The Long Climb From Nothing
My Long Climb From Nothing... My destination, beyond the horizon. My purpose to discover me. My Therapist recommended a diary... So I share (to a point)
Wednesday, October 05, 2022
What To Do With Downtime...
Monday, August 29, 2022
it is finished.
Hard to believe it has been almost a year between posts. Sorry, life happened.
After three long years I have finally completed Night of the Wolf. Chapter 6 will be the final chapter. It was hard but I couldn't just walk away from Jedidiah and Arian.
A few times it put me in a bad mental state and Zahir made me stop. He was right. I know some fans will have issue with the sugary ending but it is what is.
We are still in London I'm not sure for how much longer. COVID and economic slowdown have taken a toll on the industry. There is a chance we will move back to Jordan.
If that happens I will be the house boy and occasional consultant. Zahir says I can go back to school. Seems silly to go for a master's degree in a career I will probably never be able to work in.
I lost my grandparents. Meemaw got COVID with COPD complications it didn't take much. I never knew she was a smoker at one time. Okay I guess I am a little on the dumb side... DUH they were tobacco farmers. Pawpaw died of a heart attack a few weeks later. Zahir took me to both services.
His mother came to be with me when we got back to London. Aunt Megan has been calling me 2 to 3 times a week just to make sure I'm doing well. For so long I dreamt of having a family. They finally come back into my life and I lose them within 3 years.
Z has been doing a lot of baby care on me. He is my rock, I would be lost without him.
Sunday, September 05, 2021
I Am Back!!!
My voice is getting stronger. Best it has been since it was stolen. I am so happy!
I AM BACK!!!
Christopher the Victorious!
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Isolation and Setbacks
Had a setback, I pushed too hard in rehab. What happens when a partially mute boy gets muscle tension dysphonia?
Answer, his doctor commanding he become a completely mute boy. Only for three days of recovery.
My external sutures come out Friday. I have been so self-conscious about the scar, Zahir got me some cute scarves, neck-wraps, and mock turtlenecks. He surprised me with a leather collar too. It says baby. The doc recommended no on that for a while, it breeds bacteria.
Our post surgical isolation will be over next week and a half. The recent scans look very good. The otolaryngologist in-spite of the setback is pleased with the repair. The cosmetic surgeon is happy with the result of her side of the procedure. We are looking forward to returning to London. I will have a few more weeks of rest and recovery. Our primary care doctor will take over my care there.
It looks like Z may have to return to Florida. A group who we designed a building for have chosen NOT to listen to our advice. BIG mistake. Zahir and the big boss are pissed beyond words.
Monday, July 26, 2021
I Am A Real Cut Up
Sorry for the post surgical post YIKES it was bad! I tried to clean it up a bit...
Had the surgery on the 26th. We got lucky, an opening occurred and Doc pushed up the date. He prefers not to use the surgical suite on Fridays.
The procedure to repair my voice box went longer than expected. There was more scar tissue than expected around the nerve. I was on the table for six hours. The doctor and cosmetic surgeon said things went well. Now I have to be quiet until the doc says. I am NOT having a full reconstruction. I guess I got used to not having an Adam's apple. Having a bunch of additional stuff added seems silly. Zahir said it was my choice and said okay.
I was groggy for a couple days afterwards. Z was constantly shushing me and had me using the tablet my fingers weren't cooperating enough to sign, I hate anesthesia. I have to take medications of pain and anti inflammatory. Zahir brought in backup, MEEMAW arrived early this morning. She must have flown all night.
The cosmetic surgeon used tiny little sutures to close me up that SHOULD look like a normal neck crease when the tissues heals. I told her it still makes me look like Frankenstein's creation. She said what I am seeing is a fresh wound, with the elasticity of my skin you'll have to look hard to see the revised scar. When She and Z spoke together they switched to German. I don't understand much German but I COULD understand some of the potty mouth things she had to say about the DCF approved doctor who closed me up last.
Doc had me doing TH, SH, M and H sounds today. Smiles all around, fingers crossed that this continues.
Christopher
Wednesday, June 30, 2021
Meltdown In Miami
Sunday, June 13, 2021
On The Road With MeeMaw
I had an emergency meeting with building officials in Berlin regarding change sheets for a housing project. The problem, Zahir is on another continent also for an emergency consult for the home office. I love twitchy clients... NOT. The big boss arranged a sign translator who had "a minor background" in personal security.
About two minutes into a prep-time meeting with him I learned his sign skills could have been generously labeled NOVICE level. I was MORE than a little angry. I was on the video conference with the Big Boss politely stating I do not need a bodyguard as much as I need an interpreter. Aunt Meg peeked in the office and suggested I take her mom. Turns out back in the day MeeMaw was an Army Nurse who served in Germany. She signs AND is fluent in "High" German. Not sure if the boss or I was more surprised with this. He tested her German skills and was impressed.
Two days later, we said farewell to Meg and PawPaw. Then MeeMaw, Mr. Minder, and I headed off to Berlin. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about this trip it is my first REAL big time "solo" project for the firm. Everyone else is busy on other projects. Having MeeMaw along was oddly comforting. Three days of meetings and everything is back on track. Big Boss was very happy emailing me BEFORE I could send him my report. I guess people in Berlin were impressed.
The business trip also afforded me the opportunity to make a side trip to Leipzig. My doctor has been urging me for fresh MRI and Cat scans of the tissue/nerve damage to my throat. I thought long and hard about ditching my minder and sprinting down to the medical center with MeeMaw. I EVEN BOOKED THE CAR! The thought of another round of pity the boy looks from Mr. Minder was NOT what I needed. I had the keys in my hand, and thought of how disappointed Zahir would be with me. No, the last thing I needed was a repeat of the incident in Kiev. I fessed up to Mr. Minder and handed him the keys. The look of relief on his face was priceless. He was so grateful he let me drive for a stretch on the A9 between Berlin and Leipzig. He handled the city portions. It was so "LIT" no speed limit! I got the BMW 118I over 200 KPH (about 125 MPH). The car was rated to go faster but I didn't feel comfortable too far beyond the two century mark.
The tests went well and the doctor put me on a diet, medication, and exercise regiment to prepare me for the procedure. He has a partner with his practice who will perform a revision on the scar tissue on my neck. MeeMaw sat in with me and asked questions I NEVER would have thought of. Still I would have preferred if Z was there with me.
Mr. Minder (Abasi) and I put MeeMaw on a jet back to the States. Boss gave her a huge bonus and asked if she would like to freelance from time to time. I am sure he was being polite. That said he has surprised me in the past.
Back in London. One of my presurgical "exercises" is being silent as much as possible. For a guy who can only talk 30-50 minutes TOTAL per day, it is far more difficult than it "sounds." It is going to be a long month, then a long recovery.
Zahir comes home tomorrow, I am expecting passionately mad snuggles to make his boy feel better.
Christopher
Thursday, May 13, 2021
Full Circle
Tuesday, April 27, 2021
Still Living, Still Changing, Still Challenging.
When I tell you it was small, I felt HUGE inside it. The bedroom section barely fits a full size bed. I guess I got used to being able to spread out. I was missing the house in Amman. When I forced to smile Z saw right through me. "Baby this is temporary. It is just until the new flat is fitted for you." Then he told me it was just joke and only for two nights.
This is the second country I've lived in outside the United States. It is so different from Amman that I'm having no small measure of culture shock. Still the people are welcoming and nice. The dampness is causing a problem, I am silent more often than not.
Saturday, January 16, 2021
The Bullies Won...
It has been decided we will be leaving Jordan. However opening a design bureau in the U.S. has been ruled out by the company's owner. He is concerned with the short term political and economic uncertainties facing the United States at this time.
If I were if I were a betting man, like the big guys! I would be leaning towards the UK, Spain, or Germany. So other than the fact that we are leaving, everything else is uncertain right now. Zahir is not happy but he's putting a brave face on in front of me.
Chase
Thursday, November 05, 2020
Backlash... New Talent... Turning 21...
I guess it was inevitable... I am so proud that Zahir doesn't want to hide me and our marital status anymore. That said there has been a price, things have gotten weird here. We have been receiving threatening calls. Mama and I are not allowed to answer them without screening first.
I apologized to Mama for changing her world. She responded with more love. She says the "friends" who have fallen away, were not real friends in the first place.A couple weeks ago I was sent home with security after a suspicious package arrived at the office. Neither the boss or Zahir will tell me what was in it. A few days later I was allowed to return to the campus after new security was put in place.
A few of my buddies have asked if we are leaving Jordan. I know they are concerned with my safety. The brothers met to discuss the topic of leaving Jordan as well. Of course, I was not a "direct" contributor to their discussion.
Something odd happened, while Mama and I were making snacks. The brothers took a break and Z took me to our suite. For the first time he asked my opinion on something serious. I told him the people who are harassing us are bullies. I have some experience dealing with bullies. I know they have to be opposed or they win and become bolder. In order for change to occur someone has to be brave enough (KNOWING the risk) to stand. I also said it was NOT my place to make the change.
Although I call this country my home, I am not a Jordanian or Bedu (hubby disagreed). I told him that however he chose for us, I would stand with him. Long story short, regardless of the cost, we are staying.
Zahir had to go on a business trip because of the destination, he had to go without me. He gave me permission to go with the boss to Monaco we are re-designing a casino. There is a lot of structural work that has to happen. Calculating load points on the fly is my specialty. We had a real good first meeting with the client.
That night the boss wanted to hit the casino. He gave me a little stack of chips to mess around with. Found out I SUCK at poker!!! I do not have the "poker face" needed. However, I do REAL well at twenty-one. Z got an alert on my bank account when I deposited my winnings. It seams my math gift works real good at odds calculations. The boss stayed very close to me for the next three trips to the casino.
It's nice proving I can contribute to our family's assets.
The boss will be taking me on another trip next week... Hint it is VERY cold there and there are huge travel restrictions. We will be isolated for two weeks waiting to talk to the client. Then another two weeks of isolation when we get home. This client insists on face to face contact. Zahir will be in the field too, just not with us.
The boss is trying to keep Zahir and I on the same travel timelines to minimize our separation. He has become like another father to me. The boss is determined to get me certified and accredited as swiftly as possible. I am not sure but, I think he wants to use Z and I as the company front men for our work in Europe and the States.
And on the topic of twenty-one... I have turned it! The celebration was low-key. Got to chat with the grandparents, Officer Mike and dispatcher John. The party was no booze, just fun, family and food.
I got a cute "not for public"
gift from Z.
The bottom line (no pun intended) I am still here and fabulous!
Tuesday, September 15, 2020
My Meeting with Death...
Sorry that it has been so long. I have been too busy. I thought things would get easier after college... I was wrong. I have met many deadly things in Jordan, but NOTHING prepared me for this...
Between working, moving and learning to manage the bigger house and staff, I have also become Mama's taxi service. She is taking me everywhere. For the most part I still get introduced as her "adopted" son. Other times there is often a wink or a nod when I am introduced as Zahir's boy.
When I take her to her charity meetings I am "HER" boy. A few weeks back Mama had a charity board meeting. That day Z told me to follow her lead and not be confrontational. He actually said this as we were headed out, "Behave my baby, and do not stress. My mother will never jeopardize her favorite daughter-in-law." If he had any fillings, I swear she would have rattled them with the slap he earned. Mama hits hard.
When we arrived, all was chill till this older lady came in with her assistant. I was sitting off to the side having a plate of cookies and some tea. Somehow I became the topic of conversation. I was not intending on listening in, but it was a small room, and I did tune in and out.
The assistant to the angry looking woman had been shooting me some heavy shade. I could see the hate rolling off her. Serious if her eyes were daggers, I would have been dead. One of the other ladies mentioned she knew a girl who was perfect for me. A couple of the other ladies chimed in.
That was when the bitch goddess rubbed the third finger of her left hand and said, "Shouldn't we ask its 'sugar daddy.'" ('umurat baba - had to search that one.)
The room was dead silent for what felt like hours but was actually only seconds. That was when the first clap back hit. "Perhaps if you were a better wife, he (Zahir) would still be your husband." Some of the others jumped in too. Mama hung back and watched the other women verbally rip her former daughter-in-law to shreds. It was brutal, I learned a few new words. Girls can get mean!
Without looking, her boss said, "How shameful it must be for you to be out woman-ed by such a polite hard working boy. He understands your tongue and yet does not lower himself to your level." Then Ms. Bughi (learned that word means wench) stormed out. I will never understand how a beautiful thing, can be so ugly.
I signed to Mama asking if she was upset and wanted to leave. "Absolutely not. Enjoy your treats." Then the women returned to the business at hand. A few occasionally added a suggestion of a woman or two who would like and "understand" me.
When the meeting was over Mama and I gave the now rideless older woman a lift home. Turns out she is a big lawyer here. She and Mama sat in the back and chatted. When we got to her building she apologized for the bad behavior of her staff member. I told her it was ok. I also said it would be wrong to blame her for the words of another.
I owe a huge thank you to my buddy in Texas. Emri is republishing one of my favorite stories (his Kasper story.) Today's chapter stung Z a bit. He likes reading them out loud to me. Afterwards we usually snuggle and stuff.
Today he asked if I thought HE was ashamed of me. I have said before while it is not illegal, it is not safe to be out here, especially if you are the bottom. I told him I understood when I said I do, there would be limits. He kissed my forehead and I thought it was over. He told me to shower and went to the closet picking out clothes for us.
We had dinner at one of the most expensive places in town. We have been there before, a lot actually. This time he treated me like a real date. He fawned on me. He was holding my hand and rubbing my ring finger. It earned a few nods and smiles, from both ex-pats and locals alike. We also drew a few ugly looks too. Still, it was the best date night EVER.
I guess we are out... Not too loud, but very proud of my guy!
Night y'all
Chase
Monday, July 27, 2020
Good News and "Meh" News
This visit was bittersweet. The appointment was originally scheduled for Baba and I. My doctor requested "Z" NEVER to be present during my stress tests. Being in the same room with him does funny things to my heartbeat. Not a joke... it literally skips beats when he talks... hell when he looks at me I have a flutter.
Zahir's oldest brother was supposed to take us. With his father's death being so recent I can understand that he just couldn't. I offered to drive myself. Yes, I do have a license now.
After seeing the video, Zahir relented on letting me drive. He got me a cute little BMW SUV. I tried to push for the stick shift. Z said no, "...too much work for my baby." He thought it was too much for a new driver in this country to handle. He is right I guess.
All that said, since the incident with the local police, Zahir is not letting me out of the property without an escort, so the car sits idle much of the time. I've taken Mama to market and stuff like that. I cannot even take myself to church. End note
Zahir also reminded me one of the requirements of the stress test was that I had to have a designated driver. His older brother Arba'ah took me. He's a riot, he shares Z's sense of humor. The two of them are only 11 months apart and they look almost like twins. I do confess there has been an occasional dirty thought. Nothing I would ever act on.
For one thing his wife scares me, in a good way. She is militantly protective of her family... think pit-bull with rabies, if you are stupid enough to cross her. She's one of the wives who both accepts me as I am and as part of her family. I would never violate that trust.
The doctor's visit also gave us some answers. Nothing all that devastating, and nothing we can fix. It falls into the category of, it is what it is. Z says he is happy... me, not so much. On the good side, I may grow another inch or so.
Although Z said my health report was his best birthday gift, I still surprised him with an ornate platinum ring. Until you read the inscription it doesn't look like a wedding ring. The inscription is, "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.
Goodnight y'all,
Chase
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
MORE... Changes!!!
Today Kaeleb started demanding my attention traditional sign for, "I need to potty hooman." As we hit the kitchen he made a hard left towards the guest suite that holds my "boy cave." He led me straight to my room. I found Mama napping in my bed. Shamal the other indoor maligator (Kaeleb's litter mate) alerted when I peeked in the door waking Mama. She said she felt at peace in my room and it was too painful sleeping in her suite without Baba. I told her to use it any time.
On to the weird front, Mama and my boys are developing a strange friendship. Malinois are uber-high energy animals. Occasionally they will break into what I call zoom mode. They start chasing each other at high speed. It normally continues until I open the door an throw the Kong 15 billion times. This is the case... EXCEPT when Mama enters the room.