Good News and "Meh" News

I had my final visit to the cardiologist on Sunday. My heart is strong and sound. There are no signs remaining of the bruising it took two years back. I had an unfortunate incident a couple years ago with the "Deathstalker" scorpion, and a bad reaction to the Anascorp antivenom. For the record Zahir is still insane when it comes to my EPI-Pens. I found at least two in every room in our house, when I was packing for the move into the big house.

This visit was bittersweet. The appointment was originally scheduled for Baba and I. My doctor requested "Z" NEVER to be present during my stress tests. Being in the same room with him does funny things to my heartbeat. Not a joke... it literally skips beats when he talks... hell when he looks at me I have a flutter.

Zahir's oldest brother was supposed to take us. With his father's death being so recent I can understand that he just couldn't. I offered to drive myself. Yes, I do have a license now.

Side note: Zahir likes seeing the "normal" parts of my past. Officer Mike sent us videos from back when I was training with the Department's Explorers Post. Z laughed during the video of me driving the department's armored vehicle during EVOC training. He stopped laughing when "tiny little me" climbed into the drivers seat and put the beast through its paces. Even Arba'ah, Z's security expert slightly older brother was impressed.

After seeing the video, Zahir relented on letting me drive. He got me a cute little BMW SUV. I tried to push for the stick shift. Z said no, "...too much work for my baby." He thought it was too much for a new driver in this country to handle. He is right I guess.

All that said, since the incident with the local police, Zahir is not letting me out of the property without an escort, so the car sits idle much of the time. I've taken Mama to market and stuff like that. I cannot even take myself to church. End note

Zahir also reminded me one of the requirements of the stress test was that I had to have a designated driver. His older brother Arba'ah took me. He's a riot, he shares Z's sense of humor. The two of them are only 11 months apart and they look almost like twins. I do confess there has been an occasional dirty thought. Nothing I would ever act on.

For one thing his wife scares me, in a good way. She is militantly protective of her family... think pit-bull with rabies, if you are stupid enough to cross her. She's one of the wives who both accepts me as I am and as part of her family. I would never violate that trust.

The doctor's visit also gave us some answers. Nothing all that devastating, and nothing we can fix. It falls into the category of, it is what it is. Z says he is happy... me, not so much. On the good side, I may grow another inch or so.

Although Z said my health report was his best birthday gift, I still surprised him with an ornate platinum ring. Until you read the inscription it doesn't look like a wedding ring. The inscription is, "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

Goodnight y'all,

Chase

Good Day!!!

 The boss had Zahir and I in a private meeting Sunday. He told me my internship would continue so long as I also continued therapy. Of course I agreed to the stipulation. Zahir is NOT happy that on occasion I will have to intern with the other departments. The boss wants me double certified, and Z "...has no head for chemistry..." Clearly the boss hasn't seen Z in the shower. My man sizzles and oozes chemistry.

 We also discussed my engineering internship. The past two years count towards my four year apprenticeship for certification! Then he said I had a mandatory meeting with the senior partners Monday (after group).

 Today Z was beaming as the senior partners honored both Saleh (not his real name) and I. The incident in Kiev was acknowledged and we were praised and rewarded privately (let's just say it was a piece of paper with a lot of zeroes). I wanted to show Baba, but Z made me deposit the check on the way home and show the certificate instead. "Money is NOT the prize little angel..."

 We had a team meeting with the rest of the design and engineering teams. Also present was the president of the Ukrainian construction company, it seams our "gift" was from both companies. It was streamed to all of the company offices around the world. Pictures and videos of the deflection damage and subsequent repair were played. 

 The video of the recent Hard Rock collapse in New Orleans was played as well. The boss said "his boys" saved our company from a similar fate. I just heard his view about the lessons from the Jordan Gate Towers and took it to heart. Ten years after the disaster they are still unfinished. The boss would rather walk away from a "BAD" project than be a part of a tragedy. I used to think our boss was a bit of a creepy guy. With his four wives, dozens of kids and a VERY happy houseboy it was hard to understand at the time.  Now I see him as just another father/uncle to me (I am collecting a lot of them).
 
 
 Chase


P.S. Answer to fan question: I am up to 115 pounds. I feel fat. Z says I am now at a minimally healthy weight...

A Big Week of Big Changes

 Well I am alright. Zahir and I have been to six MENA region nations in four days. It has been grueling. We have been in non-stop meetings. I have one last final next week. My proctor is scheduled at the University.

 On the Zahir front, I walked in on a private conversation between Zahir and my therapy partner. It was John who led me to an international support group for male victims of rape. After my suicide attempt the group pulled him as my partner. They said it was for his protection. As a result John has now severed his ties with the group.

 John said, "Enough people have walked out and abandon this boy. I'm not going to be one of them." I know what he went through, I feel ashamed for being so weak. Without getting too in-depth because it is his story not mine, he survived two years as a victim of human trafficking. I can't even imagine. I know he tells me not to compare his trauma to my trauma.  He says pain is pain regardless of the source.
 
 Although he tells me I shouldn't, I am worried that my friend has now lost his therapy outlet. He told me not to worry that new opportunities will present themselves as needed. "My church family will watch over me too Chase."
 
 I'm hoping John will come to my commencement in December. He was rolling on the floor when I told him Mama says my commencement is taking place in a beer hall. The USF Sun Dome was renamed Yuengling Center.

 I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who love me.

New Update in Journal Therapy

 I have referred to the "incident" in a few posts. Looks like I didn't spell it out well enough. Here goes, I let life overtake logic. It only took a fraction of a second to make a near fatal mistake. I almost chose a permanent state of being to a temporary issue. For that dear readers I am sorry.

 Here is a link to my most recent Journal Therapy Update. I have made the same error twice before. This is not a mistake I plan to repeat again. 

 Zahir and the family have been as clingy as warm Saran-wrap. I think it is going to take a long time to regain their full trust again. The important thing is that I AM still here to try.

 Chase

Okay I'm Easily Confused...

 The boss and Zahir spent all day Tuesday discussing a long calendar of events that Z would have to be present for. Included in that list was three weeks in December for our wedding and honeymoon. It seems the boss is trying to step back away from the day-to-day operations and he's looking at Zahir and the other parters to step into his sizable shoes. I was grateful for the break when the boss's tea boy took me to a session with my therapist.

 At home I have a flurry of "tutors" from around the family. Every single day of the week I will be meeting with either one of his brothers or one of his sisters in law. They are assisting me with the completion of my college education. I don't need help with my labs, but apparently speed is now of the essence.  

 My final course is supposed to close out on Wednesday the 23rd of October. Zahir is trying to get me to finish by the 21st. I don't know why or what the hurry is about. He says we have a long company business trip in San Paulo and Rio de Janeiro beginning that week and he wants me finished with school before we depart. "If possible I want to finish our business before the 26th. There is something special I wish to show you."  I have a feeling this may be one of those carrot or the stick moments.
 
 I also found out three of his older brother's will be accompanying us to Brazil. As recent events have proven, I am not the most brilliant person in the world but I think something else is going on.

 Yesterday he spent most of the morning at the airport with "Muffin" (Muflih) teaching him in the other pilots the upgraded flight systems on the G550. Zahir's jet is both in and out of the company fleet. Z pays for parts but the routine maintenance and crew training is handled by the company.
 
 For long private flights (like our wedding and honeymoon) he can reimburse the company for the use of additional pilots and crew as needed. I have to admit that is a killer perk. Our boss must have been really concerned about Z leaving to start his own business. I am also starting to understand how long he has been grooming Z. His presence in Miami on the agricultural side of the parent company is starting to make sense.

 During their training I discovered why you have to put your cellular devices into airplane mode. When a cell phone pulses on an airplane, attempting to reach a cell tower, it makes a god-awful noise over the aircraft's radio systems. It is THE single fastest way to annoy the crap out of your pilot. After chastising me (then finding out that my devices were in airplane mode) Muffin checked his own cell phone... oops.

 More on communications... Thank God the Wi-Fi on the jet rocks. Z was a little embarrassed when he found out I was actually trying to take one of my finals while he was doing systems and "taxi" training with the pilots. Some of my humanities do not require the use of a proctor for on-line tests. 

 In-spite of the noise, I only missed ONE question. THE TEST WAS WRONG!!! I had just composed my challenge of the question when I heard a chuckle, followed by a nice shoulder and neck rub. Zahir said "Let it go baby, it is a very good score."

 Z told me if he had known I was taking a final, he would have sent me to the university with Baba to take the final in peace. He still doesn't understand, as an introvert I can be alone even in a crowded room, as long as people leave me be.

 We have another full day today. we have our couples session with Doc. I have a follow up for my arm with the surgeon too. Side note on therapy; Kaeleb got his staples out, and his hair is filling in again. Although anytime I go near the knife block in the kitchen now he whines. I feel stupid and guilty. I hurt a lot of people.


 Christopher (I think I prefer using Chase)

Zahir likes walking into the room
to find the three fur babies snuggling on me.
He knows I am safe.

It was a Good Morning

(***See note on bottom)

 Zahir had to meet with nervous clients this morning. He was about to call home for security to come get me to take me to my therapy session. It was a rock and hard place moment. If security came from the house I would be real late for session.

 Boss surprised us both when he offered to take me. He had an event with one of his wives in Al-Abdali and offered to drop me and have his assistant wait for me to finish, then drive me back to the office. No I am still not being left alone.

 On the ride we talked about recent events. He did ask what was in my head the morning of my incident. I didn't have a good answer. I still don't remember doing it. We talked about a lot of things, thankfully he has a very quiet car. He promised to help with my post graduate certifications. 

He thinks Z and I make a good design team. He says Zahir is a good engineer but a visionary architect. The boss thinks I have a better head for the physical engineering side of the building equation. He said, "The two of you are two halves of the circle." Not sure what that means but I like it.

 Looking back on "the incident:"

 I have told Aunt Meghan. She offered to fly over to care for me. She agrees that her parents don't need to know anything more than I was hurt but am healing. I got more than a few emails, and people here asking why... I don't know is the only answer I got.

 All I had to do was open my mouth and say the most difficult six letters in the English language, "HELP ME!" It is so difficult to admit you cannot do it all. It is so easy to push down the pain and paint on a smile. That facade eventually fails. It is easy to destroy, it is difficult to build, to create something that will last.

 I am so lucky, I have a network of love woven around me. They picked up the pieces and put me back together. I have a long way to go but I have a solid base again.

 Christopher


(*** About the opening artwork: Since Zahir insisted on me trying to wear my "birth name" I thought it was only fair I start calling him Pooh Bear... He is grudgingly tolerating it.)

Hard To Believe...

 It is hard to believe it has been two weeks. After group tomorrow I have my second follow up. The wound wasn't healed enough at ten days so the stitches will come out tomorrow. Steri-strips will replace the stitches for ten more days or until they fall off. I am glad Zahir has me in long sleeves normally. It is easier to just say I hurt my arm without others seeing the damage.

 I was admonished by the church today. I was reminded I made a promise to follow the governance of the Presbytery. The rebuke was lovingly done but they did hold me accountable for my error. I apologized for my momentary failure. I should have told a deacon, pastor, Z, Doc or any number of people I had dark thoughts again. The matter was dropped without further discussion.

 I feel dumb. Chris had watch today so the Pastor took me back to the office. The three of us had a discussion about the days events and he left me with Z. Zahir locked the office door and hugged me for a long time, "I wish I could fight all of your battles..."



Christopher 

Breakfast / DD - Bootcamp / End of Work Week...

 The day started with me sitting in Zahir's lap at breakfast trying to kiss the gray hairs off of his head. I know I am the reason some of them are there. I again apologized for the trouble I caused. He gathered and held my hands. He softly kissed my fingers (It is a thing he likes to do). "Already forgiven, say no more of it. You only need to forgive yourself." 

 I love my guy. 

 I also told him I am a little nervous about going out with the guys tonight. Zahir won't come with us but he says I need "boy" fun-time. I think it is the venue. He has too much risk now. I love him and I know he loves me. That said, this is one of those times I feel like a dirty secret. Yes, I did tell him. Sad is allowed, but Zahir has to know when I am sad or upset.

 Trying so hard to stay upbeat. I learned something new that made me smile. Zahir hated me calling him Baba when I tried it once. I discovered he DOES like it when I call him "Daddy" (in English). There is a rule covering it's use, "Only when we are alone."

 We have had a lot of long talks over the last week. I had a bit of a breakthrough. The first time Z went to kiss me on the lips when we were dating he tried to cradle my jaw (see example on left). I had a complete Fukushima like meltdown. It was NOT pretty. The irony is I love when Z kisses, licks and nips at my neck. Hands have always been a non starter.

 You have to understand, thanks to Cal almost succeeding in murdering me by choking me out. My neck is THE most intimate part of my body. When someone gets their hands near my neck I panic. If they touch me there I have on occasion had a panic attack so bad I pass out. 

 Z was reviewing my blog yesterday and something touching happened. He asked how much I trust him... Usually I would have made a joke of the question saying something like "Enough to jump from an airplane..." One of the things I have learned is I cannot hide anymore. Things long hidden and not dealt with can hurt you, I need to face things.

 I took his hands and placed them where they belonged. I confess there was fear, trembling and a tear or two may have formed on my part. But what followed was the single best kiss of my life. He was so very tender. His thumbs caressed where my Adams apple had been and I didn't care. He took my baby step with me and gave me something amazing.

 On a side note: Cal wasn't in my mind during that kiss. I don't know if this is a forever thing, but it was a really good baby step.

 
 It is Thursday!!! Couples therapy session with Dr Braidable NoseHair (AKA Shrinky Dink):

Zahir told him about the kiss/neck breakthrough. Not sure Doc understood the importance.

 Doc said Z and I already had a good start on a Domestic Discipline relationship. He and Z had a long talk during their 1 on 1 session about our living arrangement. I have to admit I thought DD was the same as BDSM. I was wrong.

 We always had a daddy/boy dynamic to us as a couple. It is just who we are. What we didn't do is formalize the rules aspect of our home.

 I know this is going to come as a HUGE surprise, I have a very submissive personality. I am a wickedly shy introvert. Also a big shock my former fighter jock lover/fiance has a VERY dominant one. He is an over the top extrovert.

 At one point the doc pulled my tablet out of my hands to see what I was doing. I think he was going to rebuke me for not paying attention. He chuckled to see I was almost transcribing the discussion word for word WHILE still participating. Not bad for having to use my right hand only.

 Domestic Discipline (It Is NOT Fifty Shades of Grey) it is a relationship where the Head of Household (HoH) is in charge of the Taken in Hand (TiH) partner. Once a week there is a rule review session where items can be added or removed as needed.

 IT IS NOT one sided. If it is one sided, it is abuse (GET OUT AND GET HELP). 

 There are mutually agreed upon rules and consequences for the TiH. There are also mutually agreed upon punishments for breaking those rules. The punishments can range from spanking, corner time, kneeling, writing lines to re-enforce the violated rule and other things. 

 A first offense results in a reminder of the infraction. Punishments commence upon subsequent infractions and MUST include an explanation of the rule and punishment. Then delivery of the punishment. Followed by proper aftercare. Punishment can NEVER come from anger. The HoH must guide the TiH from patience, planning, and perseverance. 

 DD differs from a BDSM relationship as the punishments are non sexual. In our case spanking is out. Pain has a secondary effect on me, I get excited... well parts of me anyway. This crosses the line to sexual thus no longer punishment. Am I a masochist? NO! I do not like pain, but my body's hardware and software have been screwed with. Again the HoH MUST proceed with full knowledge of their TiH.

 It is NOT all about the rules... but they are important. The HoH Rules fall within 5 general DD Categories:(3D S&H for short)

 The categories are:

1. Dishonesty
2. Disobedience
3. Disrespect
4. Safety
5. Health

 Important Note: Begin patiently from goals brought up by the TiH through their TiH List (yes the TiH gets a say) and communication during sit down discussions. 

 Communication is key... Make rules that fit your specific needs. Beginning with some arbitrary list of rules found on a blog somewhere will not promote the unique needs of the TiH of the relationship. Participants must build from goals and aspirations for a TiH and the relationship first.
 
 On the way back to the office we stopped for dinner and kept the discussion going. WE are going to have our first "sit down discussion" after supper tonight.

I love the comic strip Small World

 

 Next weekend we return to Switzerland, the G550 will be ready for pickup. Maybe we can hit the town there. He says we are going to test the bird. Knowing him that could mean anything, up to flying around the world.

 -Christopher




***Update***

 The guys showed up in an SUV. Safee and Chris had a quick chat with Z as I got drinks for everyone. Both guys had dates in tow. I KNOW this is going to sound catty, their dates were a couple twinks from the UN office who made ME look like a ALPHA BEAR, or at least a wolf.

 Z took me back to the bedroom and laid-out a new outfit for me. Books@Cafe was not our destination tonight, sorry Madian (He is kind of the unofficial "QUEEN" of Amman). 

 NOPE, I was taken clubbing. Yes there are clubs in Amman. Safee said we are going "old school" to a floating gay-friendly, rave dance party. I have no doubt Z was monitoring my trackers. I KNOW with absolute certainty security followed us.

 Z insisted on me carrying both my iPhone and Apple Watch so I could "feel" if he calls me. He can also remotely turn on the cams and mics to look in on me.

 It was ok but I mostly table sat. Dancing isn't as much fun alone or with an odd number of guys. About 10 Chris started asking detailed questions about the Iranian home project. I jumped out of my skin when I had a big hand land on my shoulder. Fear turned to joy when I looked up to see Zahir! YUP, I went into my excited chihuahua mode.

We danced til after midnight. Its 2 in the morning and we just got home.

A real good day.

Changes Breaking in the Wind...

 Yes, there are more changes here. No more rainbow farting unicorns on this side of the pond. I have to just deal with what is... 

 The exterior sutures come out next week. The inner stitches will dissolve over the next year. The doctor said the lack of hesitation marks will make for a cleaner scar. 

 There are a good number of people I must apologize to. First is Mama who wouldn't look upon me for three days. Second is Baba for bringing my problems to his door. Zahir's boss for having to use his influence to fix the investigation into my "cooking mishap."  My peer counselor John and my battle buddy Chris for not listening to their sound advice. Mostly to Zahir, I hurt him so bad.

 I locked all of you out. I put a plastic smile on my face this year and hid the results of the impacts as they fell. I thought I could handle it alone. I WAS WRONG!!! I learned that almost too late that I am not alone. It wasn't till Shrinky Dink had me list all the crap that happened this year that I saw how far into the outhouse I was.

 The therapist had a private consult with Zahir. I am seeing him once a week alone and once a week with Zahir. Apparently my world does not need to be smaller, it needs to be bigger. 

 Zahir had a teleconference from someone back in the States. I think I know who it was and if his supervising psychologist finds out he will be in a great deal of trouble. That said, he's right making my world smaller may have contributed to this problem. 

 I have a strange new friendship. The brother's wife who didn't like me, is doing nice things for me. She got me some long fingerless gloves to cover my wrist brace (yeah, I cut that deep). Turns out she had a sister who made a similar error.

 The strangest part is my baby. Kaeleb has been extremely clingy. I went into the kitchen to cut some fruit for breakfast and he hobbled into the kitchen with me. When I reached for the knife in the knife block he put his paw on my foot and whimpered for my attention. I gently stroked the sutures in my heroes shoulder telling him I was alright. This earned me a puppy kiss. When I stood Zahir was there smiling. He shooed me from the kitchen and gathered breakfast for the two of us.

 I am in the office with Zahir getting ready for Chris to collect me for the PTSD group meeting. Zahir and my deal is:

1. I can blog on study breaks DURING THE DAY
2. Writing is on hold until my studies permit
3. Bed is for sleeping (and private stuff)
4. It is ok to be sad, no more fake smiles
5. Talking is mandatory. Daddy must hear everything
6. Therapy attendance and participation is mandatory  
7. Weekly play dates with friends are mandatory

 Zahir and I will NOT be going on the hunt this year. Z was holding things back from me as well. This promotion of his was actually him being made a partner in the firm. NOW the jet makes sense to me. We will be traveling almost as much as the boss.


-Christopher

Visiting the Bottom, The Climb Begins Again...

 Everything is on hold here. Zahir is allowing me to post this.

 My world is getting smaller for a while. I made a bad choice. I was lucky, the dog was able to break a window to get help. He was injured in the process but will heal. Mama and security found me in time.

 I am not being left alone. I am having weekly sessions with the psychiatrist again. Zahir will be taking me to work with him, NOT as his intern, as my minder. I am to sit at my little desk in his office and work on my school projects. He hasn't said it, but I know he is angry with me. Worse than that I disappointed him and those who love me.

 Chris (my PTSD support partner) is pissed that I didn't call him. I don't know how to describe a depression spiral. I didn't plan what I did, I just acted. One minute I was cutting vegetables, I don't even remember the act of hurting myself.

 Writing and Blogging are on hold. I am sorry to my fans but I screwed up big. For now I have to focus on healing, the stitches will be out in a week or so. The wounds in my head will take longer.

 This will be my last post for a while, I am so sorry for disappointing everyone.


 Nadir (AKA Chase)

Week Three

 I just got back to the compound. Chris was right I did have the story of the week at group. Safee and a few others were split and thought the news would solve all my problems the others recognized it would not. 

 I described a few of the dreams I've been having since notification. In one of them I was at the funeral and Cal reached up from the grave. Okay I'll fess that one freaked me. Of course we all know I'm not going to that funeral.

 Cal did not deserve to die. Keep in mind for the longest time I wished Mike had killed him that day. I'm starting to think maybe I am a monster.
 

 The longest time I was filled with such rage over what Cal had done to me. It's not there anymore, sadness is still there. 

 Chris, Jon and few of the guys took me to Books@Cafe for dinner afterwards. Yes, I did have a beer with my beef bacon cheeseburger. Beef bacon that is still so wrong. To my surprise it was Z who told Chris I deserved a treat. "He said this is where your buddy Dah-Veed (David) took you when you were blue."
 

 Someone asked if Chris was the Jarhead who had the crush on me. Yes it is, but he understands there's no chance. My heart firmly belongs to another. He invited Zahir and I to his retirement party in October. I am going to miss my battle buddy and friend.

I Don't Know How To Process This...

 I was flying high yesterday...

I met with the proctor and took my finals in a few of my short courses. I think I aced them. I had to take the short courses to make up for the break I took last year. One does not meddle with a timeline. I have a little less of a workload from here on. Zahir had a couple small fun day trips set up to celebrate this weekend.

 This is the first day of the weekend for us here. Friday is normally the first of two days off. We had just finished dinner (that would be lunch to my Yankee friends). I was full as a tick. Zahir got a call from Baba telling us to come home. No more than that, "Come home now."

All of the above?

 Yesterday and this morning were so great and then this... I received news today and I don't know how to process it. Everyone here is fine. I had a guest.  

 One of Zahir's friends on the National Police volunteered for the detail when he saw the names involved. He agreed to meet us at three. He informed me the man who violated (RAPED) me at fourteen, has taken his own life.

 I guess the thought of spending most of the rest of his life in prison was too much. It felt like someone punched me in the gut. I wanted him punished... not this. This is not what I expected when I asked for victim notification. I thought a heads up if he escaped, or was up for parole... not this.

 Baba tried to remind me how upset I was when he sought new sentencing. While he was my monster, he was also a human being. Part of me wants to send a letter of condolence to his parents, I'm not sure how that would be received. They were pretty hateful at the trial and blamed me for "tempting their son from the path."


 I am ok, oddly hurting, but ok. My battle buddy Chris (just Chris) came over for supper, movie and support. We just hung out. He said that I am going to have THE big update on Monday for group.

 Gonna take some time to think. I took time to call MeeMa before bed. She promises cookies, is that a universal grandma thing? Do cookies cure everything?




  Love Y'all
Chase/Christopher/Nadir

Flying too high can lead to an unfortunate impact...