Good-bye Kiev

Z and I are leaving Kiev this morning. He picked the spot for our vacation. I could get used to waking up to this view. Our suite looks out over the Dnieper River (sp?). I think I know why Z's boss likes him so much. You can throw that man down anywhere on the planet and he can both talk to and charm anyone. I'm struggling to pick up a second language, and I've heard him speak six, SO FAR!

Our host has been great. During one of the early meetings I took off my jacket. When he saw the EpiPen on my belt he became immediately concerned with what I was allergic to. He was happy that it was not a food allergy.

Apparently, Z introduced me to the team as his "Assistant, tech guy, and math boy."  It's nice he thinks I add value to the team. It was uncomfortable being the youngest guy in the room. More so when no-one, and I mean no-one, believes I am eighteen. I can see the looks people give me. I can imagine what they think I am. Z tells me my degree path is a young person's field.

Yesterday morning we woke to breakfast before our last day of meetings. (Finished a day and a half early, yay!) Apparently the hotel forgot Z was Muslim. Don't get me wrong I love bacon. I miss bacon. I occasionally have almost erotic fantasies about bacon (and REAL pepperoni). That being said, looking at the salo, call me a coward, I was not tempted to try it. It's kind of like bacon without meat. It's just pork fat that's been pickled. 

I settled on an egg dish in some kind of bun, and potato syrniki (sp?). Although I'm not a huge fan of cottage cheese, I do like it in this potato dish. The people here are really great. Kiev has a weird kind of energy, I like it. I also like their smoking laws, they are tough, although apparently a lot of people ignore them!

When the last meeting wrapped, Z told our host how much I liked jets. The next thing I know he, his wife, and son are taking Z and I to the Antonov State Aviation Museum. It was so awesome seeing so many jets that I'd only seen on Wings of the Red Star. Yes, I like the Discovery Channel. Z got me all of the Wings series DVDs. 

Apparently my energy level went through the roof when we actually got to go on board a couple of the exhibits. Our host remarked, "If I had known that I would get this kind of reaction, I would have scheduled the conference meetings here." I felt like such a stupid little kid, in my defense, it was cool!

I did impressed our host and his wife last night at dinner when I ordered the vinegret. It's beets, cooked beans, carrots and I think celery. It was really good, kind of disgusting to look at, but wicked good. Z gave me a little of his steak too. He was not happy when I accepted the host's offer of a honey vodka. I only had the one and it was very tasty.

Z has been so sweet. Super clingy, apparently he remembered my nightmare about Kiev and has stayed within an arm's reach of me the whole time. Thankfully the suite had a big shower and tub.

Must dash.

Chase.

Shocked by my stats.

I was surprised when I reviewed my stats on Blogger. 230 page views from the United Kingdom versus just 14 from my home country. One of the countries I have readers is a little surprising. Z laughed and had to show me where Latvia was. I'm sorry, but I know now.

I hope my British fans forgive me for my first story. It's kind of hard to write about something you don't know. I wanted to do something unusual and that's the story behind Desire's Silent Scream. I will confess it's the one that Z laughed his way through. Then he told me I needed to take English again. He forgets I write while he's asleep. I write when I can't sleep. 

He tells me I'm focusing too much on abandonment. "That part of your life is over. I will never leave you." He also forgets, I met his parents. His mother was telling me about the girls she has lined up for him. She thinks it's cute that he has saved me from the broken American foster care system.

Well after two false starts, we are actually going to Ukraine. In another four hours the alarm will go off and we will be on our way.

Working on part two of Frozen and Chosen. I'm also working on a couple of other stories. A few of you've asked for me to break them into smaller chapters. It's not how my mind works. I actually have to write the whole thing out in order to figure out where I want to shift things.

Was just notified by Nifty my third story has been published with them Teddy and the Bear.

Chase

The Coffee maker broke (and my perfect world wept.)

 When I got up, I noticed the coffee maker was broken. To most this wouldn't be a huge end of the world experience. Z does not function for an hour without coffee in the morning. When he does get moving, he is cranky if deprived of his morning caffeine fix. So I dressed and went to the lobby. We have a coffee shop there. He occasionally will get the morning beverage on the way to work, and chat with the other tenants.

 Occasionally boys from the University stop by as well. Today was such a day. I learned a new word. One of the four boys kept referring to me as "zamel" in a hushed tone. The translation utility on my tablet couldn't handle the word. I just nodded and smiled.

 I didn't know what he meant until I heard one of his friends refer to me as khaneeth, I stopped smiling. That word I knew, and it was unkind. I stayed close to the counter for my order to be finished. When the shop owner heard the boys describe me as a miboun (it's like calling a gay man, a prostitute) he kicked them out. He tried to apologize, I just gave him some bills so I could get upstairs. God I'm such a fucking coward.

 Z was happy to get his coffee but annoyed when I wouldn't tell him why I was crying. At eighteen I am NOT a criminal mastermind, Z can read me like a book. It didn't take rocket science for him to figure out where the incident occurred. He disappeared for a while. I thought he was just in his office. Apparently he went down to talk to the shop owner.

 When he came back in the apartment he held me for a very long time. Then told me I overpaid for the coffee, returning the excess to me. The shop owner told him the boys were angry about the US embassy moving to Jerusalem. Apparently I was an easy target for their anger. I wonder if it would have made a difference to them if they knew I approve of the idea to make East Jerusalem the capital of Palestine?

  Then Z taught me how to make "proper" coffee in his old brass dallah. My guy can make the sun shine during a hurricane. So much for my first wild morning alone in public. I still have a lot to learn about Jordan. For the first time since I've been here, I missed Miami. I would not leave Z for anything though, he is worth the tiny traumas.

Nadir

 (FYI a zamel is a bottom gay. Use the word f*gg*t instead of gay). Labels suck, I know it is naive of me to wish for a day when people just see love. I hope for the future, at my age what else can you do. What can I say I am a hopeful idiot.

Caught

Z found my files on Nifty. Hell he found everything, even my blog. He was pissed... At first anyway. Note to self, secure is not always secure.

I was shocked that he found my early crap on GayDemon. No I will not link to it. It was shit. God I have never seen him so angry. I offered to delete everything, I gave him back the tablet he bought me. He was confused but still fuming. I gave him his space. I went to my room and started packing my back pack. He walked in as I shoved my old worn old Pooh Bear into the top of the bag. 

He asked where I was going. I told him that I thought he would want me gone. He pulled me into his chest, replying never. In the end, he laughed about fantasies/stories. My blog on the other hand is an issue. I am going to have to keep specifics about locations and times a little foggy. He understands the therapeutic value of putting my thoughts, joys and yes fears into words. In the end he laughed and kissed me. He mocked my grammar errors in my new story (yes, he let me post it.) "My boy needs a refresher in English."

He read some of the other stories I am working on. Z gave me back my tablet, asking if I wanted to try some of the things I describe in my stories. I told him they were just stupid fantasy, occasionally dreams. Truth be told he pleases me more than I can say. "Frozen" confused him, "Does my baby see himself as a girl?" I told him no, I was just using it as a vehicle. I write about abandonment because it is a topic I know too well. He reminded me not everything gets a happy ending in life. I told him HE was my "Disney" ending. I asked him to forgive me for angering him. Z grinned down at me saying it was already forgotten.
 

"I will have to teach you better the world is not a safe place." He is right. He pointed out how some of my posts have been geotagged. I must be a little more careful. I guess I am not as smart as I always believed I was.

Some folks have asked what is up with your signature at the end of your blog.  I am using it to show state of mind. Chase is up, Nadir is bummed.

Nadir / Chase

I WON!!

I don't argue with Z often, it's very unpleasant. Apparently my psychiatrist agreed with the doctor who treated my sting (for different reasons.) Z took me to the spa I had a wonderful mud bath and whole body salt scrub. The salt scrub makes your skin wicked smooth to the touch.

Afterwards he surprised me again, I got my very first tattoo. Don't freak out, the concession I made with him was that it had to be a henna tattoo. "I want no permanent marks on my boy."

He has been babying me more than usual. Z told me how afraid he was he was going to lose me after the scorpion sting. It's really very sweet.

A couple of you have asked how we "pass" in this country. The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan is one of the few nations in this part of the world where being gay is not criminal. It is however culturally frowned upon. For Z to succeed, our relationship has to be hidden. Only a few people very close to us know the truth. 

Staff, like our housekeeper think of me as his foster son. I guess that's the only good thing about my past that is coming in handy. At least our lie is grounded in some truth. As far as the new housekeeper is concerned, I walk on water. I could tell Z told her my past. She had such a look of pity on her face for the next couple days. Somehow that woman actually managed to find real "crunchy" Skippy peanut butter for me. Z told me how her husband was killed defending the border.

Z has been asking how committed I am to my last name. Considering it's NOT my real name, I'm not all that attached to it. Hell I don't even know if the date I use as my birthday is real. The note mom left behind says it is.

I think Z is considering adopting me. I do want a more permanent relationship with him, but I don't want to be his son. It would be too weird sharing a bed with him, if he became a REAL daddy to me. I think I'd rather be thought of as his property, than his son in that case.

Still he's trying so hard. I know he loves me, even if his religion says it is wrong. I should know by now you cannot get everything your heart desires. I love my life with my fuzzy bear. He hates when I call him that, but loves when I play in his fur. 

He is working before evening prayers and dinner. Tomorrow he is taking me to Wadi Rum. We have FOUR Epi-Pens with us. Two on me, two on him. Sunday he has arranged a tour of Petra. 

Next week will be very busy. It is the last few days to get ready for the business trip to Ukraine. He says if all goes well, we can take a short stop in my choice of Germany or Greece.  I am so torn, while I really do want to see Berlin, I yearn to see Athens or Santorini. What can I say, I like old things.

Chase

Meet the locals

Sample Deathstalker not mine.
It was squished.

 Sorry it's been a few days since I talked to you guys. It turns out Z or I brought back a hitchhiker from our trip south in one of our bags. Z did warn me to always check my shoes before putting them on. As a result of my haste to get ready for work, I had a rude introduction to Mr Deathstalker.

 It hurt so bad I shrieked. Over what seamed like minutes my right leg went numb and then wouldn't work. Z packed my foot and ankle in a cooler full of ice. I never thought I'd be grateful to be allergic to bees. We had to use both of my EpiPens before Z could get me to the hospital. The doctor did chastise Z, apparently when I lost consciousness he used the second pen on my inner thigh.

 I spent a day in intensive care, and another day sweating and shaking in a private room. I had a bad reaction to a shot they gave me. Through it all Z never left my side. I feel so guilty that Z lost three more days of work. When I finally came to, the  doctor chastised me for not teaching Z how to use my EpiPen. 

 The doc also said I was very lucky. Seams most kids with my allergy to bees, the sting would be fatal. Z said it probably drained most of its venom during a hunt. I hinted, maybe I am not as weak as people think. I was not happy as both men laughed. When the doctor recommended a "bad ass" tattoo to commemorate my survival, Z stopped laughing.

 On the upside I finally got my very first Arabic book. The doctor gave me a children's comic which explained the how, and when, and why of using my EpiPen after contact with the local wildlife. As soon as the doctor left the room, Z pulled me onto his lap and read it to me like I was a baby, his baby. Yes, it is all in Arabic. Yes, it is really a comic book. It was also probably the sweetest moments of my life. 

 When I had my first allergic reaction to a bee sting it resulted in a re-homing before I even got out of the hospital (I was too much risk for the foster family to handle). Z wasn't fazed his love and nurture drive kicked in to overdrive. He even ordered two sets of EpiPen cases for my belt. A pair of black ones for school and work. And a pair of fun cartoon character cases for trips. He knows I am a sucker for Sponge Bob. I argued I liked my ankle holder, he replied that my pens need to be accessible should I pass out again.

 When he took me home last night, he introduced me to our new housekeeper. I went down to the kitchen this morning to try to make Z something special for his breakfast, only to find the new housekeeper soaking grape leaves and preparing our breakfast. 

 Fridays are the first day of the weekend here, I will have Z to myself today and tomorrow unless he has to catch up on office work.

 I feel so stupid and useless right now. I want to be more than his fuck toy or baby. I'm not happy about some of these changes, but I'm alive, and I am with him. One of my foster families introduced me to the beauty of Solomon, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." I guess everything else is negotiable. It's just about 4 am, I think I'll slide back into bed and give him a reason to rejoice before he has his morning prayers...

Chase