04:00 - Awake...

 Asleep at 9PM(ish) awake at 03:30. A long night of sleep (for me). I had church yesterday, Chris stayed for dinner afterwards. I was right about the developing bromance he and Zahir have. More than that, I think Zahir knows I need a local friend. I haven't had one since David returned to Israel. 

 Chris has been trying to learn sign for months... damn he sucks at it. It is funny at times. I am happy he is trying. The family is trusting him to drive me to church and group. It makes more sense than the Pastor picking me up. I am not too much out of Chris's way.

 Group yeah, that is why I am up so early. Second session today. I am not as afraid as last week. That said I have a knot in my tummy. 

 Zahir will wake for morning prayer soon and see my eyes open. He knows when I am faking sleep. He tries to hide it but I see the worry in his eyes. This is a battle he can't fight for me and it stresses him. That said he is the one person I know will never abandon me. For this I am grateful each day.

Chase

Parting Shot From Europe

 Just a short post while we're waiting to board the aircraft for home.

 Well, I have to say this morning was a bit of a surprise. We passed a big building and Zahir said, "That's your bank."
     

My bank apparently...

 I was a little surprised and laughed. I have a bank account back in Miami, I KNOW they do not have overseas branches. Apparently he set up an account for me here, "Just in case." 
      

 Conversations discussing exit plans normally end with him saying, "It is my responsibility to worry for this." I was a little frightened when he told me this was part of the "exit plan."
    

 Maybe it's my own low self-esteem, but I thought it was his way of telling me I was too much work or he was bored with me. When I began babbling for forgiveness about being such a burden. 

He replied, "No it is not for this..." good answer. "...but I must plan for my baby's care. I am older than you."

 I never have been good with discussions of mortality issues. I explained to Zahir I understood far too well that life is short. I'm going to turn twenty in October. I know when my mother was my age, she had been running from my father for three years. Before she turned twenty-three, she would be dead. 

 Heavy conversation for post breakfast.

 I understand death is a predator that stalks us all. That doesn't mean I want to curl up with it. The fact Zahir was thinking THAT far out made me happy. When I explained that he gave me rare public snuggles. 

 Then he attempted some retail therapy to lighten the mood again. I think buying new things is his answer to everything. He gets so much attention in stores. People openly flirt with him... He flirts back better.

I got Mama and Zahir's sister nice scarves and some great custom chocolate.

They are calling for us to board...

Chase

Cute link:
I am not saying Z is a touch over protective but clearly this artist was there for OUR first date.

Weekend Trip...

I posted Chapter four of Night of the Wolf to Nifty. Not sure when the link will go live. I am expecting flame mail over the cliffhanger.

 Warning yes there are sexy bits!

 Dropped off Zahir's new toy for refit. His boss does a lot of business with this company and they fit Z's "little" project in between a couple major ones. He did a sexy pre-flight captains briefing. "This is your captain speaking... This is a no smoking flight, which is good because boy is NEVER to be smoking."
 
  It is so pretty here! I didn't get to see a lot of the city but it is wicked old.

 The company that is doing the refit is amazing, an engineer's wet dream. It was odd seeing some of the work being done old school. I expected wall to wall CNC machines.

  The factory guide pointed at the big Airbus that is being refurbished for a big client can't say who, just that he is a royal. Zahir said, "One day I will buy one of those to shuttle my princess."

 Spent the day picking out interiors and new bulkhead placements. Z was insistent on a shower in the bath. When the designer saw me signing to Zahir he showed us a touch pad message system that can send messages to the cockpit, galley, lav, and seating areas. This company is so lit.

 The seats are coming out and new reclining bed like seats are going in. The sofa in the rear "lounge" can fold down into a full size bed.

 We fly back commercial tomorrow. Z says the next time he goes to Iran he will now be able to fly home on the weekends.

First day of PTSD Group...

Sent by reader Doug J

The pastor is picking me up in a bit for the elders PTSD support group... I am scared... 

I am not gonna lie this scares me. I know a couple of the guys in the group. They are great, but they have seen and done REAL shit, then went back for more.

I had a really bad weekend compared to some of them. I am afraid they are gonna laugh at me. 

---

One of two GOOD rainbow ponies

Last night the eldest brother's second wife gave me a gift. An app her company is developing for the iPhone that translates sign to speech, that was sweet. 

Zahir went a step further and loaded a special voice personality on my phone.

Z routinely smashes gifts for me (like nine times out of ten). He was heartbroken to find this was the rare "ONE." His heart was so in the right place but... He had a voice made for my phone using audio from recordings of childhood plays and performances. 
 
MY voice, my old dead voice came out of my phone. Lets just say there were tears involved, NOT the good kind, followed by a run back to the little house.  

Kaeleb snuggled with me in my corner chair and growled at Zahir when he came in. That man puts up with a lot from me.

On the subject of my voice, looks like we made the right choice. The specialist who wanted to try a new procedure on me, just had his license suspended due to gross errors. I have a feeling that is a medical/legal euphemism for deaths. So my intermittent, little, shy, broken voice will remain. I am good.

I'll try to post an update tonight... I am scared.

 ***Update 1700ish***

(ALL NAMES CHANGED)

 I was surprised to be picked up by Baba. He saw my puffy red eyes (Yes, tears were involved in the session). I learned a lot, both about myself and my new "brothers."

 The Marine who has been "flirting" with me was there. I was still sitting back not engaging. Chris told the group how I triggered him. Ten years ago he lost a friend in Fallujah. 

 When Chris passed around his phone, I could see why. AC could have been an older beefier cousin. He went into detail about how many friends he had lost. He said the Corps kept pushing the slogan, "Suck it up, buttercup."

 It turns out a lot of soldiers choose to find their own therapy to protect their career. I was right about being the only rape victim (hate the word victim). It was Chris who got me to finally open up by asking; not about what happened, but what finally brought me to group.

 I described the nightmares, tremors and how I shredded Zahir's chest and arms in my sleep. I told them it felt like I was 14 again and fighting for my life when I woke. I added the dissociative incidents triggered by sights or smells (smells are the worst trigger). 

 It spiraled from there. I ended up speaking for more than a half an hour. When I saw how much time had passed, I told them it was silly for me to be there. That all of them experienced far more being combat veterans. 

 It was Safee, (on the National Police) who said what happened to me was combat. He pointed out that at 14, I was impaired by drugs and fighting with a man twice my age and twice my size. He said I was doing good just to survive. "Sounds like brutal form of combat to me." There were murmurs of agreement from the others.
 
 Jon (British) made a connection I hadn't. He asked if the groggy feeling from the original sedative wearing off was similar to emerging from the drug my rapist slipped me. I hadn't thought about it, it is.

 Ian (Australian) pointed to a poster, "Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long." Then he added, "You have been fighting this battle mostly alone for six years, you aren't alone mate."

 When Baba collected me Chris and Jon were trying to arrange taxis. Baba offered to drop them. We had just dropped Jon at the British Council on Rainbow Street when my tummy rumbled really LOUD. Baba laughed and stopped for comfort food.

 I laughed at the irony of the situation. An older Bedouin man, took two gay men, for hot dogs on "Rainbow Street..."

 I got the normal warm welcome. "Quiet boy! The usual?!?" 

 I shook my head emphatically. Chris looked at the preparation of my custom dog and said, "THAT looks like a Chicago dog!" I told him it was the closest he would get till November. Chris's one year tour is ending and he is going home.

 Chris showed me an app for his smart watch that helps with his PTSD. I told him I don't have one. he went on to explain the benefit. Baba was listening intently (I see what is in MY future). He said the guys in group pair off for crisis support. He asked to be my "battle buddy." Baba nodded ok and we exchanged numbers.

I am good... I see a long road ahead, but isn't that the definition of life in general?

Ok Emri, You Win!

Good morning, I have cannon balled into the WattPad pool. I am gonna try it. I dusted off one of my older stories and am re-writing it. Teddy and the Bear. 

It is STILL only a short story... 4-5 chapters. But I think I may rewrite the ending. Though Teddy was left in a better place, he still has growing to do.

That said, "I AM A MATH GEEK!!! Not a writer."

***Update*** Okay it was a sucky story in the first place, but damn not one single vote or comment.

Maybe a different cover...

Chapter Three Posted / Zahir on the Middle Class

 Well I had my first 24 hours on my new meds. I am not quite as agitated. My nose is a little stuffier than normal and I'm not sleeping as deeply either. A couple of good scares but I woke up and I didn't claw up my honey either.  I was also able to get back to sleep.

*** UPDATE IT IS UP!***

I posted Chapter three of Night of the Wolf to Nifty.

 Warning yes there are sexy bits! 


 My buddy has asked if I'm interested in posting a couple of my old stories to Wattpad. I'm not sure, they are kind of sleazy. Not sure how much would be left after I edited the the sexy bits out.

Zahir smiled at the line, "...there is nothing in your past that you should feel any shame about. You survived long enough to be with me. You lived long enough to be mine... ...I belong by your side forever."

He knows where I got that one.😉

 The boss cancelled the reservation on the Bombardier "ONE TOO MANY DELAYS!" He has replaced it with "a more reliable manufacturer." True to his word the boss put the Gulfstream G550 up for sale.

 Somehow the boss found out that Zahir was thinking about relocating to Atlanta. He offered him a sweet deal to stay with the company in Amman. It included a very good price on the company's "old stinky flying minibus," and a promotion. I find it really odd how happy he is about purchasing the "old stinky flying minibus," his words not mine. 

 So my honey ticked another box off of his bucket list. He is now the proud owner of his own jet. His eyes lit up... Does the phrase "Kid at Christmas" have an Bedouin counterpart? I see research in my future.

 Last night he started pulling out maps showing if we landed this or that airport how far we could fly. Apparently if we land in London for refueling, most of the northern hemisphere is in our range. He says it must go to Europe for interior refitting. He wants a shower and a real bed. "Even in the sky my princess must sleep."

 Zahir once told me his family was middle class. When he first told me about the jet, I asked him what he thinks the middle class is. His answer was, "I know people who have more than me, I know people who have less than me, I am in the middle." Shake my head.





 Good morning my friends,

 Chase

Bad Dreams

 Brunch today was awkward. Baba and mama are worried. She and Zahir went into the other lounge so Baba could talk to me alone. Mama saw Z's chest yesterday at the pool. I really did a number on it before he woke me and grabbed my hands.
 
 Baba ripped my heart out when he asked "Is living here so terrible?" 

  I lost it when Baba uttered those five words. They all thought I was unhappy here. I don't know how to explain.

 It's been almost five years. It's like my foster dad left something evil inside of me. Something lurking, stalking me each time I close my eyes. 

 I know it's irrational, but I KNOW it's also there. This isn't just a kid with bad dreams, my monster is real and HAS touched me. Just because he is in a maximum security prison doesn't mean he is not also still in my head.

 I hate it. 

 When I dream it feels like I'm still trying to fight him off, still fighting for my life. 
 

  I hate those damn white pills that won't let me wake up. I'd rather lose sleep then lose control and hurt Zahir. He's innocent, and has been nothing but good to me. He's always been the one who protected me. It's not fair to him.

 God I hate this! Why did a loving God let this happen?
 

 The three of them are off talking. I hope they don't decide I am too much work and send me home. I couldn't handle that, but I would understand. Too much baggage at nineteen.

 Kaeleb my puppy is clinging and cuddling. It's like he knows how much I am hurting. The rest of his "pack" brothers are staying close to our house.

Coursework Overload...

 

 I am sorry it has been so long. It has been hard. I am doing something a little dumb I guess. I am trying to finish college (with a double major) by my 20th birthday in October. I am also helping Baba with his class. He is testing out lesson plans on me.

 We are starting to prepare for the annual hunt in August in Wadi Rum. In addition to working with Mama, grandma, and foster mom Stacey on my wedding to Zahir. If THAT wasn't enough Zahir's sister has asked me to help with HER wedding to my former day nurse. I am TRYING to make time to write and blog but I must also have time with my honey.

  On THAT subject, I clawed him up pretty good the night before last. These nightmares are gonna be the death of me. The Shrinky Dink says they will fade... IN TIME. I just have to put in the work. I am back to seeing the shrink every two weeks. In addition to a support group meeting. I am sleeping three to five hours a night without the little white pill. Zahir made me promise to go to sleep by ten pm. If I am not I take the pill. I hate them, I wake groggy and it sucks when I can't escape my dreams.

 As I said I am trying to write. I am sorry things have slowed down.

Chase