Well This Is New! I'm Unteachable...

  Well I had a crappy day today. Seems to be a string of them these days. I have just had my second language tutor quit. He offered to give back Baba's money saying I was unteachable.

 

  Oh sure I can learn to understand the words, but I physically cannot speak them. The son of a bitch who hurt me left me unable to make certain sounds. Without those the Arabic speaking world is closed to me. Four years later he is still fucking me. I know that last part wasn't what a Christian should say, but I'm am still a human being too and I'm very frustrated. 

  After the tutor left, Baba pulled me into his office. He explained it to me and hugged on me for a very long time saying it wasn't my fault, it just is what it is. He tells me we will look at the options tomorrow. I guess that's today.

  Baba's eldest grandson has been hovering around me all day. He is a hard one to understand. He is only a year older than me, but treats me like one of the babies. When the new (replacement) furniture arrived he helped me arrange the sitting room.

 

  All I know is with the crappy run of weeks I've had, as soon as Zahir gets off that plane Monday, I'm going to drag him by his balls to our bedroom. He's going to make this up to me. It is in his "contract!" The fine print says he is required to make his baby feel better.

Good night all.

 Chase

Well THIS Sucks... & Not In The Good Way!

How many people have GOOD sessions with their shrink?

  Well I did, except for the fact I was sporting wood going in... thanks Emri. 

  I had fun telling him about my merman/boy/twink sex dreams. I love making that man blush. He said with the stress of my separation from Zahir those were understandable fantasies.

  I told him about my mini-pity party over my fight with my paternal "family." I also told him how losing my voice triggered a bit of remorse over the loss of my ability to sing. He told me that feeling was understandable and normal.

  Zahir wanted me to tell him how I felt when I got the news of my rapist being raped in prison. Doc's reply was predictable, "Do YOU think he deserved it?"

Is this something they teach in therapy 101? I told him no one deserve to have the right to say NO taken away. I asked if that made me weird that I am not happy it happened. "No, it makes you well adjusted." 

 He went on to say the rule an eye for an eye is primitive law likely predating Hammurabi. Philosophers have been debating the point where justice ends and vengeance begins forever and my confusion was understandable.

Good News... Bad News...

 My best friend here is Zahir's ex David (Dah-veed). More often than not he is the guy I call when I don't understand something Zahir does. He was the one who explained why Z wouldn't let me play with his bottom. He told me Muslim men who have "boys" don't think of themselves as gay, they just love differently.

 When I got out of my session, we went shopping. I got a text from Zahir telling me to have fun at dinner and "it" was ok. I asked David what Z meant. He just replied, "You'll see." This was the first time in almost two years I didn't see him in his pink and black Palestinian made keffiyeh.

 We went into a tiny shop and he bought me my first red and white Jordanian shemagh. Then he taught me how to wear it around my neck. With my red hair, it looks good, even though it makes me look like a tourist. He told me in Bedouin culture when a boy begins wearing a shemagh he is treated as a man. Then we went to dinner. I should have known something was up.

If you ask a taxi to take you here they will likely warn you it is a gay bar...

 We normally order the Bacon (beef bacon) Cheeseburgers. I got the usual but David ordered a regular hamburger. It was the first time he ordered according to his faith. Jewish people are like Muslims on bacon, but under Jewish dietary law cheese on a hamburger is also a no-no. 

 During dinner I discovered why Baba and Z let David take me around this morning. While we were in Kiev there was a terror attack West of Amman. David's parents went nuts trying to find him. Long story short they reconciled, and he is going home to Haifa. 

 David thanked me for MY friendship. How weird is that. Then he told me I was the strongest man he knew. When we got back to the house he hugged me then reached back into the car for a wrapped box. He told me to think of it as an early birthday gift and to open it later.

 It took Baba holding me almost fifteen minutes to get my tears to stop. Baba told me to open David's gift... 

 Inside was David's keffiyeh. I told Baba the he had to know I couldn't wear it. He told me it was David's way of telling me he no longer NEEDED it. His time of rebellion with his family was over. 

 I am overjoyed that my friend is getting his family back. Growing up without real family I know how much that means. That said he was my first friend here who wasn't related to Zahir by blood. Part of me is dying inside. 

 God I am a monster.

 -Nadir

Holidays, Morning Surprise...

  Holidays with Zahir's family are really cool. I never know what to expect. The one thing that is clear is, I am always treated as part of the family. I am not sure what part but the love is there.

  As a Christian I LOVE Eid Al-Adha (Festival of Sacrifice). To me it is proof of how much we share...

•   "Surely Abraham was an example, obedient to Allah, by nature upright, and he was not of the polytheists. He was grateful for Our bounties. We chose him and guided him unto a right path. We gave him good in this world, and in the next, he will most surely be among the righteous." (Qur'an 16:120-121)

  I was looking forward to sharing in this holy time... Regrettably I caught Baba's cold and my RLN flared. 

 ** Truth time - The RLN event wasn't triggered by Baba's cold. I shouted yesterday, "normal people" would call it raising your voice. I had a video conference with paternal grand parents. It seams they only wanted contact established so I would sign away my part of his estate. I got angry and told them to send the f-ing papers. I don't care if his people own the moon, I am done with them. (You all know Zahir checks my blog. I didn't want him to worry about me)**

I woke this morning mute as a stone! I realized it when I was feeding the babies this morning. I commanded the dogs to sit and almost nothing but air came out. The three malinois did the universal 90° confused head tilt at the same time. Fortunately my little furry pack was trained to understand gestural commands.

  The only one who fully understands my fingers is in Iran. I guess getting suspended from work was a blessing. I am pretty good with charades. In a pinch, I can always talk through my tablet and phone. I do not insist the world must adapt to me. It is frustrating at times but I like a challenge.

  The family knows I am having a flare as soon as I rest the knuckles of my closed fist in front of my lips. I don't have to complete the sign. Mama knew as soon as I entered the kitchen. Me wearing a turtle neck willingly when the temp is going to go into the high 80s is unusual. She hugged me and made me a mint tea. No stimulants allowed for the duration. She is the one family member who DOESN'T give me the broken boy pity look (BBPL) when this happens.

  I wrote this invention into one of my stories... I cannot wait until it (or something like it) hits the market. This invention will help so many. My voice is weak on it's best days, If I had these I probably wouldn't bother speaking at all. Baba's brother called me "whisper boy" last year until Baba told him that I was not being shy or rude, I just couldn't talk louder. Then I got the traditional BBPL.

  My favorite reaction when someone discovers I am mute is when they speak up and over enunciate their words assuming I am also deaf. You have to laugh where you can, or you will spend your life in tears.

  I know there are people who would be more than happy with a voice that was even intermittent, maybe I should be too. Still I would love to talk to a room without tapping the table to get a bit of hush. That would be worth not being able to sing again.

  Chase

Quick post... Had A Weird Day...

 It was almost two in the morning here and I could not sleep. I guess the news from home hit a nerve today. The phone rang and it was Zahir. He asked why his baby was still awake. Either one of the security guys saw me pacing in the window or there is a camera in this room. I think it is the latter because he asked me why I was wearing his old thobe.

 We talked for a while about nothing in particular. I shared a music video and we talked about goofy missing you stuff. Then he got me to finally open up.

 From church study to my online feed, everything today has been about either forgiveness, or memory. The list of what "I would prefer not to remember" is too long to go into...  I look at even the crappy bits of my life as necessary in making me who I am. Regret is a part of the human experience too. 

 Today for example was a crappy day. I found out the foster dad who "raped" me at fourteen has just been used as a pinata and "raped" in prison. Officer Mike shared the news in an email message to me just in case I saw it in the news from home. He said it was "karma." Even if I believed in it, I don't think karma works that way.

 My former foster dad has 20-30 years to look forward to until he is eligible for parole. It has been four years and I still have nightmares. I occasionally cringe when Zahir touches me wrong, rare but it does happen and we both feel guilty. Is it wrong that I should feel sorry for the man who hurt me and almost let him destroy my life? Maybe I am just that dumb.

 I normally don't share what I do in church with Zahir. I am afraid of offending him. I hinted around about the substance of the lesson on forgiveness versus justice. He told me it was a difficult topic and asked what I learned. Apparently I still have a lot to learn about Islam.

 The hardest thing to do is to forgive someone. In the end it is essential, NOT for them but for yourself. To carry hatred for another will destroy you in the end. Forgiveness however does NOT excuse them from the EARTHLY justice their actions have earned. 

 I talked to the preacher afterwards as he drove me back to the compound. He told me it sounded as if I had forgiven everyone but myself. I asked what I needed to forgive myself for. He replied for surviving what no one should have to. He pointed to my suicide attempt(s). He told me my soul was screaming out for my attention and I ignored it until it was almost to late. 

 I am not sure Zahir understands (heck, I am not sure I do), but he listened patiently. Then he said he was proud of his boy's "gentle nature." Then he told me, "Go to sleep my princess!"

 Night y'all!

Chase


 P.S.  It is now almost five in the morning. I am not sure how to take Zahir's "gentle nature" thing. Gonna take care of the puppies then try to go to sleep for a few hours.

 Shared this with Zahir, he teased me about being his Juliet. I am cool with that...

Coitus Interruptus In My Sleep & Second Try At Flying Home...

 0200

 I was having the best dream ever. I was a mer-man (a mer-twink I guess) with a beautiful shimmering tail. Zahir was fishing and caught me. He and I were making love on the beach. I was grinding back against him when I had a sudden feeling we were not alone...

 I woke with a start as I saw Betey looking down at me. I sheepishly covered up under the sheets blushing. He told me he heard noises and thought I was in distress. He went on to apologize for disturbing such a pleasant dream.

 He added that he was sorry for calling Zahir instead of my Baba when I snuck out to the build site. He hoped it does not cause problems. Looks like I talk in my sleep. Damn this was embarrassing.

 He told me how his nephew has a gentle boy like me. "Your Baba told me some of your story. You were born for a good purpose. You bring honor to your new family by protecting their honor." He started to say "It was unexpected for a..." I finished his sentence with the word, "Zamel?" He asked who called me that. I swept my hand in his direction and said he called my friend David one, I was no different.
 
 He told me there was a difference between David and I. "Your friend is selfish, looking only for the next thing that will make himself happy. You are a good boy who serves others. Your heart belongs to only one." He ran his fingers through my sweaty hair and encouraged me to take a shower and put on new pajamas. The ones I was wearing were drenched with sweat.
 
 As he left my room he looked me square in the face, "The pop-star I would not trade everything to protect... You I would. Sleep well, my little prince." I had never had someone pledge their life to protect me. I feel so unworthy.

 0630

 The boss is having an early breakfast with the local team down in the restaurant. Betey and I are eating in the suite. I guess I have caused enough trouble for them on this trip.
 
 The English fry-up did a number on my digestive system last week. I am having lenivie vareniki (lenivie “lazy” and vareniki are Ukrainian pierogi). Ukrainian lenivie vareniki are made of farmer cheese, tossed in melted butter, and served for breakfast with sour cream and granulated sugar. The kitchen included some of their famed sour cherry dumplings.

 1200
 

Well I'm finally flying home. I am the boss's first guest in his private jet. It's smaller than I imagined a private jet would be with the word global in it's name. It is a Bombardier Global 6500. I damn near fell over when he told me this was a temporary, while his 8000 is being built.
   I have been awake since the rude dream interruption at two this morning. Boss made the plane dark and led me towards the tail of the jet. He told me it will be almost four hours until we land. He pointed at the queen sized bed and told me to nap. Then he stepped back into the lounge and closed the door.  We should be home mid afternoon.


Chase

Well Poop!!!

 I put this on a cyber-friends page when he commented about sexy Ukrainian men...

"This is my second trip here. Don't want to disillusion you totally but they are just like guys everywhere. Some are ripped, some are skinny, some are fit, some are not. But I am loving the accent, and the ink. There are a couple on the build team I could eat with a spoon. Their bodies scream gym rat. (my catnip)"

  I discovered there is one group in Ukrainian society where this is NOT the case... The National Police of Ukraine! OMG they are so pretty! 

 You have to understand I was raised in south Florida, where the average shape policeman came in was ROUND. Even my beloved protector Officer Mike was carrying more than a few extra pounds when he retired.

Photo does NOT do them "justice."

 NOT the case in Ukraine. The police women look like they could have just walked out of a Maxim photo shoot!!!  The guys... I admit, I was drooling, for the record, so was David. My apologies EM!
 
 Why do I bring this up? The "plan" was for me to leave Ukraine ten hours ago... Funny thing happened on the way to the limo! Nope didn't even make it to the boss's jet or airport. On the way out to the limo a skinny guy bumped into me. First off when I call someone "skinny" they ARE thin! This guy made ME look like the hulk. Betey saw what I did not feel, the guy lifted my wallet.
 

 Betey was about to drop him when he suddenly wrapped his arms around me. I saw the guy getting slammed to the ground HARD by a female officer. His shirt went up exposing some kind of weird rash. Then he hit her, the last thing I remember was Betey getting shoved and a moving wall of blue rushing towards her. That forced Betey into me, an my head into the door frame of the car. 

 I am fine!!! I have a low grade concussion and the doctor has forbidden my travel till Wednesday (my original departure date). I think Zahir will forbid me traveling EVER again. Our boss is racked out on the hospital chair at the bedside. I tried talking him into going back to the hotel. In absence of family, he apparently thinks of me as HIS responsibility and won't leave my side. Betey has been sucking coffee trying not to sleep by leaning in the corner.

 I have been texting with Z non-stop. Poor baby is stuck in Tehran due to a security agreement. He said Betey will not sleep until I am back in an environment he can control. I got a smiley when I sent him the photo of our boss sleeping in the chair. Z finally went to bed when I told him "I am fine, you know what life has thrown me. This is just a love tap." 

What was scary today was all the blood they drew, and the shot in the ass I got. It felt like thick syrup. The policeman who came to check on me told me the weird rash I saw on the thief was from a crocodile. I told him I grew up in gator country and that didn't look like any animal attack I had ever seen.

 He corrected me krokodil is not an animal but a drug. It is an epidemic imported from Russia. He told me how it makes chronic users skin rot and fall off. Even in my worst and lowest times I was never tempted by drugs. Trading one nightmare for another didn't make sense to me.

 Side note: I had a foster brother go to a skittles party. That is when stupid kids raid their family's medicine chest taking what they can find. When they get to the party location they pool their haul into a bowl. 

 It is a stupid game, you are playing a chemical Russian Roulette. You could just get granny's water pills if you are lucky. Jamie wasn't lucky, he got two fentanyl tablets and died. That rehoming hurt the worst. His parents blamed me for not going and stopping him. (end side note)

  His partner came in and returned my wallet. She had applied concealer to hide the shiner that was developing. I asked if she was alright. She told me she had been hit worse dancing. I learned drug users are the fastest HIV and blood-borne pathogen carriers in Ukraine. Thus all the panels and the shot. It is amazing what kind of care you get when your boss throws down his black card.
 

 I had a constant string of guests until the hospital said no more. It is just after four in the morning on Tuesday, the nurse told me the doctor signed my release pending stable vitals during first rounds at six. If this hospital is like those back home, I should be out by supper.



 Chase

Correct But Also Wrong...

  Although I did feel better Thursday night after seeing the gym,  I still didn't sleep much that night. I'd like to say the behavior improved on Friday but it didn't. No one likes accepting blame that is not, or that they believe is not theirs. The nice thing about having a voice that can't be heard in a loud room, you shut up and listen. I had two thoughts looping in my head:

•   The first was a conversation with my boss the day he approved my internship. We went for dinner/lunch and then took a walk to see the Jordan Gate Towers. He shocked me when he said he NEVER wanted to build something like them. Then he shared how three stories collapsed killing or injuring many workers. I look at the towers differently now. They remind me of a tower in Florida that many doubt will ever be completed. I am speaking of the Majesty Building (aka the Eyesore on I-4). It too blinds people with too much glass. It is only a year younger than me and it STILL isn't finished.

•   The second was a line from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's character Sherlock Holmes, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." We know the design is good, the math is proven. We know Ukrainian steel work is SOLID, and a source of local pride. We know the footings are solid as well. We are missing a piece of the puzzle. It is a piece that none of us will find glaring across a table at one another.

  During dinner I raised my concerns with Saleh (Zahir's friend). His boy David was busy flirting with an almost panicked Betey. Together Saleh and I came up with three likely answers none of which could be proven in the office. To prove our theory we had to go to the build site. The best time would be Saturday or Sunday morning.

  As soon as I heard Betey hit the shower I threw on my skinny jeans and a grey sweatshirt. Then I slipped across the hall to Saleh and David's suite. We took the stairs down to the parking garage and headed off. I know this would piss off three people; Betey, Baba, and Zahir. There was a forth person who would be angry, if we found nothing... Our boss.

  Just in case Betey got creative we chose to turn our cellphones off. For a half second I thought about leaving it behind, but I knew we were too far out on this ledge already. On arrival, we managed to slip on a couple blue workers helmets in an attempt to blend in.

Example of catastrophic deflection

  We worked our way through the framing and deflection affected areas. Both of us knew something wasn't right. Neither could put our finger on it. Finally we arrived in what will be the grand lobby where the deflection was most pronounced. In engineering, deflection is the degree to which a structural element is displaced (sag or bow) under a load, heat, or age. All beams are deflected under load over time. If too much, the webbing of the beam collapses. Followed by the rest of the beam and structure.

  Our stealthy entrance lasted probably about five or six minutes. From behind me I heard the booming voice of the foreman, "Tiny Bird you come to visit!" He tapped my blue helmet and said, "You wear wrong color. Why not wearing the white? You are engineer team." On large build sites the companies will use color coded hard hats to know what trades are working and where on the site.

  I could see Saleh formulating a fib... I decided honesty was the best policy, telling him we were just trying to blend in. He asked if we were looking for the reason for the deflection in the lobby area. I shook my head yes. He told me it concerns him as well and he'd been concerned since the latest change sheets. Saleh asked, "What change sheets?"

  He disappeared into the office trailer and came back with two rolls of blueprints, and a white helmet with the companies logo. He removed the blue helmet and plopped the white on my head then he pointed at Saleh... "He blends in... You do not blend in ever. You brain boy, are too young and small."

  Saleh and I quickly identified what was missing, two walls. They were load-bearing. I asked the project manager if he knew what would happen it they continue to build without installing several buttresses to shed the load. I ran some numbers and even with the reinforcements the roof top Olympic sized infinity pool would be out of the question. Water is a killer for dead weight load.

  We saw what the secondary "architects" were trying to do. They were trying to carve out enough space behind the front desk to house two banquet rooms in addition to the restaurant. What they wanted was doable, just not the way they did it, or where they wanted to do it. This should have been on the original bid sheet.

  After we took some measurements, and had a productive discussion with a few of the crew,  we had a working concept not quite a plan but a start. Saleh was smiling, until he turned and looked over my shoulder. Betey was behind me and grabbed hold of said shoulder.

  I was so concerned with him finding me with my cell phone, I forgot about the stupid little tracker in my wallet. "I thought you were abducted until the zamel Jew broke down! He said he did not know where you were, but told me what you were doing. I called your brother Zahir rather than your father." It hurt when he called David a zamel, it implied I was as well. While it is true I am the bottom, it is such a coarse word. The worst part was knowing that he called Zahir.

  Betey continued, "Zahir told me how to use the trackers." I knew about the cute pink Bluetooth locator in my wallet. I did not know it automatically logs on to open WiFi routers. I also did NOT know the battery in my cell phone contained a second built in self powered tracker, or that my nice retro analogue watch was a tracker too!


  As soon as I turned my phone on our companies messenger app started to chime. It was Zahir, I put my ear pods in so that it could be private. He spoke "AT" me for the better part of five minutes. Letting me know how much I disappointed him. When I could finally get a word in edgewise the first words out of my mouth was I'm sorry.

  It normally disarms him for a few moments. I told him what Saleh and I were trying to do, and that we were working on a plan to save the contract. I also sent him some of the images of the deflection in steel. He told me what I did was good, how I did it was not.  We honestly didn't have another option.

  His opinion changed SLIGHTLY when I told him it was a bad copy of his signature on the bottom of the change sheets. If the building collapsed I did not want him held accountable for something he did not approve.

  Saleh asked the site manager to not mention the fact that we were on site until after we could come up with a couple fix action plans. He smiled broadly and told us he would sit on it forever, especially learning the chief structural engineer was not consulted for the changes.

  On the way back to the hotel Saleh arranged for the rest of the engineers to start heading towards his suite. While he was doing that I was apologizing profusely to Betey for ditching him.  I told him he stood out too much. He said he understood but my safety was the primary concern. I knew he was right.

  We spent the rest of the day Saturday and all day Sunday working on a way to make the clients desires a reality, and how to replace the damaged beams. Our boss in Amman flew in on Monday for that meeting. Saleh and I were commended by him for our ingenuity in protecting the firm's integrity and image.

  The choice is to except our changes or find another structural engineering firm. There is not a structural engineering firm on the planet that will approve the building in its current configuration. Especially when it gets revealed publicly that our client forged signatures on blueprints to achieve certification.

  I received an interesting reply from Zahir when he got the company's email. "Well done, but never do this again!" Apparently it's his place to fight for my honor, not the other way around.

  The boss arrived around two in the morning. We had an early team breakfast meeting to bring him up to speed on the two fix options. There was a private meeting of the client, our firm, and the construction company. After our boss exposed the forgery on the change sheets, he showed how they would have led to the probable collapse of the building before completion. The construction company was not happy with how their safety was compromised and threatened to walk off the job. The president of the client's firm said he was unaware of what his design team did and offered compensation. Our boss said he would send a bill.

  The client wisely went with the second design. It kept the pool on the roof and included the banquet rooms and a short service corridor to the kitchen. The damaged structural elements would first be replaced. A member of OUR firm would remain in Kiev to observe the rest of construction. The construction company foreman asked for me. Saleh put his hand on my shoulder as the boss shot down the request with, "He is just a student and needed on other tasks..." Saleh's junior was chosen with the construction companies approval. I felt sorry for him he hates the cold even more than me, and Ukrainian winters are hard.

  When the rest left the room the boss began praising Saleh. It went on for some time. When he turned to me the tone shifted. "I agree with Zahir, we have talked at length. What you did was absolutely good, how you did it was absolutely wrong." He then chronicled my errors in judgement. First was slipping my protectors custody, forgetting the fact Saleh was the man he originally wanted watching over me.

  He told me my job was to sit in office, do math, run errands, and learn. "You are NOT boy spy! Zahir and Saleh are trained warriors, you are JUST a boy." He went on for some time, but ended with, "You are suspended for three weeks. When Zahir returns he will decide if your internship is terminated." My head was hanging like it had been cut off. He cradled my cheeks and pulled my head up, "You and Saleh saved my family's company from a building collapse and I am grateful. You can be hurt far too easily. Please the telling is good, our people are trained to listen to you. Leave the doing to others."

  On the way out the foreman invited me to a celebratory supper. I told him I was leaving this evening with the boss and had been suspended. He rested his strong hand on my shoulder telling me when I graduate I would have a place in his company. "Always need good engineer." Then he gave me a new white company hard hat. I thanked him for the offer but told him my heart was anchored in Amman.

  We leave in an hour, Ever try to fit a hard hat into a small piece of luggage?

Challenges and Hope Manifest...

  Apparently I have a nickname among the Ukrainian build team members. I heard a few of them use the phrase when talking about me. I asked the corporate host what it was. 

  He chuckled and said, "They call you Krykhitna Ptytsya... the Tiny Bird." I was a little offended at first. The host said it was not because of my size, but due to my curious nature. "You don't sit still. You float around looking at everything. The builders like that trait."

  We had a bad first day today. During the morning session, it felt like I was in a room full of two year olds. Everyone was pointing fingers instead of trying to see WHY the problem developed. It was so loud and heated, I couldn't get a word in. The shouting match ended at dinner and it was decided we should call it a day.

  The corporate host saw how down I was and offered to drive Betey and I back to the hotel. Mr Host offered to show me anything I wanted to see. I jokingly asked him, "Show me hope. I really need to see what hope looks like after that meeting!"

 I had no idea what I was about to be shown... NOTHING prepared me for the Kachalka outdoor gym. It was built mostly of scrap metal way back in the Cold War on Dnieper Island. I almost laughed when I saw the "equipment." I quickly realized it is not to laugh at. These people are there sculpting their bodies year round even in the rain and snow. That is commitment. Betey even admired the dedication.

 Anyone who looks at me would know I am NOT a gym rat. In the past, I was often teased about having the body of a child. I think I make the best of what I have. Most of my training is cardio either on a treadmill or recumbent bike. I will never be a big and bumpy guy like Zahir.

 The host told me, "THIS is Ukrainian hope. This gym has seen the worst of humanity, and yet it stands to build a strong resilient Ukraine. Fools in power come and go, the strong and the wise people remain. Long after walls and borders crumble the people remain."

 Today I saw hope. Old men, young men, women, and boys sculpting a nation of strength. Hope made manifest in the form of reclaimed Ukrainian steel welded into benches and training equipment. Old tank chains being used as weights. Tires turned into punching bags. Others would say it was a pile of trash. I saw trash turned into a hope that builds a nation.

 I am ready to face tomorrow! Time for this "tiny bird" to look at everything. The design is good, the concrete in the footings check out, and Ukrainians know steel. Something else is wrong and I intend to know what that something is.

Chase

Housekeeping... Answering Questions II

Okay: You folks ask some tough ones.

  1) "What did Zahir mean about a whisper from you being a shout?"

  Damn, I thought I deleted that one fast. 

  The son of a bitch who raped me left me with a permanent medical condition. It is called Recurrent Laryngeal Nerve paralysis (RLN). Surely you didn't think he got life for just raping me? At present there is no additional treatment. I am grateful to just be alive.

• In my case my normal speech is now low volume and very breathy. I am shy by nature, and this doesn't help. If I have a point to make at work I knock on the table and hold up a finger to interject. Yes, the staff knows I was attacked and left injured they don't have all the details.

• If I talk for long periods my voice becomes hoarse and my throat gets sore.

• If I do not rest often, my voice fails and I am mute. It can last minutes or days. (Maybe that explains Desire's Silent Scream better)

• Yes, when this happens I can fall back on ASL American Sign Language... Yes, Zahir learned to read my fingers. I have broken into sign with him when I want him alone to hear me.

  2) "Damn you are so selfish! The man is paying for your education, you should be grateful!"

  Three of you made similar comments, but one of you was this blunt with your assumptions. I almost didn't respond...

• The State of Florida is paying for my tuition NOT Zahir. I am an on-line student of the University of South Florida - USF Tampa (Go Bulls)

• I earned a scholarship that covers my books and proctor fees as needed.

• Zahir does take care of my food and lodging and I am grateful, but that does not mean I should give up everything to him.

   3) A few of you asked if I am in contact with my father's family...

  Yes, leave it at that for now.

 

  4) Why was there a death certificate. 

  When my mother was murdered the police assumed I was washed down the Mississippi. They searched but found no body, naturally. After five years the family needed to move on. They planted my grave marker next to Mom's and had me declared.
 
  Ironically it is easier to legally die than it is to legally come back from the dead. The paperwork is killer. Still how many people can look forward to legally dying TWICE in one lifetime... Is that too dark? If you haven't noticed my sense of humor is a little warped, blame it on my life experiences. It is also only five in the morning as I write this. Haven't had my coffee yet.


  Chase