What's Eating You Chase Nadir...

You're Too Thin...

  With all the stress of the past few months lets just say, I have neglected my health. When I get stressed I tend to forget to eat. The doctor noted I dropped ten kilograms (about twenty-two pounds) over the last year. Funny thing about weight changes you don't notice them as they occur.

  Zahir has taken things a little too far. He is gotten the women in our life to declare war upon my hips. Between him, our housekeeper, his mother and sisters, and the girls at the office, I am experiencing a never-ending parade of food, snacks, and sweets appearing before me. As I understand women, one does not say no to food that they made, then put in front of you. This rule of nature is doubly so if they are Muslim women.

  I can tell it is a coordinated effort because I have received not a jar, not a small care package, but an entire freaking case of my favorite peanut butter from Mohsen and Stacy. I couldn't help but notice the gift card was in Stacy's handwriting. 

  There are some funny things about this peanut butter. It is real good for you, it has no refined sugar, or high fructose corn syrup, it is sweetened with molasses. It is only sold in one tiny closet of a store about twenty miles outside of Ocala, FL. It is NOT sold online. That means one of them drove half way up the state to get me peanut butter and then express ship it to me. THAT screams Moe. It could be a coincidence... He could have gone up for a cattle buy. Arab men and their boys...

  I surrender. It looks like I'll be up to ten or fifteen snacks or meals per day, okay slight exaggeration.

Bed Is For Sleeping...

  Some have noticed my writing has fallen off, there's a reason for that, I'm tired.  Between the personal changes/revelations in and about my life, I have become distracted. Zahir has also come to the belief that my lack of sleep is part of my weight/health issue. He has banned my tablet and phone from bed. "If you wake up, close your eyes and try to sleep."

Salukis

  He has told me it would be unsafe for him to take me on the hunt this September in this condition. Late September and early October the men from his family go out in Wadi Rum for a hunt. He said I am showing more ribs than his brother's Salukis these days. 

  Then he ripped the beating heart from my chest asking just two questions. If he needed to send me home? Then he added Was living with him so miserable? God he knows how to make me cry. All was wiped away when he said, "So much has hurt my baby, I will NEVER add to it." I told him HE was my HOME, and my hope. The ONLY thing I really miss about America is being able to show my love for Zahir publicly, holding, dancing, and kissing.

  There is an invisible line here in Amman. It divides the east and west side of the city. The east is poorer, less educated but more accepting when it comes to differences in sexual practice. The west (where we are) is wealthy, western educated and far less tolerant of that difference. JMHO

Eating...

  Differences, that brings up another point, food and eating in public. Of all the things I have going against me here in the kingdom; being Christian, gay, and American, I forgot to let you in on the worst of the lot. I'm a left-handed person. There is a ritual meal that is very, very popular here, and very, very delicious called mansaf. Traditionally it is eaten with the bare hands, more specifically the bare right hand. The left hand is placed behind your back while you stand around and eat this meal.

  You start by picking up a small amount of sticky rice and meat and rolling it into a ball by flipping it between your fingers and the palm of your hand. Then you pop the whole thing in your mouth. This is easy to do if you are using your primary appendage. It is very messy if you are not. The first time I experienced the meal it was with Z's family. His mom took pity on me and gave me a spoon and a plate. Turns out she too is a lefty.

  I love her to death, we share so much in common. Before she married Z's father she was a respected engineer (math geek).  She was a childhood friend of Z's dad's first wife. I found out when his first wife became ill, she herself who chose the second wife for Zahir's father. I have been using her proper married title since I met her. This week she asked me to call her mama.

Changes...

  Tuesday my Grandma told me that my father's parents want to get to know me as well.  She went on to say that I am under no obligation to make contact with them. There's a saying in the south about this topic "I'm a hot mess." How am I going to find any connection with the family of the man who murdered my mother.

  Zahir has told me he will support any decision I make. God in heaven I wish someone would make the decision for me.  We've been hugging on each other a hell of a lot. He knows how much I am hurting and it is hurting him.

When It Rains...

  Had a status check with my faculty advisor today. He has cautioned me about the quality of my recent work. I'm not doing bad, I'm not at risk of failing. He is concerned, as a student, I am burning out. I have been doing school non-stop since I started online education in middle school. He's encouraging me to take a sabbatical semester and come back fresh.  He's asking me to consider making my second major (engineering) my primary.

  Z thinks the concept of a semester off is a good idea. I asked what I would do with my day. Right now it consists of; spending the morning in the office with him, having dinner, coming home to do my coursework all afternoon and into the evening. He told me, "You would do what other eighteen-year old boys would do. Play video games, do chores, and be a good boy."  He also hinted I could learn how to cook. I hope we have fire insurance.

  Aside from being with Zahir, I don't know what I want. I brought up the topic of foster kids. He shot it down. "My baby must learn to care for himself first." He went on to add someday, just not today.

Chase