Thanksgiving....

 I was ready for Zahir to come home Tuesday. Imagine my surprise when the door opened and he walked in with my Grandma and Grandpa. Baba and Mama flew them over to have an American style Thanksgiving in Amman Jordan. I am so happy.

 There was an unpleasant moment. Grandma was the first to notice the fresh scar on my arm. For the record she didn't buy the cooking accident story the family told her.  I told her that I don't remember actually doing it. There was just so much stress, pain and pressure in my life. For one moment I just gave in to a dark impulse. She said she understood and hugged me in our garden.

 Thursday morning Aunt Meghan arrived. She couldn't get away on Monday. We have had a long talk. We share a little bit more in common. She knows something about depression and self harm. Turns out she did what I did when they found Mom's body.

 Aunt Meg will be returning to the States on Sunday. Meemaw and Pawpaw will be staying with us until we fly to Tampa for commencement. PawPaw had a long private "chat" with Zahir in the garden last night. When they came back Pawpaw has asked if he could give me away to Zahir when we have the Christian ceremony in the garden next week. I got weepy and said yes. I wonder how many people have three wedding ceremonies for the same person?

 This has been the best Thanksgiving in my life.


Chase

Why So Quiet?

Zahir and the boss have me traveling. Something unpleasant happened at the house. I am visiting some of the active out of country construction sites and going over designs and precision measurements.

A threat was made, but I am safe.  On the upside, I am doing some writing
 
---Yes, I have a bodyguard with me.

For the second time in three years I'm traveling without Zahir. He was needed back in Iran. Something to do with the earthquake at a construction site.

Not going to lie, I am very afraid.

Baba and the family promise things will be sorted by the wedding date. They think they know who was behind it. I am told this is only temporary...

I'm starting  to think my friends back in the states were right. Maybe I have been making too much noise here. But, graffiti can be painted over, and a guard dog can be replaced. Yes, someone killed one of my babies, not Kaeleb but one of his brothers.

 Chase

Another Year in the Books... and A New Chapter Begins!

 Yep, I am a teen no more. The BIG two zero. When one of our clients found this out he and his wife arranged a party. WOW! I will leave it at that. Our host clearly does NOTHING half way. There must have been fifty couples there. Zahir and his brothers were even impressed.  

 Betey has been on full alert since he arrived with the new pilot. Yup, I got my favorite bodyguard back. Z was in a meeting and his brothers took yours truly to the zoo. For the record "I" knew exactly where I was. My soon to be brother in laws however were "misplaced." 

 Grown men do NOT get lost we get separated from our party. We were on our way to see the monkeys. I was following the signs, they were following what was attached to the skirts. When I could not find them I asked an employee for help in English. (As I have said before this Miami boy speaks very little Spanish, and ZERO Portuguese.He too me to security. I texted Z and told him I was in security waiting for the brothers. They were pissed when they found me. That night it was decided I needed a dedicated minder (AND the brother's temporary numbers in my cell).

 Betey gave me a long list of rules to avoid issues like what happened on our last trip.

 Sorry for the text only post. We are at the Brazil vs Angola match. Typing while trying to look excited is hard. Soccer is not MY sport. Still there is a tremendous excitement here and the Brazilian team is doing great I am told. U.S. team... not so well.


Chase

Back in the Western Hemisphere...

 Just landed in São Paulo, Brazil. Two pilots (in addition to Zahir), one flight attendant and two brothers on the jet. I have now experienced something new. Whatever Z paid for the jet and the renovation... it was worth every single penny!!! All I will say is that I am grateful for a soft (quiet) voice. That and the crew rest area and main passenger saloon is in the front of the jet... AWAY from the suite.

 Zahir is pitching a deal in the morning. I get to play tourist with his brothers. We are mixing business with pleasure during this extended trip. Z's older brother (in a rare state of excitement) forgot my Arabic is improving and let the cat out of the bag. We are in country for the duration of the FIFA matches. Bouncing (pun intended) between venues and meetings. The local partners have arranged limo/helo travel between venues.

 As most of you know sports are NOT my thing. I am happy to just be with them.


 Chase

Good Day!!!

 The boss had Zahir and I in a private meeting Sunday. He told me my internship would continue so long as I also continued therapy. Of course I agreed to the stipulation. Zahir is NOT happy that on occasion I will have to intern with the other departments. The boss wants me double certified, and Z "...has no head for chemistry..." Clearly the boss hasn't seen Z in the shower. My man sizzles and oozes chemistry.

 We also discussed my engineering internship. The past two years count towards my four year apprenticeship for certification! Then he said I had a mandatory meeting with the senior partners Monday (after group).

 Today Z was beaming as the senior partners honored both Saleh (not his real name) and I. The incident in Kiev was acknowledged and we were praised and rewarded privately (let's just say it was a piece of paper with a lot of zeroes). I wanted to show Baba, but Z made me deposit the check on the way home and show the certificate instead. "Money is NOT the prize little angel..."

 We had a team meeting with the rest of the design and engineering teams. Also present was the president of the Ukrainian construction company, it seams our "gift" was from both companies. It was streamed to all of the company offices around the world. Pictures and videos of the deflection damage and subsequent repair were played. 

 The video of the recent Hard Rock collapse in New Orleans was played as well. The boss said "his boys" saved our company from a similar fate. I just heard his view about the lessons from the Jordan Gate Towers and took it to heart. Ten years after the disaster they are still unfinished. The boss would rather walk away from a "BAD" project than be a part of a tragedy. I used to think our boss was a bit of a creepy guy. With his four wives, dozens of kids and a VERY happy houseboy it was hard to understand at the time.  Now I see him as just another father/uncle to me (I am collecting a lot of them).
 
 
 Chase


P.S. Answer to fan question: I am up to 115 pounds. I feel fat. Z says I am now at a minimally healthy weight...

No more pencils... No more books...

 Well it's all over but the crying... Just kidding I did very well on my last exam. Final grades won't be posted for a while but I think I did well. It's so weird knowing I have no more work to do. I am (for all intents and purposes) a college graduate. Zahir's father has already had the, "What are you thinking of for your postgraduate studies" talk.

 I think I just want to be a houseboy and intern for a little while. Simply put, I want to be Zahir's boy for a while. I hope that doesn't disappoint Baba. In the meantime I have RSVP'd for graduation in December at the "beer hall." 

 I should have known one of Baba's friends teaches for USF. He picked up and shipped my regalia (a cap & gown) to Baba last semester. Baba and Mama surprised me with it after supper tonight. The "honors" accoutrements (sash and medallion) will be collected as soon as final grades are posted. Yes, I am a member of a Honor Society (surprise UBER NERD). Baba said as a joke I should apply for a foreign student sash. That sash is for foreign students studying IN Tampa not American students who study abroad.

 Zahir is off, courting future clients. The past couple days I have been with his parents. Our boss wants "US" in his office Sunday morning. To discuss the engineering certification process (It is not school but feels like it).

 Wedding plans are continuing. In December I will be a graduate and a Disney Princess!!! The actual site is a closely guarded secret but Mohsen and Stacy say it is perfect. I will be staying with my Grandparents for the signing of the marriage contract before the civil ceremony.

A Big Week of Big Changes

 Well I am alright. Zahir and I have been to six MENA region nations in four days. It has been grueling. We have been in non-stop meetings. I have one last final next week. My proctor is scheduled at the University.

 On the Zahir front, I walked in on a private conversation between Zahir and my therapy partner. It was John who led me to an international support group for male victims of rape. After my suicide attempt the group pulled him as my partner. They said it was for his protection. As a result John has now severed his ties with the group.

 John said, "Enough people have walked out and abandon this boy. I'm not going to be one of them." I know what he went through, I feel ashamed for being so weak. Without getting too in-depth because it is his story not mine, he survived two years as a victim of human trafficking. I can't even imagine. I know he tells me not to compare his trauma to my trauma.  He says pain is pain regardless of the source.
 
 Although he tells me I shouldn't, I am worried that my friend has now lost his therapy outlet. He told me not to worry that new opportunities will present themselves as needed. "My church family will watch over me too Chase."
 
 I'm hoping John will come to my commencement in December. He was rolling on the floor when I told him Mama says my commencement is taking place in a beer hall. The USF Sun Dome was renamed Yuengling Center.

 I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who love me.

New Update in Journal Therapy

 I have referred to the "incident" in a few posts. Looks like I didn't spell it out well enough. Here goes, I let life overtake logic. It only took a fraction of a second to make a near fatal mistake. I almost chose a permanent state of being to a temporary issue. For that dear readers I am sorry.

 Here is a link to my most recent Journal Therapy Update. I have made the same error twice before. This is not a mistake I plan to repeat again. 

 Zahir and the family have been as clingy as warm Saran-wrap. I think it is going to take a long time to regain their full trust again. The important thing is that I AM still here to try.

 Chase

Guilty Pleasures

 Ever since I was in the hospital back in March, I have developed a guilty pleasure... Webtoons. 
 
 Zahir caught me a while back hiding my browser page. He demanded to see what I was so embarrassed about. I handed the iPad to him to scan my browser history. I think he was expecting to find porn... That was when he was introduced to "Small World." He thinks it is cute when I do "real boy things" like reading comics. 

 When I told him Robin and Julian were like us he laughed. "I have not been small like Julian for many years." When I got more basic pointing out the tall/small paradigm he corrected me again. "My baby is NOT small, he is like those chocolate bars you Americans give out on YOUR birthday (Halloween). You are not small, you are fun sized!" Oh how I hate feel good euphemisms! I AM SHORT!!! Not compact, vertically challenged, of limited stature, wee one, petite, or fun sized.

 I have a new story I am following... Heartstopper. It takes place in a British all-boys grammar school. The story revolves around two characters:

1.  Charlie: A highly-strung, openly gay, slightly neurotic, over-thinker. Charlie is in a bad relationship when the story opens.
2.  Nick: A mellow easygoing, cheerful, soft-hearted jock. Slowly opening Charlie to a new world and experiences.

Sound familiar? (Z doesn't see the similarity)

 I read today's episode and I am sad. I think Nick is just now discovering who he is attracted to. I don't think that is going to be a pleasant discovery. In my experience, some alpha jocks with gay "stirrings" (realizations) will over compensate trying to prove to themselves and the world they are not gay.

 I told Zahir I wish I knew him when he was in grammar school. He told me that would not have worked out well. He said he thought of nothing but girls and flying then. "No, I would have been very bad for you then. I would not have seen you fully."

 Hang on Charlie I think you are in for a bumpy ride.

Z and I are on the way back to the office. The senior partners took him (and by proxy me) out to lunch. At these events I sit, am silent and attempt to blend into his shadow. I don't fit in with most of the "trophy" interns or the "real" interns. Both sides think I belong in the other camp. 

There are exceptions to every rule but none of those people were there. I ate and followed the conversation. Z pecked my cheek in the car and told me I did well.

Chase

Working Weekend in the Woods

 Zahir's star is on the rise. Since he made partner he has become a center of attention. With him being a driven extrovert alpha jock it is heaven (me not so much). One of the senior partners invited us to his cabin in Jerash. It is so pretty here and not what most would expect to see.
 
 The older partner's wife was occasionally giving me the stink-eye. That ended when our host started telling his older son about my adventure in Kiev. Z told me the partner's wife and kids were likely hanging on our every word in the kitchen.
 
 The company is like a family, and not much is more valuable than family honor. The fact I was injured after defending that image has value. Yes, I know the incident with the junkie had NOTHING to do with the crap the interior designer and the property developer pulled. I have learned folks LOVE stories and at times some will embellish the tale to draw others in.

 We were given separate bedrooms connected by a sitting room. It was weird not sleeping in his bed. This is one of those times we are treated as "brothers." Z has promised to make it up to me.

 I was enjoying morning coffee on the deck. A tiny blue tit caught my eye and full attention. "You notice the tiny things..." I was so startled by her voice I almost shot coffee out of my nose. Somewhere there MUST BE a spousal ninja academy. If so, I will have to attend to learn how to stealth in and out of areas like wives do here. When I regrouped she apologized for startling me. She finished her thought, "I see you notice the tiny things. Life happens in the tiny details most do not see."

 She laughed when I told her how the contractors in Kiev called me Krykhitna Ptytsya (the tiny bird). I went on to say most people don't take time to look at the small stuff. Overlooked things are where failure happens. She said in her world most of the young do not understand this.

 She asked if it was true that I "knock on tables" during meetings. Looks like the boss failed to mention our code to some of the other employees. I didn't realize that was a point of irritation among some of the managers. I told her I can only be heard when it is quiet and explained it was the boss who came up with the "table tap" as a way to get around my weakness.

 This of course led to the "what happened" talk. I gave the short version. I was injured and my voice was damaged. That explanation still earned me the broken boy pity look (BBPL). I hate the BBPL, next time I think I'll try to make a joke of it... "My voice saw my personality and ran away."

 Her husband came out on the deck and patted my head. His wife quickly departed. "I will tell the rest of the staff about the tap, and WHO mandated it's use." We chatted for a bit longer. I told him how beautiful his "cabin" and property were. His chest puffed out a bit. 

 Then Zahir stumbled out and asked how long WE had been up. I damn near died when the host said I had been a good boy, just quietly viewing his wife's tits. With my very red face buried in my hand I muttered, "You couldn't just say we were looking at the birds."

 We just finish dinner (lunch to most). The oldest son is taking Z and I for a walk in the forest. Heading back to the compound after supper.

  Only one final scheduled this week and three projects due (done already, going to polish them a bit more though) a light week. I have run the numbers, summa/magna cum laude are NOT in the cards. Baring a terminal bought of cranial flatulence I am on track for a respectable cum laude ending in both degrees. A couple professors dropped a few of my projects by a full grade. I turned them in late when I was sick earlier this year. Z was angry, "Meningitis B was a good reason to be late!"

 I reminded him the University didn't make me sick and they didn't have to take the projects at all. They were in fact turned in late. I made the joke; Of those who graduate very few students come in summa cum laude, some reach magna cum laude, more just cum laude and others come in shouting "lawdy, lawdy we likes to pawty..." all get the same degree. He didn't laugh. He smiled when I added, "Daddy, is life fair?"


 - Christopher

Okay I'm Easily Confused...

 The boss and Zahir spent all day Tuesday discussing a long calendar of events that Z would have to be present for. Included in that list was three weeks in December for our wedding and honeymoon. It seems the boss is trying to step back away from the day-to-day operations and he's looking at Zahir and the other parters to step into his sizable shoes. I was grateful for the break when the boss's tea boy took me to a session with my therapist.

 At home I have a flurry of "tutors" from around the family. Every single day of the week I will be meeting with either one of his brothers or one of his sisters in law. They are assisting me with the completion of my college education. I don't need help with my labs, but apparently speed is now of the essence.  

 My final course is supposed to close out on Wednesday the 23rd of October. Zahir is trying to get me to finish by the 21st. I don't know why or what the hurry is about. He says we have a long company business trip in San Paulo and Rio de Janeiro beginning that week and he wants me finished with school before we depart. "If possible I want to finish our business before the 26th. There is something special I wish to show you."  I have a feeling this may be one of those carrot or the stick moments.
 
 I also found out three of his older brother's will be accompanying us to Brazil. As recent events have proven, I am not the most brilliant person in the world but I think something else is going on.

 Yesterday he spent most of the morning at the airport with "Muffin" (Muflih) teaching him in the other pilots the upgraded flight systems on the G550. Zahir's jet is both in and out of the company fleet. Z pays for parts but the routine maintenance and crew training is handled by the company.
 
 For long private flights (like our wedding and honeymoon) he can reimburse the company for the use of additional pilots and crew as needed. I have to admit that is a killer perk. Our boss must have been really concerned about Z leaving to start his own business. I am also starting to understand how long he has been grooming Z. His presence in Miami on the agricultural side of the parent company is starting to make sense.

 During their training I discovered why you have to put your cellular devices into airplane mode. When a cell phone pulses on an airplane, attempting to reach a cell tower, it makes a god-awful noise over the aircraft's radio systems. It is THE single fastest way to annoy the crap out of your pilot. After chastising me (then finding out that my devices were in airplane mode) Muffin checked his own cell phone... oops.

 More on communications... Thank God the Wi-Fi on the jet rocks. Z was a little embarrassed when he found out I was actually trying to take one of my finals while he was doing systems and "taxi" training with the pilots. Some of my humanities do not require the use of a proctor for on-line tests. 

 In-spite of the noise, I only missed ONE question. THE TEST WAS WRONG!!! I had just composed my challenge of the question when I heard a chuckle, followed by a nice shoulder and neck rub. Zahir said "Let it go baby, it is a very good score."

 Z told me if he had known I was taking a final, he would have sent me to the university with Baba to take the final in peace. He still doesn't understand, as an introvert I can be alone even in a crowded room, as long as people leave me be.

 We have another full day today. we have our couples session with Doc. I have a follow up for my arm with the surgeon too. Side note on therapy; Kaeleb got his staples out, and his hair is filling in again. Although anytime I go near the knife block in the kitchen now he whines. I feel stupid and guilty. I hurt a lot of people.


 Christopher (I think I prefer using Chase)

Zahir likes walking into the room
to find the three fur babies snuggling on me.
He knows I am safe.

The Rest of The Weekend

 The rest of this weekend was a bit of a blur. We took possession of the Gulfstream Friday morning. I think Zahir teared up during the walk through. It is NOT the old minivan any longer. 
 
 That evening we were in Karlovy Vary, Czechia having dinner with a client at his "country home." His country home was bigger than both of our homes in the compound in Amman. Keep in mind, I still get lost in the big house... This place was crazy HUGE.

 Karlovy Vary is a gorgeous city. The buildings were so colorful, some looked like they could have been decorated cakes (or out of a Disney princess wet dream). Everywhere my eyes fell, it was like looking at scenes from a life sized children's story book. 

 The client is looking to build a modern office and residential building in Prague. His company and his private city residence would take up the top floors. He likes our company's portfolio and reputation for innovation. When he said, "I wish to make a mark, a positive statement, on my nation's skyline." Z grinned, I thought no pressure...

 We flew across the border into Germany Saturday night and stayed until Monday morning in Berlin. Yes, he did take me dancing. So we missed our couples therapy on Thursday (Z called an cancelled mid flight) and I missed PTSD group yesterday. It was worth it to be on his arm in public. I will be back in session today with Shrinky Dink. Heading to the office with Z today, life is good and so am I.

 Christopher

It was a Good Morning

(***See note on bottom)

 Zahir had to meet with nervous clients this morning. He was about to call home for security to come get me to take me to my therapy session. It was a rock and hard place moment. If security came from the house I would be real late for session.

 Boss surprised us both when he offered to take me. He had an event with one of his wives in Al-Abdali and offered to drop me and have his assistant wait for me to finish, then drive me back to the office. No I am still not being left alone.

 On the ride we talked about recent events. He did ask what was in my head the morning of my incident. I didn't have a good answer. I still don't remember doing it. We talked about a lot of things, thankfully he has a very quiet car. He promised to help with my post graduate certifications. 

He thinks Z and I make a good design team. He says Zahir is a good engineer but a visionary architect. The boss thinks I have a better head for the physical engineering side of the building equation. He said, "The two of you are two halves of the circle." Not sure what that means but I like it.

 Looking back on "the incident:"

 I have told Aunt Meghan. She offered to fly over to care for me. She agrees that her parents don't need to know anything more than I was hurt but am healing. I got more than a few emails, and people here asking why... I don't know is the only answer I got.

 All I had to do was open my mouth and say the most difficult six letters in the English language, "HELP ME!" It is so difficult to admit you cannot do it all. It is so easy to push down the pain and paint on a smile. That facade eventually fails. It is easy to destroy, it is difficult to build, to create something that will last.

 I am so lucky, I have a network of love woven around me. They picked up the pieces and put me back together. I have a long way to go but I have a solid base again.

 Christopher


(*** About the opening artwork: Since Zahir insisted on me trying to wear my "birth name" I thought it was only fair I start calling him Pooh Bear... He is grudgingly tolerating it.)

Hard To Believe...

 It is hard to believe it has been two weeks. After group tomorrow I have my second follow up. The wound wasn't healed enough at ten days so the stitches will come out tomorrow. Steri-strips will replace the stitches for ten more days or until they fall off. I am glad Zahir has me in long sleeves normally. It is easier to just say I hurt my arm without others seeing the damage.

 I was admonished by the church today. I was reminded I made a promise to follow the governance of the Presbytery. The rebuke was lovingly done but they did hold me accountable for my error. I apologized for my momentary failure. I should have told a deacon, pastor, Z, Doc or any number of people I had dark thoughts again. The matter was dropped without further discussion.

 I feel dumb. Chris had watch today so the Pastor took me back to the office. The three of us had a discussion about the days events and he left me with Z. Zahir locked the office door and hugged me for a long time, "I wish I could fight all of your battles..."



Christopher 

Housekeeping... Answering Questions IV

I woke up before Z so,

It's that time again to open the eMails:

 Question (slightly re-phrased): "How does so much <stuff> happen to you?" 

   Smart assed answer: Magnets! 

   More accurate but non-provable theory: I truly believe some people either have misfortune drawn to them or they to misfortune (not unlike a magnet to metal).

I am gay and have nerd heroes. 
Is ANYONE really surprised?

 I think Austrian theoretical physicist Wolfgang Pauli had similar luck as I have. In addition to being a personal hero of mine, and a legend in the fields of theoretical physics and quantum mechanics. 

Pauli and his colleagues at the University of Göttingen often described the many occasions that very expensive equipment suffered technical problems only when he was present. It occurred so often it became known as "The Pauli Effect." It was also tagged as “The Second Pauli Exclusion Principle,” according to which a functioning device and Wolfgang Pauli may not occupy the same room at the same time. Pauli himself was convinced that the effect named after him was real.

 Funny side notes about Pauli: After Pauli left the faculty an incident occurred in the physics laboratory at his former University. An expensive measuring device, for no apparent reason, suddenly stopped working. James Franck, the director of the institute, reported the incident to his colleague Pauli with the humorous remark, "... at least this time you are innocent..." However, it turned out that Pauli had been traveling to Copenhagen and had switched trains in the Göttingen rail station a few hundred meters from the lab at about the time of the failure.

 At one reception this effect was to be parodied by deliberately crashing a chandelier upon Pauli's entrance. The chandelier was suspended on a rope to be released, but it stuck instead, thus becoming a real example of the Pauli effect.

    The short accurate answer: I don't know, it just does.

 Question: "What happened to the dog?" 
   Answer: Kaeleb shredded the styles between the window panes causing the top pane to shatter. He jumped through the opening to get help for me. On his way through his shoulder made contact with The glass cutting it deep. 

  Irony his name has different meanings based on dialect it can mean; "Dog," "Bold and strong," "tenacious and aggressive," and "Brave." I find he is "all of the above."

  As to your second question... Yes, I feel like shit.

 And we have another painful cluster of personal questions...
 
Q) <From a female reader> "Doesn't butt sex hurt..."
    A) Butt sex <snicker>. I have to give you a two part answer on this:

       1) First time YES. Although I was out cold, I was only 14 Cal was in his mid 30s. I don't know how many times he and my foster brother used me or who went first. When I woke and my head cleared in the hospital my bottom was throbbing. It took six sutures to repair the tear. The bruising and tenderness took weeks to fade.

       2) When Z and I chose to begin a physical relationship four years later, he took his time preparing me... LOTS of foreplay including lube and stretching finger play. By the time the main event came I felt nothing but a lot of pressure, then a lot of pleasure. Is this normal, I don't know. As we all know, I am not normal.

 The last few you have to remember, I only use the email account for two things. Either they took time out of their lives to: 

 A) Read a gay teen's blog.

(OR)

 B) Read my gay/trans stories on line...

 (I just cut and pasted: JUST AS WRITTEN... Ok I bolded some funny bits)

Here we go:
Q) "Are you sure you got the gay?" 
    A) Yes darling, I was injected and infected!

Q) "Your like a dude, Ya gotta like titties right?"
     A) <sigh> Yes, I am in fact just "like" a "dude." 

  Tell you the truth though, I have always preferred well sculpted pecs to women's breasts. When I was 14 I lusted after an older Cuban boy. I loved watching his chest ripple when he pitched shirtless. <oh drool> 

  BTW: Please review Your vs You're...

 Q) "You got one <penis I was born with> why do you need another guy's"
    A) I find they are like Lay's Potato Chips, "You Can't Just Have One ..."

 

-Christopher