Cultural idioms cause issues... " Zahir you have the cart before the horse..."
Zahir thought that my nightmares were triggered by the story I wrote. He had a private session with my Shrinky Dink. The therapist had to explain he had the chain of events backwards. It was the nightmares that triggered the story, not the story that triggered the nightmares.
Have you ever been so frightened, that you're afraid to go to sleep? The garbage from my past lays waiting for me when I close my eyes. The hearing for asshole's re-sentencing attempt churned up a lot of crap. Okay I'm going to make up a new idiom, "It was like running an Evinrude in a septic tank."
Shrinky Dink prescribed a sedative for days like that. I don't like sedatives, I don't like drugs. When I'm on a sedative, I'm trapped in the dream. Waking up is my control mechanism. When I was in the lock-down ward after my 1st suicide attempt, I became a master of squirreling away my meds. Storing them in the back of my throat, only to regurgitate and flush them. I know that sounds kind of disgusting, "it is."
Zahir caught me doing that after he "talked" me into taking a sedative once. I told him I will sleep when I can. I tried to explain the out-of-control feeling that the sedatives give me. I think I was able to finally break the cultural barrier.
I have a monster living right behind my eyes. He is there every time I blink every time I sleep. Shrinky Dink says eventually I will have enough good memories to offset the bad ones. That does not mean the bad ones will go away.
My monster was not just charged with my rape, he was charged with the repeated rape of my older foster brother. Part of the reason I was willing to forgive my older foster brother was when I learned how much he endured. I would have killed myself. That is not an idiom, that is stating a fact.
Zahir tells me I am his incredibly strong boy. Yet just the other day I overheard him talking to a friend on the phone where he described me as his "damaged angel boy." Sometimes learning Arabic is a bit of a curse. I want to be a partner, not a project.
Shrinky Dink recommended both of us attend couples counseling. My love does know me, that does not mean that he knows all about me. He knows there are some ugly things that I don't like to talk to him about. I see the pain when I broached those topics. I never want him to feel like he has to carry my burden. I'm not sure that makes sense, that's what I feel.
I am more comfortable with Zahir than I have been with anyone. One of the first local cultural idioms that I learned was khallas. Normally it's used by young children to older people it means: to finish, stop talking, don't try that again, stop it, it's over. Think about when someone is tickling you and you are laughing so hard that it's hard to breathe... that's the use. The dark use of the idiom is when you're just wanting to tell someone to stop nagging.
When Zahir went to work today I did finally drop off. I had five and a half maybe six hours of blissful sleep. I could tell that Mama came in during my nap, because of the way I was tucked in on the sofa. I woke to the most beautiful smell in the world Zahir cooking lunch. We have an indoor grill and the smells fill the first parlor, where my "comfy space" is.
I knew he was worried because he was not speaking to me in Arabic. He's been trying to help me learn Arabic by immersion. "Baby feels better after his nap?" We had roasted lamb and veggies. He kept pushing me to eat one bite more. I think people in this part of the world believe food cures all. It helps.
Afterwards, we had snuggle time before he returned to the office. I don't deserve him. Taking a break from the review of my classwork from yesterday. Sleep deprivation actually DOES impact cognitive ability. GOOD MORNING!
Arab speakers will understand that last cultural idiom. For the rest of y'all, Good morning (Sabah al Kheir) in several Arab cultures can mean: "you finally woken up to the news," "you're just now catching on," (or my fav) duh! Use it when your best friend is the last one to get a joke.
I am okay, battling demons is just draining.
Chase
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