I Cheered For A Bad Guy (Golly) (repost)

 "Why did your post come down?" Zahir likes to review my post for my safety. This time he thought I put Mohsen and Stacey in jeopardy. He asked (demanded) they and Officer Mike review what I said. Officer Mike said I was the hero not him, I disagree. He lost far to much helping me.

 We found out that I did not hurt Moe & Stacey. The last of five adoptions were completed this last week. Those boys and girls are the luckiest kids in Florida to end up in their care. The two of them are leaving Florida but not without "their" babies.

***

 Just finished reading a series on Nifty that touched my heart. I was looking  to see if Emri sneaked a story on line that week (he did). 

 I found A Throw Away Kid by Erastes, I saw the story title and was interested. The author (Erastes) clearly has some experience with the world of foster care. The way he mentioned the trash bag drag speaks to that (been there done that). 

 I don't like the pederasty genre (surprise huge turn off). This author however touched my heart because I saw a lot of my DCF life in his lead character.

 As I read the story I found myself cheering for the pedophile (his lover was 13, yes pedophile). I cheered because he was the lesser of all evils in the case of these boys. I have said before victims of childhood sex trauma initially fall into two camps generally. 

1. Non-sexual - Sex is evil and I will have no part of it. (that was me)
2. Hyper-sexual - Sex is just a thing needed like air (Kyle from the story) the line between sex and love becomes blurred to the point of non-existence.

 With a tremendous amount of love, understanding, (and yes therapy) "normal" can become more than just a drier setting again in regards to sex.

 The story touched chords with me during the hospital scene too. When my (DCF certified) rapist foster dad tried to choke me out because I was making too much noise while I tried to alert the guy at the door I needed help, the system almost killed me again. 

 DCF has agreements with specific (often overworked and underfunded) hospitals. It was Officer Mike who handed the (DCF certified) foster dad rapist his ass. Then he brought me back to life the first time that day. He explained to the paramedics that if I went to the (DCF certified) hospital I would end up in the (DCF certified) morgue. He begged them to take me to the closest level one trauma center (it was NOT DCF certified). 

 As a result of his good deed, my hero lost his job as a contract investigator for the state. The worst part was when the state took his law enforcement officer certification for his continued "interference" with DCF casework (my life). 

 The author hit another homer when "Kyle" gets labeled as a sexual predator by the agency. This is not as a result of a criminal charge or conviction but as a result of him having consensual sex with a foster brother. THIS HAPPENS, I have seen it. Once the agency THINKS you might be a predator; they re-home you accordingly without trial, review, appeal, and often without evidence.

 CPS, DSS, DCFS, DCW, DCS, DCF doesn't matter what you call them, they all SUCK at protecting kids. If you belong to these organizations I am not blaming you per se, I do however blame the rule books that govern the organizations.

 I bitch about the screwy age of consent laws in my home state (Floriduh). Age of consent is 18. But then they add a murky Romeo and Juliet sliding scale that is total tomfuckery. IF you are 16 or 17 you are "KIND OF" legal too based on the exact age separation of your partner. 
 In our sister states Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi they went with a clear age of consent of 16. Why? Because MOST people can make that choice then. Those states added teeth to use on those who prey on the mentally challenged. 

 At seventeen I had already graduated HS, finished more than 1 year of college, and I was very much in love with Zahir. I wasn't sure if it was erotic love but we did know the 11 years that separated us was insurmountable. 

 Before he returned to Jordan Zahir and his boyfriend David split up but Z could not pursue me. Even if I became an emancipated minor (recognized by the courts as an adult) I would still be off limits due to the age of consent sliding scale. A scale that said I could make love to guys 14-23 but could not bed the 28 year old who truly loved me. The man who rebuilt the empty shell of a person DCF hollowed was off limits.

 For the second time in my life someone thru the rule book aside to protect me. For eleven months Mohsen and Zahir hid me from DCF's radar. Mohsen told them during site visits that I was traveling celebrating graduation, exceptional performance in college studies, and whatever lame excuse he could come up with to hide that I was in Amman. Being an on-line student had value. We had a VPN that showed I was logging on to UCF from Miami, and DCF the bureaucracy slept.

 Rule-books rigidly followed have injured and yes killed the innocent. What we need are case flexible guidebooks. Ironically many GOOD DCF caseworkers say the same thing. 

 Some day I MAY write my life story, including the names of the DCF case workers and supervisors who failed me as well as those who genuinely tried.

Back Without A Mask

 The "our boy is well" party went till two o'clock this morning. I got to have a long talk with Baba and Zahir. I am dropping my physics course. I am going to focus on my engineering degree. 

 The purpose of this course was to experience "real" class life. If I have to finish the semester via video link, what is the point. Besides, I think I have had enough "real" time for now.

  I asked for a separate plate of mansaf. It is going to be a long time before I will be ready to share a meal like that or dip from any communal bowl. I know I sound like I am a coward.

  Zahir was going to surprise me with a trip to our favorite spa. Mud baths and salt scrubs don't sound good on my Vancomycin sensitive skin. I will be lobster red for a few days. Z is spoiling me here at home this weekend. He's giving me moisturizer massages. His hands all over me for three days. I have no plans to leave OUR room for those three days. 

 Chase

Mama Sees, Hears, Knows... EVERYTHING

 Mama, Sister, Yawm (Day Nurse) and I are to have a dinner tea date. 

 Baba cringed playfully last night as Mama and I planned it. Mama was priming me on a thousand or so questions I should ask him. I almost blundered when Mama said I MUST ask when he plans on becoming a doctor. 

I said I didn't see a problem with a male nurse. The withering look I got was deflected when Baba emphatically gestured shouting "Boy is right!" She recommended he pay closer attention to his match, Zahir was rolling. He stopped laughing when Mama said a GOOD son would take off work to watch over the courtship of his baby sister!

 I have said before my place in this family is odd. This is one of those times I am like the baby brother. I occasionally joke, the on call male stand in.

 This morning Zahir kissed my forehead, "One more night my princess." Mama came over with breakfast for HER babies. I couldn't help notice it just happened to correspond with the day and night nurse patient turn over. That woman sees and hears ALL.

 No sooner had Z left for work and Mama went back to the big house, security escorted a floral delivery to our entry. The two men were straining with the size of the arrangement. I tipped them both 50 JOD The arrangement was THAT heavy.

 When Mama came back she complained her son sent yellow funeral flowers. I told her about the survey we took yesterday. That Zahir knew roses, callas, and daffodils were my favorite flowers and yellow was my all time favorite color. The room smells absolutely AMAZING!

 As Mama headed back to the big house to get ready, Yawm whispered to me that he had much to learn about my sister. I could see Mama grinning in the glass. She hears EVERYTHING. Well done Yawm on passing your first Mama test.

 Chase

 (Yes, I created a name for him. I think Yawm 'Day' is gonna be around for a while.)

Rough Day, So Embarrassed...

Me this Wednesday!

 Math boy screwed up, damn this is embarrassing. I thought home isolation (confinement) was through Friday. Turns out the day the hospital sent me home was day one. I was off by two days, Thursday morning I am free!!!

 Things look like they are  going good with Day Nurse and Z's sister. She has been spending a lot of time here during the day. She sings a lot. The Night Nurse came in early so the two of them can go to dinner with Ethnayn (second oldest brother) and his wife. 


 I had a steroid meltdown, I got ugly with Mama today. Baba masked up and came over. I was bawling my eyes out when he came in. Day Nurse was holding me and helping to calm me. The nurse  explained the outburst as frustration, discomfort and chemicals. Baba brought Mama back and I apologized profusely. Mama hugged on me.

 Baba says he and I are going out for hot dogs Thursday for dinner, and the family is having a celebration Thursday night. With apologies to heck with dinner, Baby knows what meat he is craving...

 All that said, Zahir says he has special plans for me this weekend. I told him so long as his weekend included non-stop bed play I was good with anything. I have been having such explicit sex dreams. I pushed my luck, and asked if we could go dancing at Books@Cafe. I got a laugh and then a no. What the heck, I knew that was a stretch but, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 Dinner coming gonna wrap up.

Luv y'all
Chase

One Week Down...

One week down of home isolation, one to go. I am not happy but I am still here... 

...does the phrase stir-crazy ring bells?

Baba gave me the bad news. I have been ask to stay home and finish the last few weeks of the semester via home study. For the "Preponderance of caution for the health of the other students." My lab partner is coordinating our project via video link. He is not as good as Dagher, but he is committed.

Steroids have my emotions all over the place, I am crying a lot. The vancomycin is making me itch. The changes to my diet are driving me nuts. I am hating my new meat portion sizes. They are down to sizes of a half deck of cards. "It will pass," I keep telling myself.

Nadir

Housekeeping... Answering Questions III

Well hell, here we go again. I got some of the usual shitty comments in the inbox...

No, Mohsen did not "pimp me out" to his boss. 

• Yes, in a very round about way he did make the introduction. He let Stacy use my love of numbers and math to draw me out of my shell and reengage the world by keeping the ranch's books.
• Moe did NOT like or trust Zahir around me... at first. Then again, MOE did not trust anyone around the children in his care. 
• If not for an IRS audit, Zahir NEVER would have met me. Does that mean the IRS "pimped me out" to a Jordanian businessman?
• Moe lost his parents to the genocide Saddam Hussein waged on the Marsh Arabs. Family is everything to Moe, all of us kids ARE his family. He was and is Daddy to me.

 No Zahir is NOT a pedophile.

• Yes, Z entered my life at fifteen. That does not mean we were having sex. He was still with his "boy," David a twenty two year old young man straight out of the Israeli Army.
• At age seventeen Zahir was my best friend and mentor. When he was promoted to the engineering department and brought back to Amman I became depressed to the point I wasn't eating. HIS family took me in to recover.
• He did in fact wait until I was of legal age in MY home state. Florida the age of consent is 18 and Florida is quite draconian in their prosecution. 
• The reason he waited three years... One, I wasn't ready. Two,  the age of consent in Florida is 18...  He did not want Moe and Stacy to get in trouble.
  

He is SO much older, don't you see he is manipulating you?...

• Oh WOW some of you are just dead inside.
• Yup, he is eleven years older than me. 
• He has NEVER treated me as a child with the exception of when I have been sick, and on the rare occasion I have behaved like one.
• It is called a May-December Romance. The first lady is twenty-four years younger that his cheetoness. Does that make him a... Never-mind bad example.

To those complaining that I should break my stories up into chapters...

•  My creative process is an exercise in bloviation. It is one continuous thought process until completion. Zahir teases me quite often about my attention span being short...  my countrymen would call it squirrel like.  
• The irony is once I AM on task, my attention is laser like in focus, to the detriment of all else.
• I have received an incredible amount of flame mail involving the length of my last story. I'm terribly sorry  some of you believe you did not get your money's worth. Oh wait I did it without charge.
•  I do owe my fans an apology. I should have  paid more attention on final edits. There are a couple of glaring errors. I was rushing to complete and screwed up. My world of numbers is a lot easier than writing.

New Story Is Up...

I published a new story on Nifty. It is entitled The Haunted Boy (originally Denny And The Ghost)

• Death touched my life again while I was sick. I used the imagery in the story to play with the spirit world.

• I was remembering the moment when my foster father was choking me. Just before the end I swear I could see my mother standing behind him willing me to fight. I have had doctors, shrinks, and preachers tell me it was the loss of oxygen. I just don't know.

• My religion tells me this is not possible, but when it comes to me at a faith level, I am not as sure on this point. It was so real.

This story could have used a few more trips through editing process. I am learning math is easy, writing is so difficult.

Some of the first readers have complained it was too long. I guess I could have made it into a series. That is not how my creative process works. I blitz write, vomiting out a long section, then work it down into something managable.

Night nurse just got vitals so I thought I'd knock this notification out before dropping off again.

Nite, 
Chase

Too Much Sick Time...

Zahir tucked me in a few hours ago and went to our room for the night... I feel so alone in the boy cave. This is gonna be a long two weeks.

Perhaps it is not how, but THAT you pray

 Zahir woke ME up for a change Friday... this never happens. Normally he prays in his office,  when I am sick he stays by my side. I started crying when I heard his prayer for me this morning. He listed my trials (damn I have put him through a lot). Then he asked for it be enough. He said something like The Prophet teaches us, "Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever has not kindness has not faith." He said his boy was kind. He didn't know I was awake until he finished. I  got a hug, a long one.

 He said he thought he was being quiet. I had to tell him my hearing has been crazy good since the fever broke. Later, the day nurse told us that was common and it would fade to normal in time.

 It was so chill today, aside from the nurse's constant interruptions (not his fault, it is his job). Z and I sat in the home theater most of the day. Okay, I cuddled with him and we watched films. He surprised me when he told me HE wanted to watch "The Happy Prince." I didn't know Oscar Wilde's life was so sad.

 What really surprised me was when Zahir told me he would have the courage to endure anything for me. He told me I scared him last week. When he heard the first boy died he was afraid he would lose me too.

 There are times the eleven years that separate us is HUGE. Today, not so much.

 I was still awake at one. It has been ten days since the infection, seven since I presented symptoms. One short week since my latest flirt with death. I should say something profound. I got nothing. I am just so grateful for my life.

 IF it was possible I would take my friend's approach and run off an marry Zahir today, we are not promised tomorrow. Sometimes we need a reminder of that. I know if we did that Baba and Mama would be pissed.

  Gonna wrap this up, nap time before nurse ice fingers comes for vitals.

Got Sprung - With Conditions

NOPE: My doc was old, fat and short

  The doctor is releasing me for two weeks of observed home care (Nurse in residence). Modified isolation room protocol with masks and antibiotic prophylaxis for those who stay in my proximity.

 Aya (Zahir's falcon) will stay in my room in the big house, just in case. Mama complained about me staying in the small house alone all day. I immediately asked what happened to our housekeeper and asked if I got her sick.
 
 Doc noticed how Zahir put his hand on my chest to calm me before he told me she was fine. Like Baba and the children she must be kept away from me for now. I asked Z who was going to take care of him. "DO NOT worry for this." I knew that was my cue to let it drop.

 Doc went on to say I was doing well on my new medication regiment. I could tell I was on a high dosage of oral vancomycin, it turns my skin real pink. I also know I will be wicked susceptible to sunburn for the next few weeks. Not kidding when I am on this stuff its like I become a vampire (minus the blood lust). Almost look at a picture of the sun and burn.

 Doc told me HE selected my nurse and I was not to give him any trouble. Baba pledged I would be a perfect patient. I dropped my eyes and nodded in agreement.

 None of this is making sense. I know the math of this bug (the joys of studying for a bioinformatics degree first). I expressed a few questions that surprised the doc. He said I am an anomaly, a patient with an atypical immune response. Joy who doesn't wanna be called that, it is another way to call me a freak. He thinks my normal low pulse and body temp may have something to do with why the bacteria downed in me so fast. He said I could be like some mammals who have a natural immunity to rabies. Oh joy cue up the possum boy jokes.

 

 Seriously, I thought of Kaed's description of me to his brother, "...the frail boy who is strong." Maybe he was on to something there. After his instructions were given he asked everyone to leave the room... With that I knew this was gonna be the post hospital sex talk.

 He asked if I was a virgin, and was not surprised when I shook no. He told me I should abstain to protect my partner just in case. He told me it would be safest to sleep alone during treatment to prevent accidental fluid contact/transfer. "Until we KNOW it is safe."

 Zahir saw the sad look on my face when the doctor left letting them back in. He asked what troubles? I told him I must sleep in "MY" room. He rested his head against mine, then kissed it through his mask.

 Release papers are signed but I am waiting to be taken for final CT scan, then I can go home. Doc is curious if there is something about me, that might help treating others in the future. If that is so it might justify the loss to me.

Only Me Could Catch the B!

Not me but the hair is right

 I would normally say, "Only the American BETA-boy could get this from hummus! Meningitis B..." but I was not alone.  

 B is for: Be careful of who you share snacks with. Zahir was irritated when the doc explained sharing behavior is a common way for the disease to spread. We figured it was the hummus my class partner shared with me and another student after Baba's quiz Wednesday. 

 We were laughing and listening about his family's trip to Eritrea.  One is now dead and the other is not doing as well as I am. It is looking like he may have permanent damage. I wasn't supposed to hear about the other boys.

 I can't believe how fast the symptoms came on. I was fine at dinner. I was a little loopy at bedtime. Three hours later BAM. I was lucky, by the time I came in the Docs were actively looking for the next case. When they found out where I went to school they set up for the spinal tap. I was asleep most of the day yesterday, with the exception of brief moments every few hours. 
 
 Zahir tried to sleep in a chair in the corner of my room last night, he won't go home. Baba and Mama were  taken home by Z's oldest brother after I woke at 11 pm. I feel so stupid. Baba reminded me this disease has even touched the royal family so I shouldn't feel dumb for being sick. Zahir says we are going to be reviewing my immunizations as soon as I am well.

 This morning I woke to the men in my life performing first prayer around my bed. When they finished I asked if I was dying. They laughed and Baba said no but his son's prayed for my swift recovery. After breakfast my class partner's father visited. He was apologizing to my family. He just lost his son and yet he was worried for the third boy and me. His son was great, he taught me things about the campus. Stuff that doesn't show on the campus map or guidebook. Baba and Zahir even liked him.

 After he left, Baba praised Zahir for what I dismissed at the time as an overreaction, the rush to the hospital. I was honestly thinking it was the flu. At least until the convulsions started and I was on the waiting room floor at the hospital. 

 I don't know what is in my IV bags but my mouth tastes like I swallowed a pharmacy. Still it was better than the ice packs all around my body in emergency yesterday. occasionally unconsciousness is a blessing.

 To my friends in there late teens and early twenties. We are a prime age group for this. Some of the symptoms, are: 

•  Nausea or vomiting (ding)
•  Severe headache (DING - Felt like a gnome was coming out of my skull using a hammer)    
•  Very stiff neck (ding)    
•  Confusion or difficulty concentrating (ding - but I dismissed it with all that is happening)    
•  Sleepiness (in my case tired but the pain from my head kept me awake)    
•  Decreased appetite (who would notice)     
•  Sudden Fever (DING! 38.5°C/101°F and dripping sweat when I woke Z for 1st prayer - then spiked to 39.5°C/103°F at the hospital)    
•  Seizures (not until the hospital)    
•  Sensitivity to light (ding)    
•  Lethargy (no)    
•  Skin rash (no and ick) (update YUP DING and ewww found during sponge bath on inner leg mid thigh to ankle)

Get immunized! I never thought I could get something like this either!

 I will probably get sprung in a couple of days, or four at the most. Then I can finish recovering at home. 

 They gave us (and explained) the list of foods to avoid during recovery... In general,  I can eat as many/much as I want of fresh fruits and vegetables. Moderate amounts of high-quality protein (servings about the size of a half deck of cards) and generous portions of healthy fats (NUTS - insert obligatory boyfriend joke here).

 I whimpered A LOT when I read what to reduce or avoid. 

Reduce: 

• Dairy (quarter servings)
• SALT

Avoid (DO NOT CONSUME):

• Alcoholic drinks (meh)
• White flour food items (no big)
• Deli meats (no big)
• Processed foods (no big... wait hot dogs NO!!)
• Sugary foods (have I told y'all how GOOD the desserts are here)
• Smoked fish (damn)
• Sushi (NO!!!)
• Caffeinated beverages (FUCK). 
• The list also contained tobacco products (INCLUDING second hand smoke) Z's oldest brother whimpered. I see a vape cig in his future.

Damn Mama grabbed that list quick. Baba says I can still be in class over the net, when I am able, until the Docs clear my return to class (so much for my first real in the chair college course). Not complaining, just disappointed. I was starting to enjoy the group dynamic.