My Meeting with Death...

 Sorry that it has been so long. I have been too busy. I thought things would get easier after college... I was wrong. I have met many deadly things in Jordan, but NOTHING prepared me for this...

 Between working, moving and learning to manage the bigger house and staff, I have also become Mama's taxi service. She is taking me everywhere. For the most part I still get introduced as her "adopted" son. Other times there is often a wink or a nod when I am introduced as Zahir's boy.

 When I take her to her charity meetings I am "HER" boy. A few weeks back Mama had a charity board meeting. That day Z told me to follow her lead and not be confrontational. He actually said this as we were headed out, "Behave my baby, and do not stress. My mother will never jeopardize her favorite daughter-in-law." If he had any fillings, I swear she would have rattled them with the slap he earned. Mama hits hard.

  When we arrived, all was chill till this older lady came in with her assistant. I was sitting off to the side having a plate of cookies and some tea. Somehow I became the topic of conversation. I was not intending on listening in, but it was a small room, and I did tune in and out.

 The assistant to the angry looking woman had been shooting me some heavy shade. I could see the hate rolling off her. Serious if her eyes were daggers, I would have been dead. One of the other ladies mentioned she knew a girl who was perfect for me. A couple of the other ladies chimed in.

 That was when the bitch goddess rubbed the third finger of her left hand and said, "Shouldn't we ask its 'sugar daddy.'" ('umurat baba - had to search that one.)

 The room was dead silent for what felt like hours but was actually only seconds. That was when the first clap back hit. "Perhaps if you were a better wife, he (Zahir) would still be your husband." Some of the others jumped in too. Mama hung back and watched the other women verbally rip her former daughter-in-law to shreds. It was brutal, I learned a few new words. Girls can get mean!

 Without looking, her boss said, "How shameful it must be for you to be out woman-ed by such a polite hard working boy. He understands your tongue and yet does not lower himself to your level." Then Ms. Bughi (learned that word means wench) stormed out. I will never understand how a beautiful thing, can be so ugly.

 I signed to Mama asking if she was upset and wanted to leave. "Absolutely not. Enjoy your treats." Then the women returned to the business at hand. A few occasionally added a suggestion of a woman or two who would like and "understand" me.

 When the meeting was over Mama and I gave the now rideless older woman a lift home. Turns out she is a big lawyer here. She and Mama sat in the back and chatted. When we got to her building she apologized for the bad behavior of her staff member. I told her it was ok. I also said it would be wrong to blame her for the words of another.

When Mama gave her report to Zahir he laughed. Then he told me I had survived death once again. It seams that one of her middle names is Azrael (عزرائيل‎). That is also the name of "The Angel of Death" in Islam. Who gives crappy names like this to their kids! Someone named their little princess after the Angel of Death... Perhaps they could see the future. 

 I owe a huge thank you to my buddy in Texas. Emri  is republishing one of my favorite stories (his Kasper story.) Today's chapter stung Z a bit. He likes reading them out loud to me. Afterwards we usually snuggle and stuff.

 Today he asked if I thought HE was ashamed of me. I have said before while it is not illegal, it is not safe to be out here, especially if you are the bottom. I told him I understood when I said I do, there would be limits. He kissed my forehead and I thought it was over. He told me to shower and went to the closet picking out clothes for us.

We had dinner at one of the most expensive places in town. We have been there before, a lot actually. This time he treated me like a real date. He fawned on me. He was holding my hand and rubbing my ring finger. It earned a few nods and smiles, from both ex-pats and locals alike. We also drew a few ugly looks too. Still, it was the best date night EVER.

 I guess we are out... Not too loud, but very proud of my guy!

Night y'all

Chase

Good News and "Meh" News

I had my final visit to the cardiologist on Sunday. My heart is strong and sound. There are no signs remaining of the bruising it took two years back. I had an unfortunate incident a couple years ago with the "Deathstalker" scorpion, and a bad reaction to the Anascorp antivenom. For the record Zahir is still insane when it comes to my EPI-Pens. I found at least two in every room in our house, when I was packing for the move into the big house.

This visit was bittersweet. The appointment was originally scheduled for Baba and I. My doctor requested "Z" NEVER to be present during my stress tests. Being in the same room with him does funny things to my heartbeat. Not a joke... it literally skips beats when he talks... hell when he looks at me I have a flutter.

Zahir's oldest brother was supposed to take us. With his father's death being so recent I can understand that he just couldn't. I offered to drive myself. Yes, I do have a license now.

Side note: Zahir likes seeing the "normal" parts of my past. Officer Mike sent us videos from back when I was training with the Department's Explorers Post. Z laughed during the video of me driving the department's armored vehicle during EVOC training. He stopped laughing when "tiny little me" climbed into the drivers seat and put the beast through its paces. Even Arba'ah, Z's security expert slightly older brother was impressed.

After seeing the video, Zahir relented on letting me drive. He got me a cute little BMW SUV. I tried to push for the stick shift. Z said no, "...too much work for my baby." He thought it was too much for a new driver in this country to handle. He is right I guess.

All that said, since the incident with the local police, Zahir is not letting me out of the property without an escort, so the car sits idle much of the time. I've taken Mama to market and stuff like that. I cannot even take myself to church. End note

Zahir also reminded me one of the requirements of the stress test was that I had to have a designated driver. His older brother Arba'ah took me. He's a riot, he shares Z's sense of humor. The two of them are only 11 months apart and they look almost like twins. I do confess there has been an occasional dirty thought. Nothing I would ever act on.

For one thing his wife scares me, in a good way. She is militantly protective of her family... think pit-bull with rabies, if you are stupid enough to cross her. She's one of the wives who both accepts me as I am and as part of her family. I would never violate that trust.

The doctor's visit also gave us some answers. Nothing all that devastating, and nothing we can fix. It falls into the category of, it is what it is. Z says he is happy... me, not so much. On the good side, I may grow another inch or so.

Although Z said my health report was his best birthday gift, I still surprised him with an ornate platinum ring. Until you read the inscription it doesn't look like a wedding ring. The inscription is, "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

Goodnight y'all,

Chase

MORE... Changes!!!

 Yup! We are moving(again)!

 This is what I get for marrying a man of nomadic Bedu heritage. KIDDING! We are just going across the garden courtyard this time. With Baba's passing Zahir's brothers asked him to move into the big house to care for Mama.

 Not sure if I described the big house. This place is HUGE. Far bigger than the old compound in Al-Salt. I was not joking when I said I get lost in the place. I'd try breadcrumbs but I know the boys would eat them.

 Our boss had the compound built on family land to keep the peace between his four wives. There are several large common lounges connecting the four suites (think really big apartments) so each wife could manage her section of the house. The youngest wife didn't like her fellow brides so the boss built the "little" house across the courtyard to restore peace. Baba told me "Just because we can, does not imply we should marry more than one woman."

 My "boy cave" when Z is out of country on business is in the guest wing near the pools. Z is deciding on which of the other two will be ours. He said it would not be "proper" for the man of the house to be in the small suite. That leaves the sisters old suite or the front suite. Mama offered us the other front suite, both of us said NO!

 When you combine all of the kitchens on the property we have more kitchen space than most of the big restaurants in Amman. Those women must have truly hated each other for the boss to lay out that kind of money. I see why polygamy while permitted is seldom practiced in Islam. Less than .01% of Muslim marriages are polygamous.

 

 Baba used to say those who had two or more wives were selfish. We had a talk when he thought I was "just confused" about my sexuality. He said, "Think of it little one... look to the math." Math was our common language, and his answer to EVERYTHING. "Currently 35% of Muslims are single and most of those are men, why? Math, boy math! Only about 50% of Muslims are women. If a man marries three wives what are the other two men to do?" I guess there are parts of Zahir's faith I will never understand. I miss Baba, he was my go to guy when I was confused by things I couldn't bring to Z.

 

 Z is giving his baby sister and her hubby our house. That is MINUS our furniture. Zahir is giving Yawm the media room gear. <for those who haven't caught on to Zahir speak yet... Translation: "Baby has a project."> She and I are going through the big house tagging furniture to fill her new nest. This weekend the brothers are coming over to swap the furniture.

 Today Kaeleb started demanding my attention traditional sign for, "I need to potty hooman." As we hit the kitchen he made a hard left towards the guest suite that holds my "boy cave." He led me straight to my room. I found Mama napping in my bed. Shamal the other indoor maligator (Kaeleb's litter mate) alerted when I peeked in the door waking Mama. She said she felt at peace in my room and it was too painful sleeping in her suite without Baba. I told her to use it any time.

 On to the weird front, Mama and my boys are developing a strange friendship. Malinois are uber-high energy animals. Occasionally they will break into what I call zoom mode. They start chasing each other at high speed. It normally continues until I open the door an throw the Kong 15 billion times. This is the case... EXCEPT when Mama enters the room.

 

 I have seen the boys in mid zoom and then Mama walks in. Suddenly the boys become furry throw rugs. They lay on the ground and bury their nose with their front paws. It is the damnedest thing to see. It looks like they are praying to her!

 Shamal has been glued to Mama since Baba died. I think he feels her pain. The irony is Shamal was the anti-social loner of the litter.

 

 I thought life would get easier after graduation. It has NOT been the case. Memaw and Pawpaw are asking me to visit them in Paducah, KY. Is it wrong when you have to spell-check your birthplace? They are worried about da-rona and my access to "proper" healthcare. It's as if they think Amman is some primitive poo-hole! I have received better care here than I did growing up in Miami. They worry about me. I guess that is a good thing.

 

 It's almost 2300 I should be asleep.

 Love and peace

 Chase

We Have Lost Our Polaris

 While everyone was worried about COVID-19, we lost our guide star. Baba the leader of our tribe has gone to his reward. Three years ago he had a heart attack, and I helped him recover. Yesterday, we woke to find he had a massive one in his sleep.

 There will be changes, for now we are focusing on saying good bye to our patriarch. I wanted to avoid learning this part of Bedouin culture for some time.

 We rushed to ensure he was buried before sunset. Zahir told me the body is buried as soon as possible and always within 24 hours. We didn't know exactly when he departed so it was decided by the eldest brother it had to happen before the sun went down.

 - Nadir

Things Here Are Getting Weird

 Sorry sorry for no updates in a while. Things have gotten a little crazy here. I am starting to think it's not a safe time to be a foreigner living in Jordan. For years now I thought this was my home...

 I was running an errand for Mama. I screwed up and left Kaleeb at the house.  It was just a trip to the store on the corner. I didn't think I needed him. A national police officer approached. He demanded my ID and then took me to the station. He didn't understand sign. He took my tablet away from me, I couldn't communicate that way. Playing charades across cultural barriers is not easy. I was a thoroughly search. In the end he called Baba.

 When Baba came, they said I looked like someone they were looking for in regards to a drug trafficking case. Baba was incensed, with how they treated his son's child. Yes, Z had to adopt me to solve some legal issues. I have never seen Baba so mad.  I was pleading with my fingers to just let it go and take me home. In the end he calmed down, I got dressed and we were allowed to leave. For the first time since I got here I missed Florida.

 When Z got home the rage began again. Mama tried to keep everyone calm. In the end she realized the only one she had a chance of calming was me. She and Z' sister took me aside and told me what the government had been reporting. The Justice Ministry is blaming foreigners for an uptick in crime. The irony is drug crimes committed by non-Jordanians has actually gone down this year.

I am no longer allowed to leave the compound alone.

---

 It seams Z and I may be relocating. I found out when Mama said how Zahir's sister and her husband the nurse could move into the little house. It would be good especially now that she is making babies. Well done Yawm newly married and the first kid on the way.

The boss is talking about opening a permanent office for building design, either in Europe or somewhere in the Americas. I am trying not to read too much into it. Normally one of the juniors are sent to open new offices. Zahir is not a junior anymore, I am hurting his career.

 I have been observing things back home. With the turmoil there, and the turmoil here I'm not sure there is a good place anywhere. For now my life is work, and home. I have had a taste of what it is like to be looked at by the police because of the color of my skin.

 I thought things would get easier when College was over. I guess I was wrong.

Chase

A Big Week of Big Changes

 Well I am alright. Zahir and I have been to six MENA region nations in four days. It has been grueling. We have been in non-stop meetings. I have one last final next week. My proctor is scheduled at the University.

 On the Zahir front, I walked in on a private conversation between Zahir and my therapy partner. It was John who led me to an international support group for male victims of rape. After my suicide attempt the group pulled him as my partner. They said it was for his protection. As a result John has now severed his ties with the group.

 John said, "Enough people have walked out and abandon this boy. I'm not going to be one of them." I know what he went through, I feel ashamed for being so weak. Without getting too in-depth because it is his story not mine, he survived two years as a victim of human trafficking. I can't even imagine. I know he tells me not to compare his trauma to my trauma.  He says pain is pain regardless of the source.
 
 Although he tells me I shouldn't, I am worried that my friend has now lost his therapy outlet. He told me not to worry that new opportunities will present themselves as needed. "My church family will watch over me too Chase."
 
 I'm hoping John will come to my commencement in December. He was rolling on the floor when I told him Mama says my commencement is taking place in a beer hall. The USF Sun Dome was renamed Yuengling Center.

 I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who love me.

New Update in Journal Therapy

 I have referred to the "incident" in a few posts. Looks like I didn't spell it out well enough. Here goes, I let life overtake logic. It only took a fraction of a second to make a near fatal mistake. I almost chose a permanent state of being to a temporary issue. For that dear readers I am sorry.

 Here is a link to my most recent Journal Therapy Update. I have made the same error twice before. This is not a mistake I plan to repeat again. 

 Zahir and the family have been as clingy as warm Saran-wrap. I think it is going to take a long time to regain their full trust again. The important thing is that I AM still here to try.

 Chase

Okay I'm Easily Confused...

 The boss and Zahir spent all day Tuesday discussing a long calendar of events that Z would have to be present for. Included in that list was three weeks in December for our wedding and honeymoon. It seems the boss is trying to step back away from the day-to-day operations and he's looking at Zahir and the other parters to step into his sizable shoes. I was grateful for the break when the boss's tea boy took me to a session with my therapist.

 At home I have a flurry of "tutors" from around the family. Every single day of the week I will be meeting with either one of his brothers or one of his sisters in law. They are assisting me with the completion of my college education. I don't need help with my labs, but apparently speed is now of the essence.  

 My final course is supposed to close out on Wednesday the 23rd of October. Zahir is trying to get me to finish by the 21st. I don't know why or what the hurry is about. He says we have a long company business trip in San Paulo and Rio de Janeiro beginning that week and he wants me finished with school before we depart. "If possible I want to finish our business before the 26th. There is something special I wish to show you."  I have a feeling this may be one of those carrot or the stick moments.
 
 I also found out three of his older brother's will be accompanying us to Brazil. As recent events have proven, I am not the most brilliant person in the world but I think something else is going on.

 Yesterday he spent most of the morning at the airport with "Muffin" (Muflih) teaching him in the other pilots the upgraded flight systems on the G550. Zahir's jet is both in and out of the company fleet. Z pays for parts but the routine maintenance and crew training is handled by the company.
 
 For long private flights (like our wedding and honeymoon) he can reimburse the company for the use of additional pilots and crew as needed. I have to admit that is a killer perk. Our boss must have been really concerned about Z leaving to start his own business. I am also starting to understand how long he has been grooming Z. His presence in Miami on the agricultural side of the parent company is starting to make sense.

 During their training I discovered why you have to put your cellular devices into airplane mode. When a cell phone pulses on an airplane, attempting to reach a cell tower, it makes a god-awful noise over the aircraft's radio systems. It is THE single fastest way to annoy the crap out of your pilot. After chastising me (then finding out that my devices were in airplane mode) Muffin checked his own cell phone... oops.

 More on communications... Thank God the Wi-Fi on the jet rocks. Z was a little embarrassed when he found out I was actually trying to take one of my finals while he was doing systems and "taxi" training with the pilots. Some of my humanities do not require the use of a proctor for on-line tests. 

 In-spite of the noise, I only missed ONE question. THE TEST WAS WRONG!!! I had just composed my challenge of the question when I heard a chuckle, followed by a nice shoulder and neck rub. Zahir said "Let it go baby, it is a very good score."

 Z told me if he had known I was taking a final, he would have sent me to the university with Baba to take the final in peace. He still doesn't understand, as an introvert I can be alone even in a crowded room, as long as people leave me be.

 We have another full day today. we have our couples session with Doc. I have a follow up for my arm with the surgeon too. Side note on therapy; Kaeleb got his staples out, and his hair is filling in again. Although anytime I go near the knife block in the kitchen now he whines. I feel stupid and guilty. I hurt a lot of people.


 Christopher (I think I prefer using Chase)

Zahir likes walking into the room
to find the three fur babies snuggling on me.
He knows I am safe.

It was a Good Morning

(***See note on bottom)

 Zahir had to meet with nervous clients this morning. He was about to call home for security to come get me to take me to my therapy session. It was a rock and hard place moment. If security came from the house I would be real late for session.

 Boss surprised us both when he offered to take me. He had an event with one of his wives in Al-Abdali and offered to drop me and have his assistant wait for me to finish, then drive me back to the office. No I am still not being left alone.

 On the ride we talked about recent events. He did ask what was in my head the morning of my incident. I didn't have a good answer. I still don't remember doing it. We talked about a lot of things, thankfully he has a very quiet car. He promised to help with my post graduate certifications. 

He thinks Z and I make a good design team. He says Zahir is a good engineer but a visionary architect. The boss thinks I have a better head for the physical engineering side of the building equation. He said, "The two of you are two halves of the circle." Not sure what that means but I like it.

 Looking back on "the incident:"

 I have told Aunt Meghan. She offered to fly over to care for me. She agrees that her parents don't need to know anything more than I was hurt but am healing. I got more than a few emails, and people here asking why... I don't know is the only answer I got.

 All I had to do was open my mouth and say the most difficult six letters in the English language, "HELP ME!" It is so difficult to admit you cannot do it all. It is so easy to push down the pain and paint on a smile. That facade eventually fails. It is easy to destroy, it is difficult to build, to create something that will last.

 I am so lucky, I have a network of love woven around me. They picked up the pieces and put me back together. I have a long way to go but I have a solid base again.

 Christopher


(*** About the opening artwork: Since Zahir insisted on me trying to wear my "birth name" I thought it was only fair I start calling him Pooh Bear... He is grudgingly tolerating it.)

Hard To Believe...

 It is hard to believe it has been two weeks. After group tomorrow I have my second follow up. The wound wasn't healed enough at ten days so the stitches will come out tomorrow. Steri-strips will replace the stitches for ten more days or until they fall off. I am glad Zahir has me in long sleeves normally. It is easier to just say I hurt my arm without others seeing the damage.

 I was admonished by the church today. I was reminded I made a promise to follow the governance of the Presbytery. The rebuke was lovingly done but they did hold me accountable for my error. I apologized for my momentary failure. I should have told a deacon, pastor, Z, Doc or any number of people I had dark thoughts again. The matter was dropped without further discussion.

 I feel dumb. Chris had watch today so the Pastor took me back to the office. The three of us had a discussion about the days events and he left me with Z. Zahir locked the office door and hugged me for a long time, "I wish I could fight all of your battles..."



Christopher 

Breakfast / DD - Bootcamp / End of Work Week...

 The day started with me sitting in Zahir's lap at breakfast trying to kiss the gray hairs off of his head. I know I am the reason some of them are there. I again apologized for the trouble I caused. He gathered and held my hands. He softly kissed my fingers (It is a thing he likes to do). "Already forgiven, say no more of it. You only need to forgive yourself." 

 I love my guy. 

 I also told him I am a little nervous about going out with the guys tonight. Zahir won't come with us but he says I need "boy" fun-time. I think it is the venue. He has too much risk now. I love him and I know he loves me. That said, this is one of those times I feel like a dirty secret. Yes, I did tell him. Sad is allowed, but Zahir has to know when I am sad or upset.

 Trying so hard to stay upbeat. I learned something new that made me smile. Zahir hated me calling him Baba when I tried it once. I discovered he DOES like it when I call him "Daddy" (in English). There is a rule covering it's use, "Only when we are alone."

 We have had a lot of long talks over the last week. I had a bit of a breakthrough. The first time Z went to kiss me on the lips when we were dating he tried to cradle my jaw (see example on left). I had a complete Fukushima like meltdown. It was NOT pretty. The irony is I love when Z kisses, licks and nips at my neck. Hands have always been a non starter.

 You have to understand, thanks to Cal almost succeeding in murdering me by choking me out. My neck is THE most intimate part of my body. When someone gets their hands near my neck I panic. If they touch me there I have on occasion had a panic attack so bad I pass out. 

 Z was reviewing my blog yesterday and something touching happened. He asked how much I trust him... Usually I would have made a joke of the question saying something like "Enough to jump from an airplane..." One of the things I have learned is I cannot hide anymore. Things long hidden and not dealt with can hurt you, I need to face things.

 I took his hands and placed them where they belonged. I confess there was fear, trembling and a tear or two may have formed on my part. But what followed was the single best kiss of my life. He was so very tender. His thumbs caressed where my Adams apple had been and I didn't care. He took my baby step with me and gave me something amazing.

 On a side note: Cal wasn't in my mind during that kiss. I don't know if this is a forever thing, but it was a really good baby step.

 
 It is Thursday!!! Couples therapy session with Dr Braidable NoseHair (AKA Shrinky Dink):

Zahir told him about the kiss/neck breakthrough. Not sure Doc understood the importance.

 Doc said Z and I already had a good start on a Domestic Discipline relationship. He and Z had a long talk during their 1 on 1 session about our living arrangement. I have to admit I thought DD was the same as BDSM. I was wrong.

 We always had a daddy/boy dynamic to us as a couple. It is just who we are. What we didn't do is formalize the rules aspect of our home.

 I know this is going to come as a HUGE surprise, I have a very submissive personality. I am a wickedly shy introvert. Also a big shock my former fighter jock lover/fiance has a VERY dominant one. He is an over the top extrovert.

 At one point the doc pulled my tablet out of my hands to see what I was doing. I think he was going to rebuke me for not paying attention. He chuckled to see I was almost transcribing the discussion word for word WHILE still participating. Not bad for having to use my right hand only.

 Domestic Discipline (It Is NOT Fifty Shades of Grey) it is a relationship where the Head of Household (HoH) is in charge of the Taken in Hand (TiH) partner. Once a week there is a rule review session where items can be added or removed as needed.

 IT IS NOT one sided. If it is one sided, it is abuse (GET OUT AND GET HELP). 

 There are mutually agreed upon rules and consequences for the TiH. There are also mutually agreed upon punishments for breaking those rules. The punishments can range from spanking, corner time, kneeling, writing lines to re-enforce the violated rule and other things. 

 A first offense results in a reminder of the infraction. Punishments commence upon subsequent infractions and MUST include an explanation of the rule and punishment. Then delivery of the punishment. Followed by proper aftercare. Punishment can NEVER come from anger. The HoH must guide the TiH from patience, planning, and perseverance. 

 DD differs from a BDSM relationship as the punishments are non sexual. In our case spanking is out. Pain has a secondary effect on me, I get excited... well parts of me anyway. This crosses the line to sexual thus no longer punishment. Am I a masochist? NO! I do not like pain, but my body's hardware and software have been screwed with. Again the HoH MUST proceed with full knowledge of their TiH.

 It is NOT all about the rules... but they are important. The HoH Rules fall within 5 general DD Categories:(3D S&H for short)

 The categories are:

1. Dishonesty
2. Disobedience
3. Disrespect
4. Safety
5. Health

 Important Note: Begin patiently from goals brought up by the TiH through their TiH List (yes the TiH gets a say) and communication during sit down discussions. 

 Communication is key... Make rules that fit your specific needs. Beginning with some arbitrary list of rules found on a blog somewhere will not promote the unique needs of the TiH of the relationship. Participants must build from goals and aspirations for a TiH and the relationship first.
 
 On the way back to the office we stopped for dinner and kept the discussion going. WE are going to have our first "sit down discussion" after supper tonight.

I love the comic strip Small World

 

 Next weekend we return to Switzerland, the G550 will be ready for pickup. Maybe we can hit the town there. He says we are going to test the bird. Knowing him that could mean anything, up to flying around the world.

 -Christopher




***Update***

 The guys showed up in an SUV. Safee and Chris had a quick chat with Z as I got drinks for everyone. Both guys had dates in tow. I KNOW this is going to sound catty, their dates were a couple twinks from the UN office who made ME look like a ALPHA BEAR, or at least a wolf.

 Z took me back to the bedroom and laid-out a new outfit for me. Books@Cafe was not our destination tonight, sorry Madian (He is kind of the unofficial "QUEEN" of Amman). 

 NOPE, I was taken clubbing. Yes there are clubs in Amman. Safee said we are going "old school" to a floating gay-friendly, rave dance party. I have no doubt Z was monitoring my trackers. I KNOW with absolute certainty security followed us.

 Z insisted on me carrying both my iPhone and Apple Watch so I could "feel" if he calls me. He can also remotely turn on the cams and mics to look in on me.

 It was ok but I mostly table sat. Dancing isn't as much fun alone or with an odd number of guys. About 10 Chris started asking detailed questions about the Iranian home project. I jumped out of my skin when I had a big hand land on my shoulder. Fear turned to joy when I looked up to see Zahir! YUP, I went into my excited chihuahua mode.

We danced til after midnight. Its 2 in the morning and we just got home.

A real good day.

Changes Breaking in the Wind...

 Yes, there are more changes here. No more rainbow farting unicorns on this side of the pond. I have to just deal with what is... 

 The exterior sutures come out next week. The inner stitches will dissolve over the next year. The doctor said the lack of hesitation marks will make for a cleaner scar. 

 There are a good number of people I must apologize to. First is Mama who wouldn't look upon me for three days. Second is Baba for bringing my problems to his door. Zahir's boss for having to use his influence to fix the investigation into my "cooking mishap."  My peer counselor John and my battle buddy Chris for not listening to their sound advice. Mostly to Zahir, I hurt him so bad.

 I locked all of you out. I put a plastic smile on my face this year and hid the results of the impacts as they fell. I thought I could handle it alone. I WAS WRONG!!! I learned that almost too late that I am not alone. It wasn't till Shrinky Dink had me list all the crap that happened this year that I saw how far into the outhouse I was.

 The therapist had a private consult with Zahir. I am seeing him once a week alone and once a week with Zahir. Apparently my world does not need to be smaller, it needs to be bigger. 

 Zahir had a teleconference from someone back in the States. I think I know who it was and if his supervising psychologist finds out he will be in a great deal of trouble. That said, he's right making my world smaller may have contributed to this problem. 

 I have a strange new friendship. The brother's wife who didn't like me, is doing nice things for me. She got me some long fingerless gloves to cover my wrist brace (yeah, I cut that deep). Turns out she had a sister who made a similar error.

 The strangest part is my baby. Kaeleb has been extremely clingy. I went into the kitchen to cut some fruit for breakfast and he hobbled into the kitchen with me. When I reached for the knife in the knife block he put his paw on my foot and whimpered for my attention. I gently stroked the sutures in my heroes shoulder telling him I was alright. This earned me a puppy kiss. When I stood Zahir was there smiling. He shooed me from the kitchen and gathered breakfast for the two of us.

 I am in the office with Zahir getting ready for Chris to collect me for the PTSD group meeting. Zahir and my deal is:

1. I can blog on study breaks DURING THE DAY
2. Writing is on hold until my studies permit
3. Bed is for sleeping (and private stuff)
4. It is ok to be sad, no more fake smiles
5. Talking is mandatory. Daddy must hear everything
6. Therapy attendance and participation is mandatory  
7. Weekly play dates with friends are mandatory

 Zahir and I will NOT be going on the hunt this year. Z was holding things back from me as well. This promotion of his was actually him being made a partner in the firm. NOW the jet makes sense to me. We will be traveling almost as much as the boss.


-Christopher

Visiting the Bottom, The Climb Begins Again...

 Everything is on hold here. Zahir is allowing me to post this.

 My world is getting smaller for a while. I made a bad choice. I was lucky, the dog was able to break a window to get help. He was injured in the process but will heal. Mama and security found me in time.

 I am not being left alone. I am having weekly sessions with the psychiatrist again. Zahir will be taking me to work with him, NOT as his intern, as my minder. I am to sit at my little desk in his office and work on my school projects. He hasn't said it, but I know he is angry with me. Worse than that I disappointed him and those who love me.

 Chris (my PTSD support partner) is pissed that I didn't call him. I don't know how to describe a depression spiral. I didn't plan what I did, I just acted. One minute I was cutting vegetables, I don't even remember the act of hurting myself.

 Writing and Blogging are on hold. I am sorry to my fans but I screwed up big. For now I have to focus on healing, the stitches will be out in a week or so. The wounds in my head will take longer.

 This will be my last post for a while, I am so sorry for disappointing everyone.


 Nadir (AKA Chase)