Journal Therapy... Volume V (Depression, It's not just the blues...)

Pastor Jarrid Wilson (9/18/1988 – 9/9/2019):
Pastor, Husband, Father, Writer,
Mental Health Advocate,
Depression Sufferer.

 My dear friend and peer counselor recently wrote an article about the suicide of a writer I admire Pastor Jarrid Wilson, "Depression kills. It is long past time to kill the stigma associated with depression. Depression is not just being sad. It is a crushing weight that if not addressed will only get heavier with time."

 I like his analogy, BUT in my case depression is more like a tidal-wave (tsunami). NO not one of those cheesy special effects jokes out of a Hollywood disaster film. No I am talking about the real thing, a constant wave pressing against the shoreline with little or no ebb.    

 My friend went on to say, "Suicide is normally not a rational planned act, in my experience it is normally an impulse."

 I can agree with that, I was cutting vegetables for dinner last month. The lack of hesitation marks attest that in one clean move, I had cut my forearm from just below my elbow to my wrist. 

 What scares the crap out of me is that I still don't remember the act itself. I remember the impulse leading up to it. It was almost like a tiny whisper. No I am not hearing ACTUAL voices, I just don't know how else to describe it.

 In a moment of weakness I gave in to my dark thoughts. The next thing I know I am looking down and the cutting board is covered in blood spray as I am headed to the floor.

 Through this month of recovery Zahir has been a rock. He did however say the single most hurtful thing ever to me, "I am disappointed..." Then he went on to tell me that he was disappointed in himself for not seeing the signs. 

 Z has chatted with my friend who has encouraged us to redirect our attention forward. "When you fixate on where you have been, you miss where you are going. It is ok to look back but try not to stare, that is when you stumble. The purpose of therapy is to learn to cope with the past, not live in it... 

 ...Depression is not a sign of a lack of faith. Some people are miraculously healed from mental health issues. For most of us, it is a life long commitment to awareness and an effective treatment plan. We must accept the task of educating ourselves, our family & support team. It's a life long task for most."

 Therapy churned up the waters a bit (as it is supposed to). I didn't see how much it was impacting me until I was swept away. Lesson learned.

-Christopher

 Special note to my U.S. readers: September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Each year, over 41,000 individuals die by suicide. If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.