Things Here Are Getting Weird

 Sorry sorry for no updates in a while. Things have gotten a little crazy here. I am starting to think it's not a safe time to be a foreigner living in Jordan. For years now I thought this was my home...

 I was running an errand for Mama. I screwed up and left Kaleeb at the house.  It was just a trip to the store on the corner. I didn't think I needed him. A national police officer approached. He demanded my ID and then took me to the station. He didn't understand sign. He took my tablet away from me, I couldn't communicate that way. Playing charades across cultural barriers is not easy. I was a thoroughly search. In the end he called Baba.

 When Baba came, they said I looked like someone they were looking for in regards to a drug trafficking case. Baba was incensed, with how they treated his son's child. Yes, Z had to adopt me to solve some legal issues. I have never seen Baba so mad.  I was pleading with my fingers to just let it go and take me home. In the end he calmed down, I got dressed and we were allowed to leave. For the first time since I got here I missed Florida.

 When Z got home the rage began again. Mama tried to keep everyone calm. In the end she realized the only one she had a chance of calming was me. She and Z' sister took me aside and told me what the government had been reporting. The Justice Ministry is blaming foreigners for an uptick in crime. The irony is drug crimes committed by non-Jordanians has actually gone down this year.

I am no longer allowed to leave the compound alone.

---

 It seams Z and I may be relocating. I found out when Mama said how Zahir's sister and her husband the nurse could move into the little house. It would be good especially now that she is making babies. Well done Yawm newly married and the first kid on the way.

The boss is talking about opening a permanent office for building design, either in Europe or somewhere in the Americas. I am trying not to read too much into it. Normally one of the juniors are sent to open new offices. Zahir is not a junior anymore, I am hurting his career.

 I have been observing things back home. With the turmoil there, and the turmoil here I'm not sure there is a good place anywhere. For now my life is work, and home. I have had a taste of what it is like to be looked at by the police because of the color of my skin.

 I thought things would get easier when College was over. I guess I was wrong.

Chase

Guilty Pleasures

 Ever since I was in the hospital back in March, I have developed a guilty pleasure... Webtoons. 
 
 Zahir caught me a while back hiding my browser page. He demanded to see what I was so embarrassed about. I handed the iPad to him to scan my browser history. I think he was expecting to find porn... That was when he was introduced to "Small World." He thinks it is cute when I do "real boy things" like reading comics. 

 When I told him Robin and Julian were like us he laughed. "I have not been small like Julian for many years." When I got more basic pointing out the tall/small paradigm he corrected me again. "My baby is NOT small, he is like those chocolate bars you Americans give out on YOUR birthday (Halloween). You are not small, you are fun sized!" Oh how I hate feel good euphemisms! I AM SHORT!!! Not compact, vertically challenged, of limited stature, wee one, petite, or fun sized.

 I have a new story I am following... Heartstopper. It takes place in a British all-boys grammar school. The story revolves around two characters:

1.  Charlie: A highly-strung, openly gay, slightly neurotic, over-thinker. Charlie is in a bad relationship when the story opens.
2.  Nick: A mellow easygoing, cheerful, soft-hearted jock. Slowly opening Charlie to a new world and experiences.

Sound familiar? (Z doesn't see the similarity)

 I read today's episode and I am sad. I think Nick is just now discovering who he is attracted to. I don't think that is going to be a pleasant discovery. In my experience, some alpha jocks with gay "stirrings" (realizations) will over compensate trying to prove to themselves and the world they are not gay.

 I told Zahir I wish I knew him when he was in grammar school. He told me that would not have worked out well. He said he thought of nothing but girls and flying then. "No, I would have been very bad for you then. I would not have seen you fully."

 Hang on Charlie I think you are in for a bumpy ride.

Z and I are on the way back to the office. The senior partners took him (and by proxy me) out to lunch. At these events I sit, am silent and attempt to blend into his shadow. I don't fit in with most of the "trophy" interns or the "real" interns. Both sides think I belong in the other camp. 

There are exceptions to every rule but none of those people were there. I ate and followed the conversation. Z pecked my cheek in the car and told me I did well.

Chase

Chapter two is uploaded...

My guilty pleasure...


 Chapter 2 of Night of the Wolf has been uploaded. I know some people will not like it because it is exposition, it is backstory, it is how Jedidiah became so screwed up.

 In many ways his character development is LOOSELY based on myself and my foster-brother. Our stories kind of flushed him out.

 Love it or hate it, it is my story. I've got a lot of ideas on how to proceed. I have chapter 3 mostly in the bag, need to drop in some steamy stuff. I have chapter 4 & 5 partially in the bag. I had one person say I need an editor to trim the fat from my stories. Well my stories are my stories. You get what you pay for.

 Had a few folks message me asking how I'm doing. I'm doing okay, I just had a little too much reality after Vienna. I got to see how the world could be. Now I see what my world is. I hope someday our world will be one where people are free to love the people they wish to love without recrimination. That is not my reality.

 I used to tell officer Mike I felt like I was born in the wrong decade. Here in Amman, I hate to say it, I found the decade I was supposed to be born in... it's just hard to live in it. My Palestinian sister-in-law hates me. I guess that puts me in good company because she hates her mother-in-law too.

 It's really odd here, if I had a gay lover who is French, German, Italian or English no one would raise an eyebrow. Because I have fallen in love with an Arab, if people KNEW, I would be hated for leading him astray. The irony is his family praise me for "settling" him and guiding him back to his faith.

 Even Heaven has limits.

I Lost The Battle of the Sleeping Pill...

After not sleeping last night again. Zahir brought me a glass of water and one of those little white pills that I dread.  Then to make sure I did not cheat, he gave me a snack to eat. 

He's catching on.


It is 10:49 good night all.

Chase

Started A New Story... It is DARK!

Night Of The Wolf....

Teen love, love lost, and werewolves...  I was surprised how fast Nifty posted it. It posted so fast I got my first piece of fan mail, before I got the acknowledgement of its post. It is my first foray into horror. I'm liking the characters so far. I am working on four chapters at the same time is kind of weird.

 I have been I have been working on some dark issues here and Night Of The Wolf is how they were revealed. It is also why Zahir asked me to diminish my online presence. He was worried. When Shrinky Dink read the opening scene he was concerned initially. I am not a violent person but it is a brutal scene. Like I said, I am working through some issues.

 I hope my regular fans like it. I'm not sure what the lag is going to be on chapters but there are two more that are almost completed. Z is concerned I am casting him as the villain. Not an issue,  I know who I patterned the villain after.

I already did get a negative comment as well... "That's not 'shifter' canon." I NEVER SAID IT WAS. My prof in comparative religions got me interested on a side tangent. She said most culture's creator stories are similar, just like their werewolf tales. I was curious and started a side research project.

Oh SH-T - My Worlds Collide...

Sometimes I think he sees me like this.

 I  put my chances of getting Zahir to come to another Gay 🌈Pride event at less than 50 50,

First blunder was a bar he took me to Thursday night. Vienna has a very colorful, somewhat boisterous, active fetish community (Remember I was raised in MIAMI). The club he took me to was having its "Woof🐶 and Oink🐷 night." Everyone started addressing me as if I were his puppy. Then some began praising my silence, (Yes, with all the excitement my voice has gone very quiet). Zahir saw something and he hustled me out🏃 before our drinks were even delivered. The bouncer recommended a calmer club for the 'fragile boy.'😿

Other times I feel like this...

Zahir opted to just take me on a carriage ride in the park. When we got back to the hotel room he commented, "This is Pride Week? It is a freak show." When he sat down on the sofa, I poured him a drink from the nice bottle of whiskey our hosts gave him in the welcome basket. Then I sat on his lap and pulled up some pictures on my tablet. I showed him photos of my very first 🌈Pride event in Miami.

I was young, fully clothed with a group of other foster kids. I had the biggest smile on my face. "This is my baby, this is boy I fall in love with." The next photo showed what was behind us... He was shocked.

I told him, (keep in mind it's a whisper so he had to actually listen), "Pride is not about just us. It's about all of us the entire Spectrum of people who have to hide in the shadows because they love differently. There are some (even in the gay community) who would look at our age difference and condemn you as an Arab 'daddy' having a little white boy 'plaything.' Does the fact they don't understand us, change the fact that we love each other?" I don't know whether he agreed with me but I did get mad snuggles.

He was scowling this morning when we came down for breakfast. Our hosts and I managed to get him to agree to go to the parade. To his surprise he was not alone. Our host had arranged a few other businessmen from the Middle East who have partners, (two of the partners were white European twinks, a man from some place called Cameroon,  and the others who looked like they were from the same place as their partner).

I love feeling like this when I help him

Introductions were made (Zahir translated to English for me as needed), when it came to me I started signing and Zahir started translating. At the end I said something and Zahir refuse to translate it. The woman at the next table apologized for eavesdropping on my fingers. Then she translated what my guy wouldn't, "This is the man who saved my life. I would have given up without him." Zahir blushed and snuggled me. For a man who loves being the center of attention he does not like taking credit for saving me. Turned out she was on her honeymoon. She and her wife were from Los Angeles. She teaches sign to the newly impaired.

It was Zahir's turn next, that man got me crying. He told a little about himself. Then he went on to how his life changed when he met a wounded boy in Miami. He told them of the boy's courage during trial and sentencing, and the fierce nature of his baby's heart. This man clearly was not describing me, but God do I want to meet that kid. 

After breakfast Babila, the guy from Cameroon, asked if I wrote under the name Chase Nadir💣. My two worlds collided. I cringed and Zahir said, "I told you you share too much." Turns out he found my work after reading another cyber friends blog. His lover is a Muslim from Algeria and a HUGE fan of Emri's work. A tirade of questions ensued. I think I broke his heart when I told him I only know what I read in his blog.

We all marched today wearing blue jeans, business jackets and pink t-shirts, yes even Zahir.  For the record I hate t-shirts, but the men said that the thin mark on my throat was a badge of honor and I should never cover it.

The other men where switching between Arabic, German, French AND English. Babila and I chatted, his ears are good, he could hear my whispers even in a crowd. His English is better than my Arabic.

Maybe I will get him to go to a 🌈Pride event again. 


Headed back to the hotel, my big guy needs rest. We are having dinner with the guys we marched with. They are taking us to a foam party tonight. Zahir has never been to one... 😊

• Side Note: I found another language I physically cannot speak, GERMAN. I never thought I would discover a MORE difficult language than Arabic. "Freundschaftsbezeugung..." really!!! YIKES! 
  "demonstrations of friendship."

Tomorrow we go home. Thank you Austria.

 I know I bring him peace. I also know others look at me as just a piece.

Eid Came Early... (For Me)

Waiting with Baba at the airport for Zahir's plane to land. To hell with food. I have been fasting in other ways this month. The client required the Zahir to arrive early due to third-party vendor's schedule conflict.  This precipitated a long three-week separation. It could have been worse, it could have been a month.

If his father didn't drive, I'd probably jump all over Zahir as soon as he gets in the car.  That said, I will have to be the good boy for another couple of hours. The family will be breaking today's fast together when we arrive back at the compound. His brother has been super clingy. I think Z had him watch over his boy while he was away. He carved time out of his schedule to go on my daily walks exercising the crazy dog.

I have a U.S. Marine who's been flirting with me. Shot him down after church yesterday.  He's a nice guy but he is not Zahir. Turns out he's been flirting for the past few weeks and I was too oblivious to see it. Pastor's wife pointed it out.  I do believe I may have broke his heart.

He will get over it soon, I'm not that special.

My grades came in and I did well. I am already starting my last classes required for my degrees.

Must go the company's jet  just landed.

Love to you all,

Chase

I'm still here.

 I know I've been dormant but life has been busy. Still have a couple stories in the works haven't been able to spend a lot of time on them though.

Wedding plans continue, as do commencement plans.  Baba looked at me this week and said he was grateful that I dropped his class. He was looking at the sheer amount of projects I'm trying to wrap up. He said I overworked myself. That is rare praise from him by the way.😇

Even my faculty advisor is amazed at the amount of humanities classes I'm trying to wrap up. I have a goal everyone told me it's not a realistic goal but I know I can do it.🤓

Zahir takes off in a couple weeks for Tehran. He says he'll only be gone for three weeks I'll believe that when I see it. He's working so hard to make a good life for us.😭

 I was surprised when out of the blue he said he was considering starting his own  architecture firm. He's considering working out of the Atlanta area. I don't know what it is, but I'm thinking of Jordan as my home these days. I'm not sure what I think about going to Georgia.

The one thing I know, wherever he is I will be happy. 😚

Rough Day, So Embarrassed...

Me this Wednesday!

 Math boy screwed up, damn this is embarrassing. I thought home isolation (confinement) was through Friday. Turns out the day the hospital sent me home was day one. I was off by two days, Thursday morning I am free!!!

 Things look like they are  going good with Day Nurse and Z's sister. She has been spending a lot of time here during the day. She sings a lot. The Night Nurse came in early so the two of them can go to dinner with Ethnayn (second oldest brother) and his wife. 


 I had a steroid meltdown, I got ugly with Mama today. Baba masked up and came over. I was bawling my eyes out when he came in. Day Nurse was holding me and helping to calm me. The nurse  explained the outburst as frustration, discomfort and chemicals. Baba brought Mama back and I apologized profusely. Mama hugged on me.

 Baba says he and I are going out for hot dogs Thursday for dinner, and the family is having a celebration Thursday night. With apologies to heck with dinner, Baby knows what meat he is craving...

 All that said, Zahir says he has special plans for me this weekend. I told him so long as his weekend included non-stop bed play I was good with anything. I have been having such explicit sex dreams. I pushed my luck, and asked if we could go dancing at Books@Cafe. I got a laugh and then a no. What the heck, I knew that was a stretch but, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 Dinner coming gonna wrap up.

Luv y'all
Chase

One Week Down...

One week down of home isolation, one to go. I am not happy but I am still here... 

...does the phrase stir-crazy ring bells?

Baba gave me the bad news. I have been ask to stay home and finish the last few weeks of the semester via home study. For the "Preponderance of caution for the health of the other students." My lab partner is coordinating our project via video link. He is not as good as Dagher, but he is committed.

Steroids have my emotions all over the place, I am crying a lot. The vancomycin is making me itch. The changes to my diet are driving me nuts. I am hating my new meat portion sizes. They are down to sizes of a half deck of cards. "It will pass," I keep telling myself.

Nadir

Change Is Life...

 Well we knew it wasn't going to be easy.  That said,  I didn't expect there to be this many roadblocks.  I'm starting to think my friend had it right, just a civil ceremony on the beach. 

 I have been blessed with two new mothers in my life. Stacy my last foster mom and Mama Zahir's mom.  Add to that my newly reacquired grandmother and this is becoming a nightmare.  The bitch of it is all of them love me.  

 Mama shot down the concept of me being married in the barn. I tried to explain to her the barn was a fall back in case it's raining. The actual ceremony if weather permits would have been under the gazebo. Paducah is now not going to work.

  It's starting to look like it's going to be a destination wedding, likely Miami or Tampa. I want my church/faith wedding. I know that sounds selfish but it's something I've always wanted. Zahir had been married before, this is my first God willing my only. 

 The last people I thought would complain were the first. Members of my own faith, people who accept my sexuality, refuse me being "unequally yoked" in marriage to Muslim.  with my local church it would be no problem except it is not legal here.
   Ready ready for the kicker? Stacy and Mohsen found an Imam who is willing to perform a same-sex marriage in Miami. He will not perform the service unless I convert. Without conversion I can only be a concubine, not a spouse.

 Next up the date changed. June isn't good for some members of the family, July isn't good either. The months dwindled down to September or October. Zahir recommended my birthday there is no way in hell I'm going to be married on Halloween. I know I'm sounding like bridezilla! 
 
 The sweetheart is trying to make it special I know that. Between my commencement hopefully in October and my birthday we should be in Florida for most of the month.

Chase

Christmas Surprise... And The End Of A Good Year.

 Grandma surprised me during our facetime chat at Christmas. She asked when Z would do the honorable thing. I guess she wants me married not just living in sin. Of course she said it with far more grace and tact. 

Then she spoke plainly, "Young man YOU have seen, life is too damned short for someday or maybe."

 I told her of the dangers to my family if our relationship became public knowledge. My clinical argument was accurate and on point. She told me she sees the risk, then she said the only one at risk right now is her grand-baby. I changed the topic clumsily. I just got her back in my life, I don't want to fight with her. Especially when I know her argument is coming from the love in her heart.

 Zahir was working in the corner office and heard my reply. When our chat was over Zahir came into our room. He said he was not trying to listen in but our voices carried. He asked me if my heart was sore. I told him I have everything that I want, anything more is just a dream. "You took a math nerd and made him an engineer. I live in a world of limits. What can happen, and what can't happen. It is all about living in the can do side of the equation." I am not sure how convincing I was, but he held me and let it drop.

---

 I spent the rest of this week helping Baba get ready for his new class at the University. Although the concept of being in a classroom terrifies me. Still, it excites me at the same time. The concept of dealing with the pure math class is also thrilling. Baba thinks engineering may be too limiting for me. "At your age horizons need to be wide."

---

 So here I sit looking back on 2018...

 This  year has challenged me in ways I never imagined. I learned truths that were painful (but truth is often painful). I've grown through it all, I prospered, I learned and I loved greatly. So here I am at 3pm waiting for my love to come home, and I'm using this time to reflect back. 2018 was a good year.

  Zahir is taking me out for a late dinner tonight.  Then we will be going to a French client's home to ring in the New Year western style.

Luv y'all,
Chase