Yes, there are more changes here. No more rainbow farting unicorns on this side of the pond. I have to just deal with what is... The exterior sutures come out next week. The inner stitches will dissolve over the next year. The doctor said the lack of hesitation marks will make for a cleaner scar.
There are a good number of people I must apologize to. First is Mama who wouldn't look upon me for three days. Second is Baba for bringing my problems to his door. Zahir's boss for having to use his influence to fix the investigation into my "cooking mishap." My peer counselor John and my battle buddy Chris for not listening to their sound advice. Mostly to Zahir, I hurt him so bad.I locked all of you out. I put a plastic smile on my face this year and hid the results of the impacts as they fell. I thought I could handle it alone. I WAS WRONG!!! I learned that almost too late that I am not alone. It wasn't till Shrinky Dink had me list all the crap that happened this year that I saw how far into the outhouse I was.
The therapist had a private consult with Zahir. I am seeing him once a week alone and once a week with Zahir. Apparently my world does not need to be smaller, it needs to be bigger. Zahir had a teleconference from someone back in the States. I think I know who it was and if his supervising psychologist finds out he will be in a great deal of trouble. That said, he's right making my world smaller may have contributed to this problem.
I have a strange new friendship. The brother's wife who didn't like me, is doing nice things for me. She got me some long fingerless gloves to cover my wrist brace (yeah, I cut that deep). Turns out she had a sister who made a similar error.
The strangest part is my baby. Kaeleb has been extremely clingy. I went into the kitchen to cut some fruit for breakfast and he hobbled into the kitchen with me. When I reached for the knife in the knife block he put his paw on my foot and whimpered for my attention. I gently stroked the sutures in my heroes shoulder telling him I was alright. This earned me a puppy kiss. When I stood Zahir was there smiling. He shooed me from the kitchen and gathered breakfast for the two of us.
I am in the office with Zahir getting ready for Chris to collect me for the PTSD group meeting. Zahir and my deal is:
- I can blog on study breaks DURING THE DAY
- Writing is on hold until my studies permit
- Bed is for sleeping (and private stuff)
- It is ok to be sad, no more fake smiles
- Talking is mandatory. Daddy must hear everything
- Therapy attendance and participation is mandatory
- Weekly play dates with friends are mandatory
-Christopher
Rule 8... Baby sleeps through morning prayer. Zahir has canceled my wake up calls. I really enjoyed getting him "up" for morning prayers. At least he is not angry with me. Adapt and overcome.
ReplyDeleteZahir is doing cute things like applying medicine to the scar area to keep the skin soft. Doc says, in combination with the small sutures, it should make the scar a thin line.
Getting ready to head into the office, then Shrinky Dink at 11. The guys at the PTSD group yesterday were all hugs... and one soft slap to the back of the head from Safee, "Never did this again. I would miss you tiny one." Then he gave me a hug.
Battle buddie Chris and Zahir are scheduling "mandatory fun nights" for me. Chris told Zahir of a few expat clubs/groups in the area where I might find some friends "outside the walls." When Chris" rotates back to the states in October I have three guys asking to be my support partner. Zahir only likes one of them, then again, he didn't like Chris at first.
ReplyDeleteWe are staying a little late at the office to offset the time he had to take off to get me to and from Shrinky Dink.
ReplyDeleteZ is having to do more for me. He has to help me bathe. I have to keep the left arm dry. I feel so stupid, it was a really dumb thing to do.
I hurt another group... I got an email saying I reinforced the stereotype of the "unstable" gay man. From a certain perspective I cannot argue against his point. All I can say is I made a mistake. My friend pointed out there has only been ONE perfect human and he was nailed to a tree. It looks like I am gonna be saying I am sorry a lot.
Dr Braidable Nosehair (aka Shrinky Dink) says there comes a point in a depression spiral where normally irrational thoughts make sense to the person in the spiral. I hit that point. To those I hurt, I am sorry but I am trying to get better.
I think the most difficult two words in the English language to say are "help me." It goes against human pride to utter those words. Most see the act of saying those two words as a failure, the ultimate weakness. I would argue it takes great courage to admit needing help. It took time, and cost me a lot, I am there now admitting I need help.
Now we climb.
It's so good to hear you are getting better! It will probably a long process, but you'll get there!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't believe you are responsible for 'the wider gay community', like that e-mailer said. No need to apologize to people, other then those close to you!
I'm praying for you!
What he said! ^^^
DeleteThank you so much Martin for your kind words. I will take all the prayers I can get.
DeleteDon't let the cowardly jerk hiding behind an email address bring you down. We love you and want you to get better. You are one of the strongest people I know.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about writing or anything that gets in the way of your recovery.
Be well and I hope to feed you more "Fried Butter" at the State Fair. Any chance you and Zahir will be in Tampa in February 2020?
I would love see you again and to meet him.
Always "YOUR" dispatcher John
PS. I like the name Christopher. It fits you.
DeleteJohn, Zahir has me trying on my birth name Christopher. The family understands me dumping my father's name. But they feel it's important to keep part of my original identity. It feels strange answering to it, but it also feels right. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The wedding is still on, so I'm not sure I will be able to be at the State Fair this year.
DeleteI'm sorry for messing up the back of your shirt all those years ago. I had to explain that one to Z. He still chuckling. For the record you gave a great piggy back ride.
I hope you're starting to feel better. Sounds like a lot going on. It's good you have the support around you that will hopefully get you to where you need to be mentally and emotionally. Struggling is ok when you're getting help and finding things to lift you.
ReplyDeleteI guess I am getting better. I thought I screwed everything up, I guess they do love me after all. You hear a lot about unconditional love it's a rare thing to see it in action. I'm good dumb but good.
DeleteShrinky Dink has encouraged Zahir to try something called "domestic discipline." Yes there are rules and punishments involved.
Something new on this side of the pond I am having scheduled weekly play dates. Zahir has found a circle of friends for me. This Thursday night Zahir is trusting Chris and a few guys from group to take me dancing at Books@Cafe!!! I have no doubt there will be a shadow from the security detail somewhere in the bar. Of course until I prove myself no alcohol. I'm good with that.
I guess I just needed to shout for help in a voice loud enough that people heard me. It sucks that I injured my dominant arm though.
There are other changes here. Zahir has put a special doggie door in the door to the garden. There's a transponder on Kaeleb's collar which allows the door to open. The little shit has figured out how to stand close enough to the door to let his brothers into the house. We're letting them gather on occasion. I guess Z thinks if one dog could save my life imagine what three could do.
I just feel really dumb.