Housekeeping... Answering Questions IV

I woke up before Z so,

It's that time again to open the eMails:

 Question (slightly re-phrased): "How does so much <stuff> happen to you?" 

   Smart assed answer: Magnets! 

   More accurate but non-provable theory: I truly believe some people either have misfortune drawn to them or they to misfortune (not unlike a magnet to metal).

I am gay and have nerd heroes. 
Is ANYONE really surprised?

 I think Austrian theoretical physicist Wolfgang Pauli had similar luck as I have. In addition to being a personal hero of mine, and a legend in the fields of theoretical physics and quantum mechanics. 

Pauli and his colleagues at the University of Göttingen often described the many occasions that very expensive equipment suffered technical problems only when he was present. It occurred so often it became known as "The Pauli Effect." It was also tagged as “The Second Pauli Exclusion Principle,” according to which a functioning device and Wolfgang Pauli may not occupy the same room at the same time. Pauli himself was convinced that the effect named after him was real.

 Funny side notes about Pauli: After Pauli left the faculty an incident occurred in the physics laboratory at his former University. An expensive measuring device, for no apparent reason, suddenly stopped working. James Franck, the director of the institute, reported the incident to his colleague Pauli with the humorous remark, "... at least this time you are innocent..." However, it turned out that Pauli had been traveling to Copenhagen and had switched trains in the Göttingen rail station a few hundred meters from the lab at about the time of the failure.

 At one reception this effect was to be parodied by deliberately crashing a chandelier upon Pauli's entrance. The chandelier was suspended on a rope to be released, but it stuck instead, thus becoming a real example of the Pauli effect.

    The short accurate answer: I don't know, it just does.

 Question: "What happened to the dog?" 
   Answer: Kaeleb shredded the styles between the window panes causing the top pane to shatter. He jumped through the opening to get help for me. On his way through his shoulder made contact with The glass cutting it deep. 

  Irony his name has different meanings based on dialect it can mean; "Dog," "Bold and strong," "tenacious and aggressive," and "Brave." I find he is "all of the above."

  As to your second question... Yes, I feel like shit.

 And we have another painful cluster of personal questions...
 
Q) <From a female reader> "Doesn't butt sex hurt..."
    A) Butt sex <snicker>. I have to give you a two part answer on this:

       1) First time YES. Although I was out cold, I was only 14 Cal was in his mid 30s. I don't know how many times he and my foster brother used me or who went first. When I woke and my head cleared in the hospital my bottom was throbbing. It took six sutures to repair the tear. The bruising and tenderness took weeks to fade.

       2) When Z and I chose to begin a physical relationship four years later, he took his time preparing me... LOTS of foreplay including lube and stretching finger play. By the time the main event came I felt nothing but a lot of pressure, then a lot of pleasure. Is this normal, I don't know. As we all know, I am not normal.

 The last few you have to remember, I only use the email account for two things. Either they took time out of their lives to: 

 A) Read a gay teen's blog.

(OR)

 B) Read my gay/trans stories on line...

 (I just cut and pasted: JUST AS WRITTEN... Ok I bolded some funny bits)

Here we go:
Q) "Are you sure you got the gay?" 
    A) Yes darling, I was injected and infected!

Q) "Your like a dude, Ya gotta like titties right?"
     A) <sigh> Yes, I am in fact just "like" a "dude." 

  Tell you the truth though, I have always preferred well sculpted pecs to women's breasts. When I was 14 I lusted after an older Cuban boy. I loved watching his chest ripple when he pitched shirtless. <oh drool> 

  BTW: Please review Your vs You're...

 Q) "You got one <penis I was born with> why do you need another guy's"
    A) I find they are like Lay's Potato Chips, "You Can't Just Have One ..."

 

-Christopher

Breakfast / DD - Bootcamp / End of Work Week...

 The day started with me sitting in Zahir's lap at breakfast trying to kiss the gray hairs off of his head. I know I am the reason some of them are there. I again apologized for the trouble I caused. He gathered and held my hands. He softly kissed my fingers (It is a thing he likes to do). "Already forgiven, say no more of it. You only need to forgive yourself." 

 I love my guy. 

 I also told him I am a little nervous about going out with the guys tonight. Zahir won't come with us but he says I need "boy" fun-time. I think it is the venue. He has too much risk now. I love him and I know he loves me. That said, this is one of those times I feel like a dirty secret. Yes, I did tell him. Sad is allowed, but Zahir has to know when I am sad or upset.

 Trying so hard to stay upbeat. I learned something new that made me smile. Zahir hated me calling him Baba when I tried it once. I discovered he DOES like it when I call him "Daddy" (in English). There is a rule covering it's use, "Only when we are alone."

 We have had a lot of long talks over the last week. I had a bit of a breakthrough. The first time Z went to kiss me on the lips when we were dating he tried to cradle my jaw (see example on left). I had a complete Fukushima like meltdown. It was NOT pretty. The irony is I love when Z kisses, licks and nips at my neck. Hands have always been a non starter.

 You have to understand, thanks to Cal almost succeeding in murdering me by choking me out. My neck is THE most intimate part of my body. When someone gets their hands near my neck I panic. If they touch me there I have on occasion had a panic attack so bad I pass out. 

 Z was reviewing my blog yesterday and something touching happened. He asked how much I trust him... Usually I would have made a joke of the question saying something like "Enough to jump from an airplane..." One of the things I have learned is I cannot hide anymore. Things long hidden and not dealt with can hurt you, I need to face things.

 I took his hands and placed them where they belonged. I confess there was fear, trembling and a tear or two may have formed on my part. But what followed was the single best kiss of my life. He was so very tender. His thumbs caressed where my Adams apple had been and I didn't care. He took my baby step with me and gave me something amazing.

 On a side note: Cal wasn't in my mind during that kiss. I don't know if this is a forever thing, but it was a really good baby step.

 
 It is Thursday!!! Couples therapy session with Dr Braidable NoseHair (AKA Shrinky Dink):

Zahir told him about the kiss/neck breakthrough. Not sure Doc understood the importance.

 Doc said Z and I already had a good start on a Domestic Discipline relationship. He and Z had a long talk during their 1 on 1 session about our living arrangement. I have to admit I thought DD was the same as BDSM. I was wrong.

 We always had a daddy/boy dynamic to us as a couple. It is just who we are. What we didn't do is formalize the rules aspect of our home.

 I know this is going to come as a HUGE surprise, I have a very submissive personality. I am a wickedly shy introvert. Also a big shock my former fighter jock lover/fiance has a VERY dominant one. He is an over the top extrovert.

 At one point the doc pulled my tablet out of my hands to see what I was doing. I think he was going to rebuke me for not paying attention. He chuckled to see I was almost transcribing the discussion word for word WHILE still participating. Not bad for having to use my right hand only.

 Domestic Discipline (It Is NOT Fifty Shades of Grey) it is a relationship where the Head of Household (HoH) is in charge of the Taken in Hand (TiH) partner. Once a week there is a rule review session where items can be added or removed as needed.

 IT IS NOT one sided. If it is one sided, it is abuse (GET OUT AND GET HELP). 

 There are mutually agreed upon rules and consequences for the TiH. There are also mutually agreed upon punishments for breaking those rules. The punishments can range from spanking, corner time, kneeling, writing lines to re-enforce the violated rule and other things. 

 A first offense results in a reminder of the infraction. Punishments commence upon subsequent infractions and MUST include an explanation of the rule and punishment. Then delivery of the punishment. Followed by proper aftercare. Punishment can NEVER come from anger. The HoH must guide the TiH from patience, planning, and perseverance. 

 DD differs from a BDSM relationship as the punishments are non sexual. In our case spanking is out. Pain has a secondary effect on me, I get excited... well parts of me anyway. This crosses the line to sexual thus no longer punishment. Am I a masochist? NO! I do not like pain, but my body's hardware and software have been screwed with. Again the HoH MUST proceed with full knowledge of their TiH.

 It is NOT all about the rules... but they are important. The HoH Rules fall within 5 general DD Categories:(3D S&H for short)

 The categories are:

1. Dishonesty
2. Disobedience
3. Disrespect
4. Safety
5. Health

 Important Note: Begin patiently from goals brought up by the TiH through their TiH List (yes the TiH gets a say) and communication during sit down discussions. 

 Communication is key... Make rules that fit your specific needs. Beginning with some arbitrary list of rules found on a blog somewhere will not promote the unique needs of the TiH of the relationship. Participants must build from goals and aspirations for a TiH and the relationship first.
 
 On the way back to the office we stopped for dinner and kept the discussion going. WE are going to have our first "sit down discussion" after supper tonight.

I love the comic strip Small World

 

 Next weekend we return to Switzerland, the G550 will be ready for pickup. Maybe we can hit the town there. He says we are going to test the bird. Knowing him that could mean anything, up to flying around the world.

 -Christopher




***Update***

 The guys showed up in an SUV. Safee and Chris had a quick chat with Z as I got drinks for everyone. Both guys had dates in tow. I KNOW this is going to sound catty, their dates were a couple twinks from the UN office who made ME look like a ALPHA BEAR, or at least a wolf.

 Z took me back to the bedroom and laid-out a new outfit for me. Books@Cafe was not our destination tonight, sorry Madian (He is kind of the unofficial "QUEEN" of Amman). 

 NOPE, I was taken clubbing. Yes there are clubs in Amman. Safee said we are going "old school" to a floating gay-friendly, rave dance party. I have no doubt Z was monitoring my trackers. I KNOW with absolute certainty security followed us.

 Z insisted on me carrying both my iPhone and Apple Watch so I could "feel" if he calls me. He can also remotely turn on the cams and mics to look in on me.

 It was ok but I mostly table sat. Dancing isn't as much fun alone or with an odd number of guys. About 10 Chris started asking detailed questions about the Iranian home project. I jumped out of my skin when I had a big hand land on my shoulder. Fear turned to joy when I looked up to see Zahir! YUP, I went into my excited chihuahua mode.

We danced til after midnight. Its 2 in the morning and we just got home.

A real good day.

Changes Breaking in the Wind...

 Yes, there are more changes here. No more rainbow farting unicorns on this side of the pond. I have to just deal with what is... 

 The exterior sutures come out next week. The inner stitches will dissolve over the next year. The doctor said the lack of hesitation marks will make for a cleaner scar. 

 There are a good number of people I must apologize to. First is Mama who wouldn't look upon me for three days. Second is Baba for bringing my problems to his door. Zahir's boss for having to use his influence to fix the investigation into my "cooking mishap."  My peer counselor John and my battle buddy Chris for not listening to their sound advice. Mostly to Zahir, I hurt him so bad.

 I locked all of you out. I put a plastic smile on my face this year and hid the results of the impacts as they fell. I thought I could handle it alone. I WAS WRONG!!! I learned that almost too late that I am not alone. It wasn't till Shrinky Dink had me list all the crap that happened this year that I saw how far into the outhouse I was.

 The therapist had a private consult with Zahir. I am seeing him once a week alone and once a week with Zahir. Apparently my world does not need to be smaller, it needs to be bigger. 

 Zahir had a teleconference from someone back in the States. I think I know who it was and if his supervising psychologist finds out he will be in a great deal of trouble. That said, he's right making my world smaller may have contributed to this problem. 

 I have a strange new friendship. The brother's wife who didn't like me, is doing nice things for me. She got me some long fingerless gloves to cover my wrist brace (yeah, I cut that deep). Turns out she had a sister who made a similar error.

 The strangest part is my baby. Kaeleb has been extremely clingy. I went into the kitchen to cut some fruit for breakfast and he hobbled into the kitchen with me. When I reached for the knife in the knife block he put his paw on my foot and whimpered for my attention. I gently stroked the sutures in my heroes shoulder telling him I was alright. This earned me a puppy kiss. When I stood Zahir was there smiling. He shooed me from the kitchen and gathered breakfast for the two of us.

 I am in the office with Zahir getting ready for Chris to collect me for the PTSD group meeting. Zahir and my deal is:

1. I can blog on study breaks DURING THE DAY
2. Writing is on hold until my studies permit
3. Bed is for sleeping (and private stuff)
4. It is ok to be sad, no more fake smiles
5. Talking is mandatory. Daddy must hear everything
6. Therapy attendance and participation is mandatory  
7. Weekly play dates with friends are mandatory

 Zahir and I will NOT be going on the hunt this year. Z was holding things back from me as well. This promotion of his was actually him being made a partner in the firm. NOW the jet makes sense to me. We will be traveling almost as much as the boss.


-Christopher

Visiting the Bottom, The Climb Begins Again...

 Everything is on hold here. Zahir is allowing me to post this.

 My world is getting smaller for a while. I made a bad choice. I was lucky, the dog was able to break a window to get help. He was injured in the process but will heal. Mama and security found me in time.

 I am not being left alone. I am having weekly sessions with the psychiatrist again. Zahir will be taking me to work with him, NOT as his intern, as my minder. I am to sit at my little desk in his office and work on my school projects. He hasn't said it, but I know he is angry with me. Worse than that I disappointed him and those who love me.

 Chris (my PTSD support partner) is pissed that I didn't call him. I don't know how to describe a depression spiral. I didn't plan what I did, I just acted. One minute I was cutting vegetables, I don't even remember the act of hurting myself.

 Writing and Blogging are on hold. I am sorry to my fans but I screwed up big. For now I have to focus on healing, the stitches will be out in a week or so. The wounds in my head will take longer.

 This will be my last post for a while, I am so sorry for disappointing everyone.


 Nadir (AKA Chase)

Week Three

 I just got back to the compound. Chris was right I did have the story of the week at group. Safee and a few others were split and thought the news would solve all my problems the others recognized it would not. 

 I described a few of the dreams I've been having since notification. In one of them I was at the funeral and Cal reached up from the grave. Okay I'll fess that one freaked me. Of course we all know I'm not going to that funeral.

 Cal did not deserve to die. Keep in mind for the longest time I wished Mike had killed him that day. I'm starting to think maybe I am a monster.
 

 The longest time I was filled with such rage over what Cal had done to me. It's not there anymore, sadness is still there. 

 Chris, Jon and few of the guys took me to Books@Cafe for dinner afterwards. Yes, I did have a beer with my beef bacon cheeseburger. Beef bacon that is still so wrong. To my surprise it was Z who told Chris I deserved a treat. "He said this is where your buddy Dah-Veed (David) took you when you were blue."
 

 Someone asked if Chris was the Jarhead who had the crush on me. Yes it is, but he understands there's no chance. My heart firmly belongs to another. He invited Zahir and I to his retirement party in October. I am going to miss my battle buddy and friend.

I Don't Know How To Process This...

 I was flying high yesterday...

I met with the proctor and took my finals in a few of my short courses. I think I aced them. I had to take the short courses to make up for the break I took last year. One does not meddle with a timeline. I have a little less of a workload from here on. Zahir had a couple small fun day trips set up to celebrate this weekend.

 This is the first day of the weekend for us here. Friday is normally the first of two days off. We had just finished dinner (that would be lunch to my Yankee friends). I was full as a tick. Zahir got a call from Baba telling us to come home. No more than that, "Come home now."

All of the above?

 Yesterday and this morning were so great and then this... I received news today and I don't know how to process it. Everyone here is fine. I had a guest.  

 One of Zahir's friends on the National Police volunteered for the detail when he saw the names involved. He agreed to meet us at three. He informed me the man who violated (RAPED) me at fourteen, has taken his own life.

 I guess the thought of spending most of the rest of his life in prison was too much. It felt like someone punched me in the gut. I wanted him punished... not this. This is not what I expected when I asked for victim notification. I thought a heads up if he escaped, or was up for parole... not this.

 Baba tried to remind me how upset I was when he sought new sentencing. While he was my monster, he was also a human being. Part of me wants to send a letter of condolence to his parents, I'm not sure how that would be received. They were pretty hateful at the trial and blamed me for "tempting their son from the path."


 I am ok, oddly hurting, but ok. My battle buddy Chris (just Chris) came over for supper, movie and support. We just hung out. He said that I am going to have THE big update on Monday for group.

 Gonna take some time to think. I took time to call MeeMa before bed. She promises cookies, is that a universal grandma thing? Do cookies cure everything?




  Love Y'all
Chase/Christopher/Nadir

Flying too high can lead to an unfortunate impact...

Surprise... Dreams Happen!

 I was surprised to get called into the office yesterday. 

 Zahir came home at dinner and said the boss wanted to speak to me. As you may recall my internship is on hold pending my degree completion. When we came in we were ushered up to the owner's office. An Azeris gentleman from Iran was introduced. 


 As long-time readers know I went to Iran a couple years ago (shortly after I arrived in Jordan). Z's company went to help after an earthquake damaged a Western province of Iran. 

 I was inspired by the devastation. For a class project I came forward with an idea for making earthquake and other disaster (fire, wind and such) survivable buildings. 

 The gentleman I was introduced to has purchased one of those designs, it's going to be built. Turned out on Z's last trip he showed one of the engineers he was working some of my designs for safer sustainable homes. That man introduced it to his brother, our firms new client. 

 Because I am not a certified engineer yet, I won't get the credit but I am happy to have a dream become "set in stone." I know I will never be able to see the finished work with my own eyes but I pray for the day things allow me to do so.

Sending Z off with a smile and HUGE breakfast. Going to the spa tomorrow. He said I earned a "pamper the boy" weekend.