Quick post... Had A Weird Day...

 It was almost two in the morning here and I could not sleep. I guess the news from home hit a nerve today. The phone rang and it was Zahir. He asked why his baby was still awake. Either one of the security guys saw me pacing in the window or there is a camera in this room. I think it is the latter because he asked me why I was wearing his old thobe.

 We talked for a while about nothing in particular. I shared a music video and we talked about goofy missing you stuff. Then he got me to finally open up.

 From church study to my online feed, everything today has been about either forgiveness, or memory. The list of what "I would prefer not to remember" is too long to go into...  I look at even the crappy bits of my life as necessary in making me who I am. Regret is a part of the human experience too. 

 Today for example was a crappy day. I found out the foster dad who "raped" me at fourteen has just been used as a pinata and "raped" in prison. Officer Mike shared the news in an email message to me just in case I saw it in the news from home. He said it was "karma." Even if I believed in it, I don't think karma works that way.

 My former foster dad has 20-30 years to look forward to until he is eligible for parole. It has been four years and I still have nightmares. I occasionally cringe when Zahir touches me wrong, rare but it does happen and we both feel guilty. Is it wrong that I should feel sorry for the man who hurt me and almost let him destroy my life? Maybe I am just that dumb.

 I normally don't share what I do in church with Zahir. I am afraid of offending him. I hinted around about the substance of the lesson on forgiveness versus justice. He told me it was a difficult topic and asked what I learned. Apparently I still have a lot to learn about Islam.

 The hardest thing to do is to forgive someone. In the end it is essential, NOT for them but for yourself. To carry hatred for another will destroy you in the end. Forgiveness however does NOT excuse them from the EARTHLY justice their actions have earned. 

 I talked to the preacher afterwards as he drove me back to the compound. He told me it sounded as if I had forgiven everyone but myself. I asked what I needed to forgive myself for. He replied for surviving what no one should have to. He pointed to my suicide attempt(s). He told me my soul was screaming out for my attention and I ignored it until it was almost to late. 

 I am not sure Zahir understands (heck, I am not sure I do), but he listened patiently. Then he said he was proud of his boy's "gentle nature." Then he told me, "Go to sleep my princess!"

 Night y'all!

Chase


 P.S.  It is now almost five in the morning. I am not sure how to take Zahir's "gentle nature" thing. Gonna take care of the puppies then try to go to sleep for a few hours.

 Shared this with Zahir, he teased me about being his Juliet. I am cool with that...